Are you in the Family Fixer role?

You Might Be in the Family Fixer Role If…

• You have become the “therapist friend” or the “fixer partner.”
• You feel guilty choosing yourself or your own needs if it makes someone else upset.
• You struggle to say “no.”
• You anticipate problems before they happen, sensing tension before anyone else notices.
• You often overbook yourself because you always say “yes” when someone needs you.
• You panic internally when someone is upset with you.
• You often apologize for things that aren’t your fault.
• You’re the reliable one, everyone’s “go-to.”
• You’ve been called “too sensitive.”
• You seem to figure it out when no one else knows what to do.

You were always monitoring the room, anticipating tension before anyone else noticed. You learned to scan for conflict, shifts in tone, or signs that someone was upset. Staying ahead of the chaos felt safer than having to react to it.

You may have been praised for being “mature,” “easy,” or “so responsible.” Adults admired how helpful you were. What they often didn’t realize was that your maturity came from survival, not safety.

Your needs became secondary to everyone else’s. You learned that being helpful kept the peace, earned approval, or prevented conflict. Somewhere along the way, being loved became tangled with being useful.

You were the Fixer.

What is the Family Fixer Role?

The family fixer role is a dynamic in which one family member carries the emotional labor and keeps the family system functioning. The Fixer is often the one jumping in when there’s a problem, solving pain, and stabilizing everyone to maintain the family’s peace.

Where the Golden Child carries the expectation and the Scapegoat carries the blame, the Fixer carries the responsibility of the family.

What it Looks Like to Be in the Family Fixer Role

The person in the family fixer role is often incredibly competent, calm, and nurturing. They are emotionally intelligent and level-headed in a crisis. These are wonderful skills, but they were hard-earned and necessary. The Fixer often steps into this role because someone has to.

The Fixer typically puts themselves aside to become a blank slate, managing everyone else’s emotions. They are usually only praised when they are in this role and criticized or punished when their own emotions or needs get in the way.

Whether the problem is emotional, relational, financial, or logistical, the Fixer steps in to help. Their main goal is to manage the emotions and crises in the family, feeling wholly responsible for the outcome.

What it Feels Like to Be in the Family Fixer Role

The Fixer may feel like they are drowning while making sure everyone else can breathe.

They are the reason airplane attendants remind us to put on our own oxygen mask before helping others. The Fixer has been taught to put everyone else’s needs first, always.

The Fixer’s biggest fears are others’ suffering and being helpless to do anything about it. They feel safest when they are in control or acting as a leader. They are constantly scanning the room, looking for tension and adjusting their behavior to keep the peace. This is constant emotional attunement, and being in a chronic state of emotional monitoring is actually a form of hypervigilance.

How the Family Fixer Role is Formed

Many families where the family fixer role develops have caregivers who are emotionally immature, unavailable, or volatile. This dynamic is common in families where one or more caregivers have unmanaged mental health issues, alcohol dependency, constant conflict between adults, or where showing emotion was proven to be unsafe and unwelcome.

The child learns that if they can manage everyone emotionally, the home feels safer. They learn that anticipating needs prevents chaos. So, they push aside their own feelings, needs, and preferences in order to maintain a false sense of stability.

What it Costs You to Be the Family Fixer

Growing up in the family fixer role, the adult Fixer often struggles to know their own personal needs. They may not know the answers to simple questions like, “What do you want to do?” Instead, they focus on others and what those others may want.

The Fixer confuses being needed for being loved. They learn that love is conditional on managing their partner or making others’ lives as easy as possible.

At work or in friendships, the Fixer becomes everyone’s “go-to” and feels indispensable. They become hyper-responsible. This makes building boundaries and identifying their own needs feel nearly impossible, because the praise they receive further reinforces the need to be needed.

The Fixer may also struggle to receive help, since they only feel loved when they are the one giving it. Saying “No” feels almost impossible. They overextend themselves and take on too much to appease everyone else.

