Perfectionism and Anxiety and Recovering from that Mindset
Hi, I’m Tabitha and I’m a recovering perfectionist. I say recovering because it’s an ongoing process, sometimes a rather frustrating one if I’m being honest.
Perfectionism is sneaky. It disguises itself as high standards, as diligence, as caring deeply about doing things well. Before you freak out and say, “Hi, we need to have some standards here” let’s flesh out what I mean. High standards and care aren’t the issue; it’s what underlies those standards. There’s a relentless inner voice that keeps a running tally of every misstep, every shortcoming, every way you didn’t quite measure up today. That voice has a favorite word:
Should.
I should be further along. I should have handled that better. I should be more patient, more productive, more consistent, more spiritual, more everything. And underneath all of that shoulding is the unspoken belief that if you just judged yourself hard enough or tried harder, you’d finally become the person you’re supposed to be. And sometimes that shoulding is encouraged by environments we exist in—maybe our home or even our church community.
Here’s what I know after years of working with clients and walking this road myself: that belief is not true. And the connection between perfectionism and anxiety is far closer than most people realize.
What “Shoulding” Actually Does to You
In therapy, as you’ve seen above, I use this phrase: shoulding on yourself. And before you laugh — or wince — let me tell you why I use it deliberately. Because it captures something true about what harsh self-judgment actually does. It doesn’t clean things up, it actually just makes a mess.
When we should on ourselves, we are essentially telling ourselves that reality is wrong. That the way things are is unacceptable or not enough or wrong. And here’s the problem with that: saying something should or should not have happened doesn’t change the fact that it did. It also doesn’t mean whatever standard we’re applying is accurate. All it really does is add a layer of shame and self-condemnation on top of whatever already happened or whatever we’re trying to accomplish.
Perfectionism and anxiety are deeply linked because the perfectionist mindset is fundamentally future-focused and fear-driven. It’s not just I want to do well. It’s If I don’t do this perfectly, something bad will happen — I’ll be exposed, I’ll disappoint people, I’ll lose something important. It also indicates a standard, and we don’t always stop to explore where we got that standard from and whether it’s reasonable or not. That underlying fear keeps the anxiety engine running constantly, even when there’s nothing actually wrong.
And when we inevitably fall short of the impossible standard the negative self-judgment kicks in. And this, of course, fuels more anxiety. Which fuels more perfectionism. It’s a cycle that feeds itself, and it is exhausting. It’s for sure not a good time.
Has Harsh Self-Judgment Ever Actually Worked?
I want to ask you something directly: Has judging yourself harshly ever produced lasting change in your life?
I’m not asking whether it has ever motivated you temporarily. Sometimes shame and self-criticism do produce short bursts of behavior change. But lasting change, the kind that actually sticks and becomes part of who you are? I have never, in all my years of practice, seen harsh self-judgment produce that.
Think about it this way: if shoulding on yourself worked, I literally would not have a job. We would all just judge ourselves into excellence and go about our days. But that’s not what happens. What actually happens is that we judge ourselves, feel shame, either shut down or overcompensate, fall short again, judge ourselves again and the cycle continues.
The harsh inner voice isn’t making you better. It’s keeping you stuck. And the perfectionism and anxiety it fuels are not a sign of high standards, they’re a sign of rigidity and potentially past wounds that need some healing.
Pride Goes Both Ways
Here’s something that tends to surprise people: thinking too lowly of yourself is just as much a form of pride as thinking too highly of yourself. Both are a form of self-focus that pulls us out of the present moment and out of genuine connection, with others, with our work, and with God.
When we are deep in the perfectionism and self-judgment cycle, we are living on autopilot (if you’ve been reading along with these past blogs, you know that autopilot doesn’t help us get where we want to go). We reacti to an internal critic rather than responding to what’s actually in front of us. We are so consumed with measuring, evaluating, and finding ourselves lacking that we can’t be fully present in our own lives. We miss what’s actually happening because we’re too busy running the internal audit.
Romans 8:1 says it plainly: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Not a little condemnation. Not condemnation except for the really big failures. No condemnation. The inner voice that keeps up the running tally of your shortcomings is not the voice of the Holy Spirit. It is not godly conviction. It is condemnation and it is not from God.
