Written by Gwen Soat, LCMHCA
Romance Fiction Red Flags
Last week we began unpacking the red flags we see in romantic fiction. This week we unpack the final six in our two-part series.
7. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Non-Consensual or Coercive Behavior Portrayed as Desire
In romance fiction, a partner may kiss or touch the love interest without asking. In a passion scene, they may pin the other against the wall and continue their pursuance despite hesitation. The love interest may invade her space, touch her, smell her, or kiss her without consent. These scenes are depicted as passion with the belief that he “couldn’t help himself” or couldn’t “wait” any longer since he was so in love.
As readers, we may fall for this because it is marketed as spontaneity and confidence. In media, the lack of consent is often built into this passionate, confident moment, even if one of them wasn’t ready to admit their feelings. This forced intimacy can bring them to admit their feelings. For those whose stories include blurred consent, it can echo past experiences where boundaries were not respected and violation can be confused with desire.
In Reality
In reality, consent is sexy—coercion is not. Just as a reminder, consent is a full, enthusiastic “yes.” Passion without consent is not romantic, it’s predatory. Mutual desire requires ongoing communication, autonomy, and trust. Checking in with your partner, asking permission, and respecting hesitation are all signs of genuine care and respect, not barriers to romance.
8. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Dependency Framed as Devotion
In these stories, couples become entrenched in each other’s existences. They believe their entire purpose for existing is to love and be with their person. When faced with a reality that does not include their partner, they would choose to rather die than face it. Life becomes meaningless without this person.
As readers, we may fall for this because of the craved desire to belong and be significant for someone else. When we fear abandonment, it can feel so secure to be the reason someone is living. It is intoxicating to be someone’s very reason for existing.
In Reality
In reality, this promotes enmeshment rather than healthy interdependence. Love should expand your world, not shrink it. Healthy devotion allows for both people to have separate identities, passions, friendships, and goals. Two whole people choosing each other creates a stronger foundation than two halves trying to make a whole.
9. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Power Imbalances
In romantic fiction, love can be found in the most unlikely of places—between a boss and employee, teacher and student, or an older individual with a younger person. These taboo matches feel thrilling and forbidden and make their love feel unavoidable and real.
As readers, we may fall for this because power dynamics heighten tension and fantasy. These pairings in real life are fraught with drama and intrigue—often becoming the top storylines for news, documentaries, and other media outlets. For some, being chosen by someone powerful or forbidden feels affirming; as if nothing could get in the way of them choosing you.
In Reality
In reality, power imbalances can enable exploitation or abuse under the guise of “forbidden love.” Having unchecked, unequal power dynamics can make genuine consent impossible. These relationships often involve coercion, fear, or dependency. In sustaining, lasting love, mutual respect, equality, and freely given consent are necessary. The person with more power always has a responsibility to recognize and not exploit that dynamic.
10. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Isolation from Friends and Support Systems
In romance fiction, after the couple falls in love, the love interest becomes the center of the main character’s world. They may stop hanging out with their friends, don’t tell anyone where they’re going, hide arguments, or only confide in each other. This exclusivity is framed as intimacy and a belief that, “No one else could understand.”
As readers, we may fall for this because it taps into the fantasy of being someone’s entire world. Having total devotion in a relationship feels like ultimate, all-consuming love. For trauma survivors, isolation can mimic the “specialness” or enmeshment often experienced in grooming; since this is familiar, it may feel safe. (You can learn more about grooming in our series on it.)
In Reality
In reality, isolation is one of the first warning signs of an abusive, destructive relationship. Healthy love encourages connection and autonomy, not secrecy and co-dependency. If it feels as though you cannot talk to others about your relationship, that’s not privacy—that’s control. A partner who truly loves you will encourage your friendships and celebrate your connections outside the relationship.
11. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Violence During Intimacy
In romance fiction, strangulation, slapping, or the use of dangerous items during sex is portrayed as passionate, edgy, or proof of chemistry and trust. These are often normalized in “dark romance” fictional stories without context or discussion of consent and safety. Sometimes, the aggressor is not a human, as is the case with “romantasy” stories, making boundaries even more blurry.
As readers, we may fall for this because power and surrender can feel thrilling. Adrenaline and arousal often mimic each other and can become enmeshed in our arousal structures. The taboo nature can feel exciting and transgressive.
In Reality
In reality, consensual kinks practiced within a relationship with clear communication, boundaries, and aftercare are one thing (and kink is a broad, broad term), but unexamined violence is another. When physical harm is portrayed as the height of passion—especially without negotiation, aftercare, or enthusiastic consent—it can equate danger with desire. BDSM communities emphasize consent, safety, and care; fiction often skips these crucial elements. Additionally, strangulation is never, ever safe. Often called “sexual choking” it can lead to death and is the biggest indicator that domestic abuse will become lethal. And, it should be noted, here at The Journey and The Process, we encourage clients to be curious when violence shows up in their arousal templates; oftentimes, it stems from past sexual harm. For more information, you can check out Tabitha Westbrook’s book Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control.
12. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Female Submissiveness as Virtue
In these stories, the woman is constantly deferring to her partner—emotionally, sexually, or practically—and it is described as feminine or godly devotion. She may defer to her partner because he has more experience, is of higher rank, or because she wholly trusts him. Her lack of agency or voice is portrayed as proof of her goodness or femininity.
As readers, we may fall for this because cultural or religious narratives often equate submission with love or worthiness. Being “chosen” by a strong, dominant man can feel validating and loving. Having someone take control and control the narrative can feel safe, especially for those who grew up with the burden of too much responsibility.
In Reality
In reality, true partnership and intimacy allow both people to be strong, curious, and autonomous. Submission without choice isn’t loving—it’s coercive. It’s also not submission – it’s subjugation. In these dynamics, the highlight should not be focused on how the woman submits, but whether the man is worthy of her trust and whether her submission is a free choice made from a place of power, not powerlessness. Healthy relationships evidence mutuality.
Reading Responsibly
Fiction and romance provide an escape where other worlds can be real and love can be unconditional. While many of these tropes and themes are common in fictional romance, it is important to explore the impact they can have on us as readers and what the romance fiction red flags are. Here are some ways to engage with romantic fiction more mindfully:
- Stay curious, not judgmental. If a trope or theme attracts you, ask why. Does it mirror something from your past or a wound you’re still healing from? There’s no shame in what resonates with us—curiosity helps us understand ourselves better. Many people never get curious about their arousal templates (the constellation of things that bring sexual arousal), but being curious is the pathway to beginning to understand and healing sexual harm and brokenness.
- Differentiate fantasy from desire. You can enjoy a story without wanting that dynamic in your real life. Fiction can be just that—fiction. Enjoying something on the page doesn’t mean you want or deserve it in reality. But if you are becoming habituated – used to – the fantasy and find it starting to show up in your inner world, you may want to determine whether a given book or series is for you.
- Notice your body’s response. Does a scene make you tense, anxious, or activated? That might be a cue from your nervous system. Stay curious about what these responses are telling you.
- Seek representations of healthy love. If this post resonated with you, consider exploring stories where communication, consent, and safety are just as compelling as chaos. These stories exist and can help reshape our understanding of what love can look like. In fact, there are whole series of books that depict healthy relationships and are not smarmy or dumb.
- Reflect, don’t shame. These tropes are popular because they touch deep human longings—belonging, passion, redemption, being chosen. Awareness lets us reclaim these needs and meet them in healthier ways, both in fiction and in life.
We hope this two-part series on romance fiction red flags has helped you become more curious about what you are reading. If you want to explore some of these themes and how your body responds to them or you’re curious about what exactly has gotten woven into your arousal template, we at the Journey and the Process would be happy to walk alongside you. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are here to help you thrive.