It is not uncommon for the person in the family fixer role to develop deep resentment when they are burnt out from constant monitoring and fixing. This over giving does have an end, and at that end is resentment, passive-aggressive behavior, emotional outbursts, or withdrawal. Their anger is rarely explosive, but instead a seething question: “Why does everything fall on me?” And even then, the Fixer often blames themselves for not being stronger.

What Healing Looks Like for the Family Fixer Role

For Parents of the Fixer

It is never too late to minimize the damage done. Here are a few ways to foster healing in this dynamic:

Create Space for the Fixer. Allow the Fixer to feel whatever they need to feel. Let them explore their own likes and needs. This helps them recapture their autonomy and personhood outside of being needed.

Do the Work. When parents go to therapy or find healthy ways to manage their own emotions, it begins to remove some of the burden from the Fixer. It is not the child’s job to be a parent’s therapist.

Praise Their Wholeness. The Fixer is far more than what they do for others. Allow them to be fully human, with strengths and weaknesses, flaws and graces. Praise them for being whole, not just useful.

For the Fixer: Steps Toward Healing

You are far more than what you can give. You have adapted well and fought hard to help. You deserve to be helped too. You don’t have to carry it all alone.

Boundaries. The Fixer deserves boundaries after a lifetime of having essentially none. Creating space for personal needs and time does not reflect on your worth. “No” is a complete sentence. You are allowed to say it.

Reconnecting with You. Reconnecting with your own needs, wants, and desires is a powerful step toward healing. Asking yourself what you want and how you feel can begin to give your own needs a voice, for perhaps the first time.

Therapy and Community. The Fixer is so used to being everyone’s person. They are the shoulder to cry on, the “I’ll handle it” friend. How the Fixer shows up for their people, they deserve people to show up for them too, with boundaries, with love, and with earnestly gentle care.

You Were Never Meant to Carry it Alone

The caretaker. The enabler. The strong one. The emotional manager. The Fixer. However you have had to show up, however you have felt you had to earn love, it is not all you’re worth.

It may have felt like you had to earn your place. You may be tired, dear friend. You have been carrying so much. You deserve support. You were never meant to carry it alone.

If you read this and felt the “oof” in your chest, whether you’re in the Family Fixer role or a parent recognizing you’ve fostered this dynamic, we have a team of wonderful therapists and coaches here at The Journey and The Process who would love to walk alongside your healing journey. Healing is possible, and it would be an honor to walk with you.

Reach out below for a free, 15-minute consultation today.

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References

[1] Bailey, K. (n.d.). Why you feel responsible for everyone: The burden of the family fixer. Lime Tree Counseling. https://limetreecounseling.com/family-fixer-role-adult-child-of-alcoholic/

[2] Gillis, K. (2023). 8 Common dysfunctional family roles. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202303/8-common-dysfunctional-family-roles

[3] Integrated Care Clinic (2025). The masks we wear: Roles shaped by our childhood homes. https://integratedcareclinic.com/blog/the-masks-we-wear-roles-shaped-by-our-childhood-homes/

[4] Stillwater Therapy (n.d.). Breaking old family roles: You’re not the “fixer” anymore. https://www.stillwater-therapy.com/resources/breaking-old-family-roles-youre-not-the-fixer-anymore

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Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has become an easy target in online trauma spaces, and some of that criticism is earned. CBT is structured talk therapy built around the link between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and it is heavily researched and widely covered by insurance. The problem starts when people treat CBT like a universal solvent for suffering. Trauma is not just a “thinking problem”; it lives in the nervous system, in attachment wounds, and in the body’s survival responses. If therapy ignores felt safety, minimizes real harm, or rushes to “challenge thoughts” while someone is still in danger, CBT can feel cold, overly intellectual, and invalidating. Done well, though, CBT becomes a practical tool inside a larger trauma-informed therapy plan.

