Grooming in Adulthood
When we think about grooming, we often picture child victims and adult perpetrators. But grooming isn’t limited to children; it’s also a key factor in the abuse many adults experience.
It can sometimes be difficult to separate genuine kindness from coercive tactics, just like it is with childhood grooming. That’s why this post will explore how grooming can show up in romantic relationships, friendships, and the workplace.
What is Grooming?
Grooming behaviors often mimic the natural kindness found in healthy friendships and relationships, but with a sinister twist. The kindness is a false kindness with strings attached. Perpetrators use false kindness to move closer to their victims, often placing themselves in roles that feel essential in the victim’s life. That closeness is then what grants them ongoing access.
The more trusted or central the perpetrator becomes, the harder it can be for a victim to disclose what’s happening – whether to friends, family, or authorities. In fact, only 4–8% of adults who experience sexual grooming ever report it due to shame, guilt, and fear. Survivors may feel embarrassed that they “fell for it,” or fear that speaking up will harm their reputation, community, or relationships. We know from understanding coercive control dynamics that perpetrators often look good from the outside making it tough for the community to see what is truly happening.
Consent
Before looking at how grooming plays out in different relationships, we need to clarify what consent is and what it isn’t.
Consent is an agreement between adults where everyone involved is free to say “no” or withdraw consent at any time. Consent can be verbal or nonverbal, but it cannot be present when someone is:
- under the influence of substances,
- pressured by power dynamics, or
- coerced or intimidated.
A lack of the word “no” does not equal consent. Many survivors are unable to say “no” in the moment. Instead, they may try safer statements like “I need to go home” or “I have to leave.” Others may freeze or fawn, unable to speak at all.
As Tabitha Westbrook, LMFT, LCMHC, LPC, said on her Hey Tabi! podcast:
“If it is not a yes—a full, enthusiastic yes—then it was a NO. There is no in between.”
A Model of Grooming in Adulthood
While grooming can look different in every situation, researcher Grant Sinnamon identified a seven-stage model often used by perpetrators [1]:
1. Vulnerability
They identify victims who appear emotionally, socially, or otherwise vulnerable. Many position themselves as trustworthy or respectable, which can be especially effective if the groomer is in a helping profession (e.g., pastor, therapist).
2. Information Gathering
They study the victim’s needs and weaknesses, building trust by seeming helpful. And some things offered may be legitimately helpfu, but they come with strings attached.
3. Isolation
They gradually distance the victim from their support system, creating false intimacy and dependency
4. Exploiting Needs
They meet key emotional, financial, physical, or spiritual needs, deepening reliance. If the perpetrator can get past this stage, they have successfully manipulated their victim.
5. Emotional Dependency
They desensitize the victim to boundary violations and chip away at confidence. It’s often slow and subtle. Pushing here and there to see what will be tolerated. As more is tolerated, more boundaries are pushed.
6. Sexual Contact (in sexual grooming)
In romantic or routine contexts, they coerce sexual activity while framing it as consensual. They also minimize boundary-violating contact as “accidental.” For example, a boss might brush the bottom of an employee and brush it off as “accidental.”
7. Control
They maintain power through secrecy, shame, threats, and blackmail, convincing victims that disclosure would ruin them. They also may use overt threats of physical harm to maintain control. Often, they will use emotional manipulation to ensure the victim believes it’s his/her fault.
Romantic Grooming
Romantic grooming often combines emotional and sexual exploitation, leaving survivors with long-lasting social, emotional, and physical impacts.
Adult sexual grooming refers to situations where an adult is manipulated into sexual contact through emotional or psychological tactics [1]. These tactics can include pressure, guilt, badgering, blackmail, and the use of drugs or alcohol.
According to the CDC (2024), more than 1 in 2 women and 1 in 3 men experience sexual violence, including unwanted physical contact, in their lifetime. If you’re stunned by that statistic, you should be. It truly is that prevalent.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is one of the most common, and dangerous, romantic grooming tactics. It involves overwhelming a person with attention, gifts, and grand gestures [2]. For someone who feels unseen or lonely, this intensity can be intoxicating.
Love bombing triggers dopamine, the same brain chemical involved in sex, sugar, and addictive drugs [6]. Victims often become hooked on the “high,” chasing it even as the abuser begins withdrawing affection or layering in abuse [2]. And, worse yet, the perpetrator is using what we all legitimately need – care – to lure in their victims. Of course we would get a “high” from being loved! We are wired that way!
In healthy relationships, connection grows gradually through mutual trust. With love bombing, things feel fast, intense, and “too good to be true.” [6].
Common signs of love bombing include:
- Soulmate language: “You’re the one.” “We’re destined to be together.” “God told me you were my future spouse.”
