Spiritual Grooming

Faith holds immense power in someone’s life. It is often the most intimate and soul-binding experience. The church is meant to be a place of safety, trust, and meaning.

When predators use this soul-focused trust to control and harm, a person’s relationship with themselves, with others, and with God can be poisoned. As we see in Scripture, people can use God-given power in negative and exploitative ways. The more we understand what spiritual grooming looks like, the better equipped we are to create safeguards that protect people of faith. Knowledge is a powerful tool for prevention.

What is Spiritual Grooming?

Spiritual grooming is the slow manipulation of someone’s faith, relationship with God, and respect for spiritual authority in order to gain control, often leading to emotional, sexual, or spiritual abuse. Sometimes it leads to all three.

This can happen in clergy relationships, church communities, or even romantic partnerships under the guise of faith.

If any of this sounds like your story, please take care when reading. You are not alone, and what happened to you was not your fault.

1. Clergy Abuse and the Power of Trust

Clergy abuse occurs when someone in a position of power in a church setting (pastor, leader, elder, etc.) uses Scripture, their role, or the church system itself to control or exploit another individual.

The grooming process in clergy abuse often begins with flattery — where a spiritual leader constantly notices something unique or special about their victim. They may highlight the victim’s gifts or potential. This creates a false sense of gratitude, loyalty, and intimacy with the spiritual leader [6]. Abusive clergy may also provide “above and beyond” care in ways that cross emotional, ethical, spiritual, and sometimes physical boundaries [1].

Clergy abuse is not a one-time act but a pattern of coercive and exploitative behavior [5]. Perpetrators often target those who are recent converts, have a history of trauma, or are emotionally vulnerable.

Benefit of the Doubt Syndrome

Dr. Diane Langberg notes that many leaders who commit spiritual abuse are gifted and well-respected by their congregation [5]. When these leaders begin to act in questionable ways (e.g., pulling Scripture out of context, making bold or damaging remarks), their congregation often makes excuses for them. This shows that the grooming process has been effective and that the entire system has been groomed.

Pastors or leaders rarely begin their ministry intending to abuse. Howver, over time, unchecked power and lack of accountability can create an environment where spiritual abuse develops [6].

It is human and normal to want to give trusted leaders the benefit of the doubt — especially in church, where we are often taught to forgive and give grace. But sometimes that instinct allows abuse to continue unchecked. We’ll talk more about this, but asking good questions can help us maintain grace while seeking truth.

Twisting Scripture

“Twisting Scripture” refers to using biblical verses out of context to enforce control, shame, or silence. It is one of the most damaging tools of spiritual abuse, because it misuses the voice of God. For someone already vulnerable, this creates deep confusion — wondering if resisting the abuser means resisting God Himself. In fact, crafty abusers communicate this explicitly or implicitly as they manipulate both the system and the victim.

Clergy may “cherry-pick” verses to enforce their own beliefs while ignoring other passages that challenge or contradict their stance [4]. These misused verses often arouse fear and create an “us vs. them” mentality [1]. They are used to control congregants and reinforce the abuser’s power in the system.

Scripture may also be weaponized to turn accusations back on victims, compounding their pain [3].

Power & Authority Abused & Gaslighting

Clergy or other leaders may present themselves as “God’s voice” or “God’s chosen leader,” leaving no room for healthy boundaries or questioning. Often, those who raise concerns are branded as “rebellious,” “lacking faith,” or even “being used by Satan.” Women are often vilified and called things like a “Jezebel” for raising the alarm.

Broken Systems & Unclear Protocols

Churches often struggle to call out problematic behavior due to unclear protocols [6]. Without clear by-laws and accountability structures, the process becomes hazy — protecting abusers and silencing victims. At least one developer has posited creating an app for churches that allows for confidential reporting of issues, much like business use.

The bystander effect can also shield abusers. Congregants, staff, and volunteers may all hesitate to “cause problems” in their church. Women, in particular, are often taught — explicitly or implicitly — that their voices should be quiet in faith-based spaces. Speaking against a male leader may feel impossible. Also, many will say, “That’s just the way [the person] is…” and make excuses for the abusive leader. If these situations resonate, we see you.

