Marriage is undeniably hard at times. All marriages experience struggle and there are times when couples need to come to counseling to help get their relationship back on the right track. Marriage counseling can be a great help to keeping a relationship going for the long haul. There is one time, however, when couples counseling is not appropriate and marriage separation is appropriate – when the relationship is destructive.
What is a Destructive Relationship?
When people think about a destructive relationship they often think of the physical or sexual abuse. Physical and sexual violence are only two types of abusive behaviors that can occur. We prefer the term coercive control – a pattern of behavior that steals the autonomy of the victim and breaks down his/her entire personhood. As our friend Greg Wilson calls it, “abuse is a dangerous reversal of love.”
Coercive control takes many forms, but the root of all of them is power and control. The Power and Control Wheel shown below illustrates many other types of abusive and coercively controlling behaviors that can occur. Not all aspects listed have to be present for it to be considered a coercively controlling relationship. If even one coercively controlling pattern is present – whether physical or sexual violence is present or not – the relationship may be destructive.
Why Separation May be Wise
Here at The Journey and The Process we are pro-marriage therapists. We believe in marriage and we believe marriage can be great. We help couples have great marriages all the time. That said, when coercive control and abusive behaviors are present both parties need to get treatment individually if there is to be any hope for the marriage. The person doing the coercive controlling needs to figure out why they feel the need to control their partner and learn ways to have healthy, connected relationship without abusive tactics. The person being coercively controlled needs to heal from the damage the abusive behaviors has caused and learn new ways of relating and being in healthy relationship.
Marriage separation can facilitate healing for both people in that it can help break relationship patterns. It can be incredibly hard to shift the relational dance in the same house when there is coercive control occurring. Some fear separation means divorce, but that isn’t at all true. A healthy separation where both parties are working on their own stuff can lead to true healing and maybe even reconciliation. Our goal when separation is appropriate is to help our client heal and be able to be reconciled – first and foremost to God. If reconciliation happens with his/her partner that’s an added bonus.
If you think coercive control may be present in your relationship, reach out today to schedule your free, 15-minute consultation and get connected to one of our incredible therapists or coaches.
For men who are struggling with using coercively controlling behaviors, we invite you to join our Men of Peace cohort. You can learn more and apply here for the next cohort.