What is helpful about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

A core strength of CBT is helping people notice automatic thoughts, especially automatic negative thoughts (often called ANTs). Many trauma survivors can “spiral” at lightning speed, jumping from a stressor to catastrophic outcomes because the brain is trying to predict threats and self-protect. Slowing that process down is powerful: noticing the thought, checking whether it is accurate, and choosing what to do next. CBT also gives language for what is happening in the mind, engaging the prefrontal cortex (our thinky thinky parts) so we can make meaning rather than being carried by alarm signals alone (our feely feely parts). The key nuance is that some negative thoughts are accurate. If you are in an abusive or coercively controlling relationship, fear may be a wise signal, not a cognitive distortion. Therapy must honor reality, increase safety, and support the body, not argue someone out of valid danger.

That is where “third wave CBT” approaches can shine, especially dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). DBT skills such as mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness can give trauma survivors options when their nervous system is overwhelmed. ACT adds room for values, acceptance, and committed action when life is hard and pain is real. Most importantly, these approaches can integrate somatic therapy concepts: what you notice in your body when a belief shows up, where shame lives physically, and how the nervous system shifts during stress. Many clinicians also pair cognitive work with body-based trauma methods like EMDR, brainspotting, internal family systems, and somatic experiencing, which help reprocess traumatic memories and the negative beliefs attached to them.

What is Trauma-informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Trauma-informed CBT takes into account what we know to be true about trauma and doesn’t bypass pain or minimize the harm someone has experienced. A trauma-informed CBT mindset also respects faith without spiritual bypassing. For people who connect mental health and Christian faith, identity beliefs matter deeply, but not in a “take two verses and call me in the morning” way. The whole person – mind, body, and spirit – is tended to in the healing process. As we often say here, we are not just brains on a stick.

If trauma planted the belief “I am worthless,” true healing will involve both cognitive and somatic work: naming the belief, tracking sensations, understanding where it came from, and gradually moving toward a truer, grounded belief about worth, safety, and strength. Practical tools include tracking thoughts, urges, behaviors, emotions, and sensations to find patterns before a harmful coping strategy takes over. When you can see the ditch your mind keeps flowing into, you can start backfilling it with new skills, support, and safer choices over time. Cognitive behavioral therapy is not the whole answer for trauma, but used wisely, it can be a valuable healing tool and a steady, empowering part of whole-person trauma therapy.

Your Next Best Step

We are passionate about providing the best, most comprehensive care to those who are healing. If you want to learn more about the whole-person therapy and coaching we offer or want to connect with one of our amazing therapists or coaches, reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. We’d love to help you heal and be your truest, most whole self.

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What is a Destructive Relationship?

When people think about a destructive relationship they often think of the physical or sexual abuse. Physical and sexual violence are only two types of abusive behaviors that can occur. We prefer the term coercive control – a pattern of behavior that steals the autonomy of the victim and breaks down his/her entire personhood. As our friend Greg Wilson calls it, “abuse is a dangerous reversal of love.”

Coercive control takes many forms, but the root of all of them is power and control. The Power and Control Wheel shown below illustrates many other types of abusive and coercively controlling behaviors that can occur. Not all aspects listed have to be present for it to be considered a coercively controlling relationship. If even one coercively controlling pattern is present – whether physical or sexual violence is present or not – the relationship may be destructive.

Why Separation May be Wise

Here at The Journey and The Process we are pro-marriage therapists. We believe in marriage and we believe marriage can be great. We help couples have great marriages all the time. That said, when coercive control and abusive behaviors are present both parties need to get treatment individually if there is to be any hope for the marriage. The person doing the coercive controlling needs to figure out why they feel the need to control their partner and learn ways to have healthy, connected relationship without abusive tactics. The person being coercively controlled needs to heal from the damage the abusive behaviors has caused and learn new ways of relating and being in healthy relationship.