Impact on Survivors of Spiritual Grooming

Survivors of spiritual grooming that leads to abuse often feel unsafe in church, mistrustful of leaders, and even disconnected from God. Being abused by someone who claims to serve God feels like a soul-betrayal. It is a soul-level betrayal.

When Scripture itself is weaponized, survivors often lose trust not only in the church but in God. Many feel they must walk away altogether — not out of lack of faith, but out of deep betrayal [6].

But Scripture also shows us a God of justice:

Tamar and Judah (Genesis 38:25): Tamar risked everything to hold Judah accountable, exposing hypocrisy in a patriarchal system that exploited her.
Nathan and David (2 Samuel 12:1–15): Nathan risked his life by challenging King David’s abuse of power, declaring, “You are the man!”
Jesus and the Pharisees (Matthew 23): Jesus openly confronted religious leaders who burdened others with hypocrisy and control.

Sexual Abuse in the Church

When sexual abuse occurs in the church, it is often hidden by secrecy, power imbalances, and a culture of silence and shame. We talk about the adult grooming process in our previous blog on this topic.

Consent note: When the perpetrator is a spiritual leader, true consent is impossible. Let us say that again – true consent is not possible. Fear of repercussions, obligation, or the false belief that the abuse is “God’s will” all make it impossible to truly consent. There is an inherent power imbalance. If this is your story — it was not your fault. Even if you ultimately said, “yes.” Was your yes really free of coercion? We doubt it. If you are suddenly feeling woozy or destabilized, we strongly encourage you connect with a therapist who can help you explore your story.

Sexual Grooming Behaviors

Sexual abuse is not limited to physical acts. It may involve sexualizing conversations, sending or requesting sexual images, pressuring you for sexual activity, exploiting vulnerable moments with physical touch, or any non-consensual sexual behavior [7].

The grooming process may include [2]:

Establishing Trust: Abuser appears caring and trustworthy, often with a respected public image.
Emotional Manipulation: Special attention, gifts, or praise create dependency.
Testing Boundaries: Small “innocent” acts gradually escalate.
Isolation: Victim is cut off from supports, sometimes with spiritual justification.
Secrecy: Victim is threatened with shame or harm if they speak out.

Purity Culture’s Impact

Purity culture emphasizes abstinence before marriage as the ultimate sign of holiness, often targeting women disproportionately. Practices like purity pledges, rings, and modesty rules reinforced fear and shame-based control.

For survivors of sexual abuse, purity culture compounds harm:

They may feel permanently “tainted” or “dirty.”
They may blame themselves for being victimized.
They may believe God is disappointed in them — when in reality, God grieves with them and affirms their worth.

We want to remind you that if you have been exploited by someone in leadership it is not your fault.

Spiritual Abuse in Romantic Relationships

Within Marriage

In conservative Christian households, male headship is often emphasized. Husbands are positioned as spiritual leaders, while wives are pressured to remain silent and defer. When abuse is present, this dynamic strips women of autonomy. We call this “hyper-headship” and it is not consistent with Scripture at all.

Sexual intimacy may be reframed as an act of submission, erasing consent. The husband’s needs are highlighted, while the wife’s needs are minimized. Scripture about submission is twisted to justify coercion, leaving survivors feeling betrayed by both God and their own bodies. Submission never means subjugation. Submission first happens between a believer and God, and husbands are admonished to care for their wives like they care for their own bodies and to not treat her harshly. Not seeking and receiving explicit, freely given consent would absolutely violate those tenets.

Outside Marriage

During dating or courtship, abusers may cloak manipulation in divine language: “God told me you’re my spouse.” This is a form of spiritual love bombing.

Abusers may also rush commitment or marriage to “avoid sin,” masking urgency as holiness when it is actually control. They may pressure victims into sexual compromise, saying, “God knows our hearts — we’re going to get married anyway.” This would not be a place to move up the engagement to avoid sexual sin – it’s a place to put on the brakes and reconsider the relationship. Good, godly partners do not coerce.

When conflict arises, phrases like “God brought us together” are used to trap victims, discouraging questioning or autonomy. Resistance may be labeled as lack of faith or rejection of God’s plan. We also would like to remind you, the Holy Spirit lives in all believers. God should be speaking to you about things, too. If God isn’t saying the same thing and you don’t feel peace, this is a red flag.