- Future talk as fact: “When we get married…” “When we go to Europe…”
- Exaggerated compliments: Placing the victim on a pedestal only they control.
- Over-the-top gifts: From expensive jewelry to smaller gestures that create a sense of obligation. This often happens far too early in the relationship. We have worked with clients who were whisked away to fancy destinations within a week of meeting a person.
- Communication overload: Constant calls, texts, and demands for attention. The perpetrator wants to be the victim’s entire world.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting, a term now widely used, means making someone doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity. In grooming, perpetrators may act hostile when confronted, leaving victims feeling responsible for the relationship’s problems [2]. Gaslighting is different than disagreement. In disagreement people can hold two different perspectives and neither person is made to feel as if they are crazy or un-human or stupid for holding an opposing viewpoint.
Grooming the Support System
This is one the most important facts about grooming in adulthood. Perpetrators don’t just groom the victim – they often groom the victim’s entire community. By appearing generous, charming, or trustworthy, they make disclosure harder because people see the perpetrator as wonderful or a pillar of the community. Survivors may fear no one will believe them or that others will side with the perpetrator.
Grooming Romanticized in Culture
Culture plays a powerful role in how grooming behaviors are normalized and even celebrated.
The term rape culture describes an environment where sexually aggressive or predatory behavior is minimized, excused, or framed as acceptable. This culture makes space for grooming to flourish by:
- Victim-blaming – Suggesting survivors are responsible for the abuse because of their clothing, intoxication, or behavior.
- Disregard for boundaries – Framing harassment or coercion as romantic persistence: “He just couldn’t give up on her.”
- Trivializing sexual assault – Dismissing violence with phrases like “boys will be boys” or treating survivors’ reports as “he said, she said.”
These messages are reinforced in popular culture. In books, movies, and TV, storylines often portray coercive behaviors as romantic:
- A persistent admirer ignores “no” until the reluctant love interest “finally gives in.”
- Controlling or possessive partners are framed as protective.
- Intense, boundary-crossing behavior is celebrated as proof of passion.
In one study of 50 mainstream movies, 77% of sexual interactions relied on nonverbal cues rather than explicit consent [1]. This blurs the cultural understanding of consent and leaves room for coercion to be misread as intimacy.
When media glamorizes coercion, younger audiences especially may grow up believing that healthy, respectful relationships are boring, while unsafe or boundary-violating ones are “romantic.” This cultural backdrop makes grooming harder to spot and harder to name because it has already been normalized for us. Pornography adds to this paradigm significantly because it often depicts both violence and lack of consent as being “normal” parts of physical intimacy. There is ample data to demonstrate that regular pornography use rewires the brain in harmful ways.
Friendship Grooming in Adulthood
Friendships are powerful, but they’re often less discussed compared to discussion around romantic relationships. Cultural messages like “ride-or-die” loyalty or “found family” can make it hard to notice when dependency tips into something unhealthy. To be clear, loyal friends and chosen family can be incredibly healthy and life giving. We want to help you know the difference between healthy connection and grooming in adulthood.
Just like in romantic relationships, grooming in friendships can start with love bombing – intense loyalty, flattery, or secret-sharing that creates a false sense of closeness. While it may feel encouraging at first, it can quickly move into dependency and control.
How it Can Look
- Isolation – The friend discourages other relationships, takes up most of your time, or subtly discredits others with comments like, “I just don’t think they get you like I do.” Gossip is common: they may badmouth people in your life to you, leaving you wondering if they gossip about you as well. This creates an “us vs. them” bond.
- Gaslighting & Coercion – Boundaries are slowly eroded – financially (“I thought you’d cover this for me”), emotionally (“I need you to pick up, even at 2 AM”), or socially (selective inclusion/exclusion to make you feel responsible or unsafe). If you confront them, you may be told you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy.”
- Manipulative minimization – When confronted, they may flip the script with self-deprecating lines like, “I’m the worst friend,” or “I never do anything right.” This tactic pulls the focus away from your concern and forces you into caretaking them instead.
- Financial pressure – Expecting large gifts, pressuring you to pay, or guilting you into covering expenses.
- Boundary violations – Disrespecting your time, expecting constant availability, or tracking your location under the guise of concern.
- Threats & blackmail – Using the possibility of ending the friendship or exposing secrets to maintain control.
Why It Matters
Healthy friendships are built on trust, respect, and freedom. Destructive ones thrive on secrecy, dependency, and guilt. Over time, coercive friendships erode self-esteem, foster confusion, and damage self-worth. Recognizing these signs allows you to name what’s happening and take back your boundaries.