Marriage separation can facilitate healing for both people in that it can help break relationship patterns. It can be incredibly hard to shift the relational dance in the same house when there is coercive control occurring. Some fear separation means divorce, but that isn’t at all true. A healthy separation where both parties are working on their own stuff can lead to true healing and maybe even reconciliation. Our goal when separation is appropriate is to help our client heal and be able to be reconciled – first and foremost to God. If reconciliation happens with his/her partner that’s an added bonus.

If you think coercive control may be present in your relationship, reach out today to schedule your free, 15-minute consultation and get connected to one of our incredible therapists or coaches.

For men who are struggling with using coercively controlling behaviors, we invite you to join our Men of Peace cohort. You can learn more and apply here for the next cohort.

The post When Marriage Separation May Be Appropriate appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Coercive control is a much better name for domestic abuse, domestic violence, or interpersonal violence because many people still picture abuse as only physical or sexual violence. The reality is that coercive control is a sustained pattern of power and control that slowly erodes another person’s autonomy, agency, and sense of self. It can look “subtle” or even invisible on the outside while feeling suffocating inside the relationship. The core issue is not conflict or a “bad marriage,” but a repeated system where one person’s preferences, needs, and voice get treated as irrelevant. Understanding coercive control helps survivors name what is happening, trust their perceptions again, and begin rebuilding safety, dignity, and emotional clarity.

A key distinction is the difference between a one-off hurtful moment and a repeating pattern. Everyone can speak sharply or act selfishly at times, then feel guilt, repair the harm, and take responsibility. To put it mildly, we can all be jerks now and again. Coercive control, by contrast, repeats and escalates. It often includes grooming behaviors that present as charm, devotion, or protectiveness while narrowing the victim’s choices over time. Many survivors describe a “captivity funnel” effect: the relationship starts wide with freedom and slowly tightens through pressure, dependency, and fear. Common tactics include gaslighting, rewriting reality, minimizing, and convincing the victim that their memory is unreliable, which can create chronic anxiety and constant self doubt.

Coercive control also shows up through spiritual abuse in Christian contexts, when someone weaponizes faith, Scripture, or religious authority to demand compliance. It can sound like “God wants you to submit” or “don’t question the Lord’s anointed,” especially when the controlling person is a pastor, leader, or highly respected figure. This fosters dependency and isolation by implying that safety and belonging require silence. Other coercive control behaviors include monitoring phones, location, and finances; restricting access to food, clothing, healthcare, or work; cutting off friends and support systems; and using emotional punishment like the silent treatment or withdrawal of affection to force behavior. Over time, the victim’s world becomes smaller and the cost of disagreement feels dangerously high.

Consent is another critical area. Sexual coercion can occur without overt force, including persistent badgering, guilt, threats of withdrawal, or spiritualized pressure about “wifely duties.” Assent is not consent; true consent is freely given and enthusiastic without manipulation. When a person cannot control their yes because they are worn down or afraid of consequences, that is not a genuine agreement. Naming these dynamics matters because coercive control thrives on confusion. Survivors often ask, “How did I get here?” The answer is usually incremental escalation paired with tactics that keep the victim off balance.

Coercive control is not only psychologically damaging; it is physically harmful. Chronic stress changes the body through neurochemicals and inflammation, increasing risk for health problems over time. That is why we are adamant that all abuse is physical abuse, even when no one is hit. If you suspect coercive control, don’t panic. Get curious, gather data, and think about safety, because asking questions and setting boundaries can increase risk. Seek support from trained advocates and therapists who understand domestic abuse dynamics. If you fear you may be the controlling person, change is possible but requires ownership, accountability, and individual work rather than couples counseling. The path forward involves radical honesty, repentance, and sustained effort to become a safe person who no longer needs control to feel secure.

Don’t go this alone. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. We are here to help heal – whether you are the controlled or the controller. One of our amazing therapists or coaches is happy to walk with you in healing.

