The Parenting Trap
Parenting adolescents who have experienced trauma sits at the intersection of tenderness and steel. In general, teens today carry layered stressors: personal history, family disruption, chronic news of violence, and a social world that never powers down. When trauma is present—domestic abuse, loss, coercive control, spiritual harm—the heat rises fast. Parents often ask how to hold firm boundaries while offering compassion that actually lands. The first move is regulation.
Yours. Seriously.
A dysregulated adult cannot co-regulate a dysregulated teen. Step back if needed, name the pause, and return when both bodies and minds are cooler.
From there, lead with curiosity. All behavior is purposeful. Under the disrespect or shutdown is data about things like fear, shame, injustice, or belonging. Curiosity is not permissiveness; it is assessment. You are listening for the forest, not just the trees.
Boundaries and enjoyment can coexist, and adolescents need both. Attachment – how connected you and your kiddo are – deepens when a young person feels seen, not fixed. Enjoying your teen looks like:
- Delighting in them – Lighting up when they enter the room.
- Knowing their cues, and respecting their “no” to touch while offering presence.
- Building love maps (knowing their inner world): the bands they obsess over, the causes they defend, the jokes that land, the foods that comfort, the teachers who “get” them.
These deposits buffer the inevitable withdrawals of conflict, limits, and consequences. They fill the “love bank” and assure the relationship can withstand the ups and downs.
When the temperature spikes, separate respect from relationship: “I love you. We can’t speak like this. We’ll talk tomorrow after we sleep.” Consequences should be proportionate, explained, and consistent. And if you get it wrong, it’s okay to apologize and make amends. We, as parents, model how to show humility and work through hard things. Repair matters more than perfection. A clean apology—no excuses, no counter-accusations—teaches accountability better than any lecture.
Grief
Many caregivers who are walking with traumatized kiddos grieve the life they imagined: graduations, smooth launches, easy church mornings. If treatment, withdrawals from school, or legal messes replace those milestones, you are not broken, you are bereaved. As Tabitha Westbrook often says, “All trauma work is grief work.” Give yourself permission to lament without folding into shame. You did the best you could with what you had; your teen still retains agency. And if you didn’t do your best, you repair and work to walk forward. Release the myth of control and embrace the influence you do have: steadiness, respect, truth-telling, prayer, and a safe home culture. Faith can carry you when outcomes won’t obey timelines. Ask for help. Safe community—inside or outside the church—can lift your arms when you are exhausted. You can’t be everything for your kiddo. Your teen also needs other safe adults: coaches, band directors, mentors, counselors. Vet them, then allow them to help shoulder the emotional load.
This is the Long Game
Stay oriented to progress, not perfection. The goal is a little more perspective-taking this week, a little less reactivity, a small increase in honest talk. Dr. Greg Wilson encourages parents to notice values beneath the surface. If your teen rails against hypocrisy or runs toward protests, name the image of God you see: hunger for justice, loyalty to friends, courage to speak. Then link values to house rules: “Justice includes how we treat each other here.” Keep the long game in view. Development is messy; prefrontal cortices ripen late; even adults wish for do-overs. Anchor in practices that settle your nervous system: breath, movement, scripture, a short prayer you can reach for in the chaos. Curiosity, compassion, and consequences can live in the same home. When they do, adolescents learn resilience not as a slogan, but as a felt experience of being seen, bounded, and loved.
If this post resonated with you, you’re not alone. Parenting through trauma takes courage, curiosity, and community—and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. We can help you walk through the parenting journey, reclaim peace and sanity, and weather the storm. Reach out to The Journey and The Process today.
