Why “Narcissistic Abuse” Is the Wrong Label for Abusive Relationships
The internet is flooded with content about “narcissistic abuse.” A simple search reveals countless YouTube channels, podcasts, and articles dedicated to this single term. While it’s become a convenient shorthand in our cultural lexicon, labeling an abusive partner as a “narcissist” or “covert narc” or “narc” may be one of the most counterproductive ways to understand what’s really happening in toxic relationships. As a licensed trauma therapists specializing in domestic abuse, we’ve observed how this terminology misleads survivors and potentially puts them at greater risk.
When we frame coercive control as “narcissism,” we inadvertently shift focus from dangerous behaviors to a potential personality disorder diagnosis. This misdirection can lead survivors down rabbit holes searching for ways to “fix” their partner’s behaviors rather than recognizing the inherent danger of the situation. In faith-based communities especially, framing abuse as a personality disorder can reinforce dangerous beliefs that with enough prayer, therapy, or patience, the abuser will change. This misunderstanding keeps victims trapped in cycles of hope and disappointment while enduring ongoing harm.
What we’re often witnessing isn’t simply narcissism but coercive control – a pattern of psychological and emotional domination used to systematically maintain power over a partner. Coercive control operates through tactics like isolation, monitoring movements, gaslighting, financial restriction, and creating unpredictable environments where victims constantly walk on eggshells. This is far beyond mere self-focus or narcissistic tendencies; it’s what we describe as “battery of the soul” – a comprehensive pummeling of someone’s personhood and autonomy.
Why Words Matter
The distinction matters tremendously for safety reasons. When coercive control is framed as narcissistic abuse, it minimizes the potential danger. Coercive control, by contrast, is recognized as inherently dangerous even without obvious physical violence. This recognition is critical because abusive relationships can escalate to deadly in an instant. Safety planning becomes paramount when we correctly identify coercive control, whereas labeling someone a “narcissist” or “narcissistic” may lead victims and professionals alike to underestimate risk levels.
Using proper terminology also matters in legal contexts. When victims use terms like “narcissist” or “narcissistic abuse” in court proceedings without an official diagnosis (which most therapists cannot provide for someone they haven’t assessed), they risk being labeled as “high conflict” themselves. Courts may dismiss their concerns as exaggerations or character attacks. Conversely, many states now include coercive control language in their domestic violence laws, making this terminology much more effective in legal settings.
Perhaps most concerning is how the narcissism framework affects treatment approaches. It often leads to couples counseling, which can be actively dangerous in coercively controlling relationships. The abuser typically manipulates therapy settings, weaponizing vulnerabilities revealed during sessions and using the therapist’s neutrality to further gaslight the victim and then weaponize the victim’s vulnerability. Rather than couples counseling, these situations require individual trauma-informed therapy for the victim and high-accountability intervention for the perpetrator.
What to Do if This Sounds Like Your Relationship
If you recognize the signs of coercive control in your relationship – walking on eggshells, being punished for disagreement, having your faith or past trauma weaponized against you, or feeling constantly afraid – know that you deserve safety, respect, and freedom. This isn’t about diagnosing your partner but about accurately understanding your situation so you can take appropriate steps toward safety. Connect with advocates who specialize in domestic abuse (like those at Called to Peace Ministries), find trauma-informed therapists who understand coercive control dynamics, and develop a safety plan that addresses your specific circumstances.
The language we use shapes how we understand and respond to abuse. By moving beyond the narcissism framework to recognize coercive control for what it is, we empower survivors with clarity, appropriate resources, and paths to safety that truly address the dynamics they’re experiencing. You don’t need a diagnosis to justify the pain of abuse – you simply deserve to be free from it.
Next Steps
We specialize treating trauma, including helping people heal from coercively controlling abusive relationships. All therapists, counselors, life coaches, and interns are trained domestic abuse advocates, as well as trained in the best evidence-based modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, internal family systems, and somatic experiencing. Our biblical counselors & life coaches also can help you craft a new life as you heal.
Don’t wait one more day to find freedom and healing. Reach out for your free, 15-minute discovery call today.
Watch the Hey Tabi podcast episode where Founder & CEO discusses this topic.