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Romance Fiction Red Flags

Last week we began unpacking the red flags we see in romantic fiction. This week we unpack the final six in our two-part series.

7. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Non-Consensual or Coercive Behavior Portrayed as Desire

In romance fiction, a partner may kiss or touch the love interest without asking. In a passion scene, they may pin the other against the wall and continue their pursuance despite hesitation. The love interest may invade her space, touch her, smell her, or kiss her without consent. These scenes are depicted as passion with the belief that he “couldn’t help himself” or couldn’t “wait” any longer since he was so in love.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is marketed as spontaneity and confidence. In media, the lack of consent is often built into this passionate, confident moment, even if one of them wasn’t ready to admit their feelings. This forced intimacy can bring them to admit their feelings. For those whose stories include blurred consent, it can echo past experiences where boundaries were not respected and violation can be confused with desire.

In Reality

In reality, consent is sexy—coercion is not. Just as a reminder, consent is a full, enthusiastic “yes.” Passion without consent is not romantic, it’s predatory. Mutual desire requires ongoing communication, autonomy, and trust. Checking in with your partner, asking permission, and respecting hesitation are all signs of genuine care and respect, not barriers to romance.

8. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Dependency Framed as Devotion

In these stories, couples become entrenched in each other’s existences. They believe their entire purpose for existing is to love and be with their person. When faced with a reality that does not include their partner, they would choose to rather die than face it. Life becomes meaningless without this person.

As readers, we may fall for this because of the craved desire to belong and be significant for someone else. When we fear abandonment, it can feel so secure to be the reason someone is living. It is intoxicating to be someone’s very reason for existing.

In Reality

In reality, this promotes enmeshment rather than healthy interdependence. Love should expand your world, not shrink it. Healthy devotion allows for both people to have separate identities, passions, friendships, and goals. Two whole people choosing each other creates a stronger foundation than two halves trying to make a whole.

9. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Power Imbalances

In romantic fiction, love can be found in the most unlikely of places—between a boss and employee, teacher and student, or an older individual with a younger person. These taboo matches feel thrilling and forbidden and make their love feel unavoidable and real.

As readers, we may fall for this because power dynamics heighten tension and fantasy. These pairings in real life are fraught with drama and intrigue—often becoming the top storylines for news, documentaries, and other media outlets. For some, being chosen by someone powerful or forbidden feels affirming; as if nothing could get in the way of them choosing you.

In Reality

In reality, power imbalances can enable exploitation or abuse under the guise of “forbidden love.” Having unchecked, unequal power dynamics can make genuine consent impossible. These relationships often involve coercion, fear, or dependency. In sustaining, lasting love, mutual respect, equality, and freely given consent are necessary. The person with more power always has a responsibility to recognize and not exploit that dynamic.

10. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Isolation from Friends and Support Systems

In romance fiction, after the couple falls in love, the love interest becomes the center of the main character’s world. They may stop hanging out with their friends, don’t tell anyone where they’re going, hide arguments, or only confide in each other. This exclusivity is framed as intimacy and a belief that, “No one else could understand.”

As readers, we may fall for this because it taps into the fantasy of being someone’s entire world. Having total devotion in a relationship feels like ultimate, all-consuming love. For trauma survivors, isolation can mimic the “specialness” or enmeshment often experienced in grooming; since this is familiar, it may feel safe. (You can learn more about grooming in our series on it.)

In Reality

In reality, isolation is one of the first warning signs of an abusive, destructive relationship. Healthy love encourages connection and autonomy, not secrecy and co-dependency. If it feels as though you cannot talk to others about your relationship, that’s not privacy—that’s control. A partner who truly loves you will encourage your friendships and celebrate your connections outside the relationship.

11. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Violence During Intimacy

In romance fiction, strangulation, slapping, or the use of dangerous items during sex is portrayed as passionate, edgy, or proof of chemistry and trust. These are often normalized in “dark romance” fictional stories without context or discussion of consent and safety. Sometimes, the aggressor is not a human, as is the case with “romantasy” stories, making boundaries even more blurry.