The Difference Between Conviction and Condemnation
I want to make an important distinction here, because I know this is an area where well-meaning Christians can get real confused at times. There is a difference between godly conviction and the shame spiral of perfectionism and self-judgment.
Conviction is specific. It points to a particular thought, action, or pattern and invites you toward something better. It is ultimately hopeful. It says, “This can change. You can grow. Come this way.” And then it moves on.
Condemnation is global. It doesn’t point to a behavior, it indicts your whole self. It says, “You are the problem. You are not enough. You will never be enough.” It doesn’t invite you toward growth. It pins you to the floor.
Perfectionism lives in the condemnation space. And it is worth learning to recognize the difference, not so you can ignore genuine growth opportunities, but so you can stop letting a voice that isn’t God’s (or even your own voice at times) run your internal life.
The Grace-filled Alternative to Perfectionism and Anxiety
So if harsh self-judgment doesn’t work, what does? This is the part I love, because the alternative is not lowering your standards or giving yourself a pass on everything. It is something much more powerful and far more nuanced than that.
There is an essential truth that I come back to again and again, both in my own life and in my work with clients. It holds two things together at the same time: I am doing the best I can in this moment, and I can do better. Both are true. Neither cancels out the other.
This is what theologians call sanctification—the ongoing process of being changed into the likeness of Christ. We are redeemed and we are being changed. We are accepted as we are and we are not yet who we will be. There is no room for condemnation in that process. This is the essence of the now and the not yet.
Practically, this means replacing the should with something more honest and more useful. Instead of “I should be further along,” try: “I wish I were further along, and I’m going to take one step today.” Instead of “I should have handled that better,” try: “I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to. What can I learn from it? Do I need to make a repair with someone?” The facts stay the same. The shame is removed. And the path forward opens up.
Mindful Connection: The Antidote to the Perfectionism Spiral
One of the most powerful tools for breaking the perfectionism and anxiety cycle is the practice of mindful connection. As a reminder, that’s being fully present in the moment rather than lost in the internal audit of everything you’re doing wrong. We keep our feet in this present moment instead of the shoulding of it all.
When we are present we’re able to observe what’s actually happening without layering judgment on top of it. We can notice: I made a mistake. Full stop. Not: I made a mistake, which means I’m a failure, which means I can’t be trusted, which means… Just the facts. Just the moment. Just what is.
This is not lowering the bar. This is seeing clearly. And seeing clearly, without the distortion of perfectionism and self-judgment, is actually what makes genuine growth possible. You can’t address what you can’t see accurately. And you can’t see accurately when shame is clouding the lens.
Progress, Not Perfection
I say it constantly: mindful connection, not mindful perfection. Progress, not perfection. And I say it constantly because people — especially perfectionists (including me) — need to hear it constantly. Because the inner critic is loud, and the grace-filled alternative feels unfamiliar at first.
But here’s a big take away I want you to understand: choosing progress over perfection is not giving up. It is not settling. It is not a spiritual or personal cop-out. It is the only framework in which real, lasting change actually happens. Because change requires trying, and trying requires the willingness to be imperfect in the process.
There is only one perfect person. His name is Jesus. And He didn’t come to give us a higher standard to fail at; He came to set us free. That freedom includes freedom from the tyranny of the should. Freedom from the perfectionism and anxiety cycle that keeps so many of us exhausted and stuck. Freedom to show up, imperfectly and fully, and to grow.
You are not a project to be managed. You are a person to be loved.
I invite you to stop shoulding on yourself. It isn’t working anyway. This week I invite you to take one of the more gracious positions I outlined in this blog and try it out for yourself. Notice whether it’s easier or harder depending on the topic or situation. Notice what you feel in your body as you get curious. And if you need a little support with it, reach out to us for a free, 15-minute consultation. One of our fantastic therapist or coaches would be happy to help you build these skills and those new neural pathways that go with them!
Ready to break the perfectionism and anxiety cycle and find a more grace-filled way forward? Visit tabithawestbrook.com/online-courses to learn more about the Taking Every Thought Captive course series. Use code RESET24 for 80% off.
