Spiritual Abuse Defined

The phrase spiritual abuse is being used more often, which is helpful and also can be complicated.

It’s helpful, because many people have been harmed in the name of God and finally have language for their experience. Putting language to trauma helps us reengage our prefrontal cortex (the front thinky thinky part of our brain) where our language center is. This helps us process our experiences and make meaning of them. 

It’s complicated because the term is sometimes used so broadly that it loses meaning, or so narrowly that real harm gets dismissed. If everything is spiritual abuse or religious trauma, then nothing is.

If you’ve ever wondered “Was that spiritual abuse, or was I just hurt?” you’re not alone. Let’s dive in and name what spiritual abuse is and is not.

What Spiritual Abuse Is

At its core, spiritual abuse is the misuse of spiritual authority, language, or practices to control, coerce, silence, or dominate another person. I often define it as “taking someone’s good and right devotion to God and using it as a weapon against them.”

It is not about disagreement or imperfection. It is about power and control.

Spiritual abuse often includes:

1. Using God or Scripture to Control Behavior

• “God told me you must…”
• “A faithful Christian wouldn’t question this.”
• “If you leave, you’re disobeying God.”
• “Thus saith the Lord…”
• “Don’t speak against the Lord’s anointed.”

Scripture becomes a tool of pressure and imprisonment rather than a source of wisdom, freedom, or discernment.

2. Equating Obedience to Leaders with Obedience to God

When spiritual leaders present themselves as:

• God’s sole mouthpiece—”I speak for God.”
• Above accountability
• Immune from correction—often elder boards, if they exist, are stacked with “yes” men and women who do not challenge the leader

Questioning leadership is framed as rebellion, pride, or lack of faith.

3. Silencing Questions, Doubt, or Discernment

Spiritual abuse thrives where:

• Curiosity is punished
• Doubt is shamed
• Emotional or spiritual pain is minimized or completely ignored

Phrases like “Just pray more,” “Forgive and move on,” or “Don’t let the enemy get a foothold” are often used to shut down honest processing or questions. 

4. Using Fear to Maintain Control

This can include, but is not limited to, fear about:

• Losing salvation
• Being cursed (or accursed)
• Being ostracized or excommunicated
• Disappointing God 

Fear replaces love as the primary motivator. God is cast as the punitive judge in the sky ready to punish you for any misstep.

5. Spiritualizing Harm or Suffering

Examples include:

• Encouraging someone to stay in an abusive relationship “for God’s glory”
• Framing endurance of harm as holiness
• Calling boundary-setting selfish or unbiblical
• Calling questions about process or guidance as “gossip”

Pain is reframed as virtue rather than something worthy of care and protection. The victim is often cast as the problem or as someone who is “divisive.”

What Spiritual Abuse is Not

It’s equally important to name what does not automatically qualify as spiritual abuse.

1. Disagreement

Disagreeing with a belief, teaching, or theological position, even strongly, does not mean abuse occurred.

Healthy faith communities allow for:

• Difference
• Conversation
• Growth over time

Conversation, even passionate ones, are held with respect and care. People are willing to treat each other as image bearers of the Living God even when they don’t agree with each other.

2. Imperfect Leaders or Congregants

Leaders are human. Congregants are human. We all make mistakes, communicate poorly, or need growth at times. Those things do not equal abuse. True leaders own their mistakes and are appropriately transparent about them. You can talk through issues with other congregants or express hurt feelings and work through issues in healthy systems. 

Spiritual abuse, like other abuse, is evidenced by power and control, not occasional missteps followed by accountability. 

3. Conviction or Discomfort

Feeling challenged by a sermon, scripture, or spiritual practice can be uncomfortable, but discomfort alone is not abuse.

The key difference: Conviction invites reflection while abuse demands compliance

4. Healthy Authority or Structure

All communities have structure. Leadership itself is not abusive. In fact, power can be exercised appropriately. 

Healthy authority:

• Invites consent
• Welcomes accountability
• Honors personal agency
• Makes changes when something isn’t working well

Why Abuse Can be Hard to Name

Many people harmed spiritually hesitate to name it because:

• “Others had it worse”
• “They meant well”
• “It wasn’t all bad”

Many people don’t want to say anything if they aren’t 100% sure they were harmed. We often try to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially people we care about and respect. This is normal and not at all bad. In fact, we should start out with curiosity! But when it was truly harmful, we can get to the point we name it clearly.

Spiritual abuse can coexist with good memories, what felt like (and may have been) genuine care, and real community. That makes it incredibly tricky at points. In a situation I was in, I remember feeling genuinely cared for by one particular church member who told me he could see eternity in me. At the time, the leader of this organization was beating me down. That small compliment was a drop of cool water in a desert. It was totally fine for me to see that as good, even in a bad situation. 

Naming harm doesn’t mean we have to erase what was meaningful.

Why Naming Spiritual Abuse Matters

Spiritual abuse impacts:

• Identity—specifically our understanding of our identity in Christ and also our identity as a human being
• Nervous system regulation
• Attachment to God and to others

When harm goes unnamed, people often internalize the damage as personal failure rather than relational violation.

Naming it:

• Brings our prefrontal cortex online so we can work to integrate healing
• Restores agency
• Reduces shame

A Closing Invitation

Healing does not require certainty, only honesty and gentleness toward yourself.

You are allowed (and we’d encourage you) to ask:

• What felt life-giving?
• What felt coercive or unsafe?
• What do I need now to feel grounded and whole?

Journaling these could be very helpful in picking up the pieces. 

An Invitation for Clarity

If this post stirred questions, or helped you name things you’ve struggled to put words to, you don’t have to figure it out all at once. We invite you to take a curious perspective and ask more questions.

We created a short, reflective quiz called “Is My Church Safe or a High-Control Space?” to help you gently assess dynamics around power, safety, consent, and spiritual authority to help you gain insight.

Next Steps

If you need support to heal from spiritual abuse or religious trauma, we’d love to help you. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. Our expert therapists and coaches would love to walk with you on your healing journey.