As readers, we may fall for this because power and surrender can feel thrilling. Adrenaline and arousal often mimic each other and can become enmeshed in our arousal structures. The taboo nature can feel exciting and transgressive.

In Reality

In reality, consensual kinks practiced within a relationship with clear communication, boundaries, and aftercare are one thing (and kink is a broad, broad term), but unexamined violence is another. When physical harm is portrayed as the height of passion—especially without negotiation, aftercare, or enthusiastic consent—it can equate danger with desire. BDSM communities emphasize consent, safety, and care; fiction often skips these crucial elements. Additionally, strangulation is never, ever safe. Often called “sexual choking” it can lead to death and is the biggest indicator that domestic abuse will become lethal. And, it should be noted, here at The Journey and The Process, we encourage clients to be curious when violence shows up in their arousal templates; oftentimes, it stems from past sexual harm. For more information, you can check out Tabitha Westbrook’s book Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control.

12. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Female Submissiveness as Virtue

In these stories, the woman is constantly deferring to her partner—emotionally, sexually, or practically—and it is described as feminine or godly devotion. She may defer to her partner because he has more experience, is of higher rank, or because she wholly trusts him. Her lack of agency or voice is portrayed as proof of her goodness or femininity.

As readers, we may fall for this because cultural or religious narratives often equate submission with love or worthiness. Being “chosen” by a strong, dominant man can feel validating and loving. Having someone take control and control the narrative can feel safe, especially for those who grew up with the burden of too much responsibility.

In Reality

In reality, true partnership and intimacy allow both people to be strong, curious, and autonomous. Submission without choice isn’t loving—it’s coercive. It’s also not submission – it’s subjugation. In these dynamics, the highlight should not be focused on how the woman submits, but whether the man is worthy of her trust and whether her submission is a free choice made from a place of power, not powerlessness. Healthy relationships evidence mutuality.

Reading Responsibly

Fiction and romance provide an escape where other worlds can be real and love can be unconditional. While many of these tropes and themes are common in fictional romance, it is important to explore the impact they can have on us as readers and what the romance fiction red flags are. Here are some ways to engage with romantic fiction more mindfully:

• Stay curious, not judgmental. If a trope or theme attracts you, ask why. Does it mirror something from your past or a wound you’re still healing from? There’s no shame in what resonates with us—curiosity helps us understand ourselves better. Many people never get curious about their arousal templates (the constellation of things that bring sexual arousal), but being curious is the pathway to beginning to understand and healing sexual harm and brokenness.
• Differentiate fantasy from desire. You can enjoy a story without wanting that dynamic in your real life. Fiction can be just that—fiction. Enjoying something on the page doesn’t mean you want or deserve it in reality. But if you are becoming habituated – used to – the fantasy and find it starting to show up in your inner world, you may want to determine whether a given book or series is for you.
• Notice your body’s response. Does a scene make you tense, anxious, or activated? That might be a cue from your nervous system. Stay curious about what these responses are telling you.
• Seek representations of healthy love. If this post resonated with you, consider exploring stories where communication, consent, and safety are just as compelling as chaos. These stories exist and can help reshape our understanding of what love can look like. In fact, there are whole series of books that depict healthy relationships and are not smarmy or dumb.
• Reflect, don’t shame. These tropes are popular because they touch deep human longings—belonging, passion, redemption, being chosen. Awareness lets us reclaim these needs and meet them in healthier ways, both in fiction and in life.

We hope this two-part series on romance fiction red flags has helped you become more curious about what you are reading. If you want to explore some of these themes and how your body responds to them or you’re curious about what exactly has gotten woven into your arousal template, we at the Journey and the Process would be happy to walk alongside you. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are here to help you thrive.

The Journey and The Process – Counseling & Coaching that helps you thrive!

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