Workplace Grooming in Adulthood
Workplace grooming can be uniquely destructive because of the built-in power imbalance and the reality of financial dependence. Many people minimize or ignore these patterns in order to maintain job security, making them especially difficult to confront. You’ll notice the tactics are the same as other areas of grooming in adulthood – but the context in which they are used is different.
Common Tactics
- Boundary Crossing – Favoritism or “special treatment” is framed as mentorship or career advancement, but in reality it blurs professional lines. Over time, this can normalize inappropriate demands on time, labor, or loyalty.
- Exploitation of Loyalty – Some workplaces highlight their “family culture” to pressure employees into rule-bending, unpaid overtime, or sacrificing personal boundaries. Refusing can lead to being labeled disloyal or uncommitted.
- Sexual Grooming – Perpetrators may start by testing boundaries with jokes or comments that seem questionable but “harmless.” This can escalate into private meetings, inappropriate touch, or coercion into a sexual relationship.
Why It’s Hard to Report
Silencing mechanisms in the workplace can be especially powerful due to:
- Fear of retaliation or career loss
- Damage to reputation in the industry
- Shame, self-blame, or minimization (“maybe I misunderstood”)
When victims weigh these risks, many choose silence, allowing the abuse to continue unchecked.
Telling the Difference
There is genuine kindness in this world and in relationships. This chart can help you understand which is which.
|
Genuine Kindness |
Emotional Grooming |
How Grooming Controls |
| Respects boundaries | Gradually tests and pushes boundaries | Normalizes boundary violations, desensitizes to discomfort |
| Transparent intentions | Vague, confusing, or shifting motives | Creates confusion and self-doubt in the victim |
| Consistent and appropriate for the relationship | Feels “too special,” intense, or overly personal too soon | Mimics intimacy to build false trust and emotional attachment |
| No secrecy required | Insists on keeping things “just between us” | Prevents disclosure, creates shame and feelings of complicity |
| Accepts no without pressure or guilt | Guilt-trips, shames, or ignores refusals | Undermines autonomy and conditions compliance |
| Encourages independence and self-confidence | Creates emotional dependency or exaggerated sense of loyalty | Makes the adult feel obligated, indebted, or responsible for the groomer’s feelings |
| Supports your values and safety | Challenges your reality, dismisses concerns | Increases confusion and self-blame, gaslights your instincts |
| Behaves consistently across settings (e.g., home, public) | Acts differently in public than in private | Creates secrecy, fear, or confusion about what’s “normal” |
How to Spot Grooming in Adulthood
- Trust your gut. If the relationship always feels intense, or you feel uneasy, listen to that inner warning. Writing down behaviors can help separate fact from emotion.
- Stay connected. Grooming often relies on isolation. If a relationship is pulling you away from friends, family, or yourself, take note.
- Notice their reaction when you push back. If setting boundaries leads to hostility, blame-shifting, or guilt-tripping, that’s a red flag. And as we often say here, “Those red flags don’t mean it’s a carnival!”
Remember: grooming thrives in confusion. The more you recognize the signs, the harder it is for someone to manipulate your boundaries or autonomy.
Final Note about Grooming in Adulthood
At The Journey and The Process, we specialize in supporting survivors of complex trauma, including those who have experienced grooming in adulthood and abuse of all kinds. Our whole-person, evidence-based therapy helps survivors heal and feel safe in their bodies, relationships, and faith again.
We are experts in EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems. We also offer trauma-informed biblical counseling that goes beyond “take two verses and call me in the morning.”
You are not alone. We are here for you. Don’t let one more day pass by without getting the help you need. Reach out for a free, 15-minute consultation and let us help you walk the healing path.
References
[1] Atletky, C., Sharma, B., Carbajal, J., & Eubank, T. (2025). Adult sexual grooming: A systemic review. Journal of Social Work in the Global Community, 9(1-17). https://doi.10.5590/jswgc.2025.09.1058
[2] DVSN (2024). The manipulative “romance” of grooming & love bombing. Domestic Violence Services Network, Inc. https://www.dvsn.org/february-2024-the-manipulative-romance-of-grooming-love-bombing/
[3] Morrison, W. (2019). Abusive friendships are real. Here’s how to recognize you’re in one. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-recognize-abusive-friendships#1
[4] Payne, S. (2022). 16 signs you’re in an abusive friendship & how to respond. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/abusive-friendship/
[5] Wolfe & Mote Law Group, LLC. (2022). Is it sexual assault if they didn’t say “No?” Wolfe Law Group. https://www.wvwlegal.com/blog/is-it-sexual-assault-if-they-didnt-say-no/
[6] Woodward, C. (2022). Love bombing–The ultimate grooming technique. National Center for Domestic Violence. https://www.ncdv.org.uk/love-bombing-the-ultimate-grooming-technique/