How to Be Effective - Tabitha Westbrook

Are You Trying to Be Right — or Actually Effective?

The hidden habits that keep us stuck — and the mindful shift that moves us forward.

We spend a lot of energy trying to win stuff like arguments and situations. We often have an inner monologue running constantly in our heads. But winning and being effective are not the same thing. In fact, the drive to be right is one of the biggest obstacles standing between us and the peaceful, purposeful life God promises, and also can really mess up relationships.

This week we dig into the seventh principle of mindful connection: effectiveness. This isn’t about productivity hacks or life optimization. It’s about something far more personal — learning to do what actually works, in a way that moves you toward your goals, your relationships, and ultimately, toward God.

Over years of working with clients — and doing my own inner work — I’ve seen the same pain points come up again and again when it comes to living effectively. Let’s walk through them together.

The Pain Points Standing in Our Way

These are the most common struggles that come up when we talk about effectiveness. Thankfully every single one has a way through.

Not Knowing What You Actually Want

Before we can be effective, we have to know what our goal is. But when emotions are running high, we often lose sight of what we’re actually trying to accomplish and we end up reacting instead of responding. Getting clear on the goal is the first, non-negotiable step. That might mean thinking about the goal and then asking yourself, “What happens if I actually achieve it? Will I be where I thought I would?”

Responding to What You Think Should Be — Not What Is

One of the most common traps: reacting to an imagined version of a situation rather than the real one. The friend who doesn’t ask for what she wants because her other friend “should just know” — that’s shoulding on herself and on her friend. Facts are where effective action lives. And when we don’t know we need to ask. Creating a narrative in our head is not at all effective!

Wanting to Be Right More Than Wanting to Be Free

Ouch. We’ve all been here if we’re honest. When we’re invested in being right, we’re often unwilling to shift — even when staying stuck is costing us peace, relationships, and forward movement. Sometimes we can be both right and effective. But when we can’t, we get to choose. Do I need to argue my point or do I need to choose some other action? For survivors who long for justice this can be a really tough concept. Sometimes, though, the most effective answer is to shake the dust off your feet and walk away.

Willfulness — Wanting What We Want, When We Want It

Willfulness shows up as rigidity, resistance to feedback, and an unwillingness to adapt. Scripture sometimes calls it rebellion. In relationships, we might call it selfishness. Sometimes it’s a vestige of hypervigilance and not wanting to be harmed again and being rigid feels safer. Either way, it keeps us spinning in the same patterns instead of moving forward. The antidote isn’t passivity — it’s openness. Openness does not mean we limit boundaries – it means taking a curious stance and getting more information. It means being willing to shift if needed. Some things should be rigid, but others need more flexibility.

Inventing Rules that Were Never There

With some clients and in my online class, I guide folks through a simple exercise: draw 20 triangles. While I never stated rules, nearly everyone adds conditions — they had to be the same size, neat, perfectly spaced. That’s how it can go with lots of things – we invent rules, then judge ourselves by them. This is perfectionism in disguise. There are valid reasons trauma survivors might do this, but it’s not the key to being effective.

Refusing to Ask for Help

Many of us have internalized the idea that needing help is a weakness. It isn’t. As humans, we are literally designed for community — and for dependence on both each other and God. Asking for help — from a trusted friend, a therapist, a safe pastor, or God — is one of the most effective things we can do.

Communicating in Ways That Don’t Actually Land

We can be saying all the right things and still not be heard — because how we say something matters as much as what we say. Adapting your communication style to your audience isn’t compromise. It’s diplomacy. And diplomacy makes us exponentially more effective. For survivors of trauma, this might be an area that needs to be refined a bit. What does it look like to effectively ask for what you need or say no to something you aren’t okay with? How do you do that while maintaining the relationship and your self-esteem? (We have a whole course on that if you need to dive in deeper here.)

“As Brené Brown said, ‘Clear is kind.’ If we are responding to what we think we should be, or what the situation should be, then we’re missing out on information and connection opportunity.” — Tabitha Westbrook

What Effectiveness Actually Looks Like

Being effective is not about being perfect. It’s not about getting everything right the first time. It’s about purposeful movement — doing what works, in this moment, toward the goal in front of you.

That requires a few things: knowing what your goal is, responding to what’s actually happening (not what you think should be happening), and being willing to adapt how you pursue that goal when something isn’t working.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts, and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139:23–24

Psalm 139 is an invitation to honest self-examination — not condemnation, but rather it’s about getting clarity. Asking God to search our hearts, including for willfulness, is one of the most effective things we can do. We can’t change what we don’t know and we all have things we need to adjust from time to time. It positions us to respond to reality rather than our own story about reality. I was super heartened by a leader I respect a great deal sharing a story where he’d recently made a mistake and had to make repair and figure it out. I myself had to evaluate the way I respond in stressful situations when I realized my response in a particular situation showed me an area I was not as effective as I’d have preferred. None of these situations are meant to slam us into the pavement and tell us we’re horrible. This isn’t about shame when we ask God to show us stuff. What they do is help us grow and refine and see those areas where we can grow in our ability to be effective. Think about it this way, a loving parent looks at us and goes, “Hey, that’s probably not gonna take you where you want to go. Would you like to try something different? I can help you out.”

A Few Ways to Practice This Week

Effectiveness is a skill, which means it takes practice. Here are some ways to build it intentionally:

Notice the “right vs. effective” moment. When you feel the pull to win an argument or dig in your heels, pause. Ask: what am I actually trying to accomplish here? Does being right get me there?
Set a SMART goal. Pick one area of your life — a habit, a relationship pattern, a practice — and make it Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-bound. Ask: what could get in the way, and how will I address that proactively?
Try “willing hands.” Sit comfortably and place your palms face-up in your lap. Notice what shifts in your body and your mind when you physically open your hands. It’s a small gesture with a surprisingly powerful effect.
Check your TUBES. Before reacting to a situation, scan your Thoughts, Urges, Behaviors, Emotions, and Sensations. This brief check-in can create just enough space to choose effectiveness over reactivity.
Ask for help. Identify one area where you’ve been trying to go it alone. Reach out — to a friend, a coach, your therapist, or God in prayer. We need each other.

A Word on Grace

As with everything, we hold effectiveness alongside grace. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). That means this work — noticing our willfulness, seeing our own blind spots, and, when needed, adjusting our approach — is not about shame. It’s about real freedom and growth.

The goal was never perfection. It’s mindful connection — with ourselves, with others, and with God. And effectiveness, practiced with compassion and intention, is one of the most powerful pathways to that connection.

Ready to Go Deeper? Did you just find yourself saying, “Well, this all sounds great, but I kinda would like someone to walk with me.”

Explore therapy and coaching with one of our amazing team members; schedule your free, 15-minute consultation today. We provide therapy and coaching services in person in Wake Forest, NC or Flower Mound, TX. We offer virtual therapy services across Texas and North Carolina. Virtual coaching and biblical counseling services are available globally.