Undermining Emotional Needs as “Worldly”

A hallmark of spiritual abuse is dismissing emotional needs as “worldly” or sinful. This is emotional gaslighting wrapped in spiritual language.

Emotions like sadness, anxiety, or anger are reframed as signs of weak faith: “If you trusted God, you wouldn’t feel this way.”
Requests for connection are dismissed as “clingy” or “idolatrous.” Survivors are told, “Only God can meet that need.”
Over time, victims believe they are too needy, too emotional, or too broken.

Let us be clear: God created emotions. Jesus Himself expressed anger, grief, joy, and longing. Desiring safety, connection, and affection is not worldly — it is human and God-given. We’ll say it again – emotions are God given and part of being made in the image and likeness of God. We don’t live and die by them, but they are a good gift from God that gives us needed information and depth.

Repentance & Repetition Cycle

Abusers may use cycles of repentance to excuse repeated harm. They confess, seek forgiveness, and expect grace — but fail to change. This keeps survivors trapped in hope while the abuse continues.

Impacts on Spiritual Growth

Spiritual grooming in relationships mimics spiritual maturity, leaving survivors questioning their own discernment. Many experience cognitive dissonance: wanting to honor God, yet feeling violated spiritually, emotionally, or physically.

Marriage is meant to reflect Christ’s relationship with the church. Other relationships are meant to empower the body of Christ to do the work of the Kingdom on earth. When it becomes coercive and exploitative, abuse distorts both faith and self-worth.

Healing from Spiritual Grooming

Survivors often struggle to separate God’s voice from their abuser’s. Scripture may feel triggering instead of comforting.

But hear this:

God does not partner with abuse or coercion. He is a God who seeks justice for the oppressed and grace for the wounded.
You deserve to reclaim your faith, to redefine your relationship with God outside manipulative structures.
You deserve safe community. If church is not safe right now, that’s okay. Healing can also come through trusted friends, trauma-informed leaders, and compassionate community.

Therapy or support groups can also help untangle spiritual language from abuse. At The Journey and The Process, we specialize in supporting survivors of complex trauma, including grooming and spiritual abuse. Our whole-person, evidence-based therapy, biblical counseling, and trauma-focused group help survivors feel safe in their bodies, relationships, and faith again.

We are trained in EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems. We also offer trauma-informed biblical counseling and coaching that goes beyond “take two verses and call me in the morning.”

You are not alone. We are here for you. Reach out today for a free consultation.

References

[1] Barnett, J. (2023). What is spiritual abuse? And how do we heal from it? Sojourners. https://sojo.net/articles/what-spiritual-abuse-church-and-how-do-we-heal-it

[2] Diamond, P. (n.d.). Recognizing grooming danger signs of sexual abuse in the church. Survivor Space. https://survivorspace.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/06/Recognizing-Grooming-in-the-Church-Tip-Sheet_Pierre-Diamond.pdf

[3] Diederich, F.R. (2025). Church abuse: Why “Matthew 18” may not apply to confronting pastors. Reading Remy. https://www.readingremy.com/blog/church-abuse-why-matthew-18-may-not-apply-to-confronting-pastors

[4] Clemens, M. (2024). Living and growing: Twisting scripture to suit themselves. Juneau Empire. https://www.juneauempire.com/life/living-and-growing-twisting-scripture-to-suit-themselves-rather-than-god/

[5] Hwang, T. (2021). Spiritual abuse: Why the church needs to talk about this problem. Sola Network. https://sola.network/article/spiritual-abuse-why-the-church-needs-to-talk-about-this-problem/

[6] Hwang, T. (2021). Why does spiritual abuse take place in a church? Sola Network. https://sola.network/article/why-does-spiritual-abuse-take-place-in-a-church/

[7] Jenner Law (n.d.). What is clergy sexual abuse of power? Jenner Law Firm. https://www.jennerlawfirm.com/faqs/what-is-clergy-sexual-abuse-of-power/

[8] Lothian, S. (2020). Grooming: The danger signals. Church Times. https://www.churchtimes.co.uk/articles/2020/16-october/features/features/grooming-the-danger-signals