You Might Be Experiencing the Golden Child Syndrome If…

• You feel anxious when you’re not being productive
• You struggle to know what you actually want
• You seek acceptance, but praise often feels uncomfortable
• You fear disappointing people more than anything
• You put everyone else’s needs above your own
• You’ve been called “mature for your age” your entire life

You were the easy one, the pleasure to have in class, the one your parents didn’t have to worry about. You knew how to be good. You had everything together. You made it look so easy. No one saw what it cost you to stay that way.

You were the Golden Child.

In a family system, each person often falls into a role – spoken or unspoken. It’s the way the system seems to function, with each member fulfilling a duty. This 14-part series explores common family roles found in dysfunctional family systems and how they shape the way we show up in relationships, work, and identity. We’re starting with the one that often gets praised the most…and questioned the least. Golden child syndrome.

The Golden Child is the favored child who often receives special treatment, high praise, and meets high standards. The Golden Child is often the one who can do no wrong – or more accurately, the one who is not allowed to.

Let’s also quickly explain what we mean here by syndrome. A syndrome is a group of behaviors or traits that tend to occur together. A syndrome describes what is happening, but unlike a disorder, it doesn’t always have a single, clearly understood root cause. As you’ll see, the Golden Child Syndrome is formed through a varied family system dynamic that has many layers that include the role he/she is placed in and learns and his/her own way of being that is part of the innate self.

What it Looks Like:

From the outside, The Golden Child may look privileged and highly regarded in their family. They may receive constant praise for their achievements, earned or not. But this praise comes with strings attached.

The Golden Child is often held to unrealistic expectations and face consequences when they are not met. Consequences in this role do not often look like punishment in the traditional sense but instead may come in the form of the withholding of love and acceptance. The Golden Child learns quickly: if they are not “perfect,” they are not worthy of love.

What it Feels Like to Be the Golden Child

Being the Golden Child can be incredibly lonely. They are often ostracized from their siblings; the pedestal they’re placed on keeps them out of reach. The siblings of the Golden Child often develop resentment and jealousy. The Golden Child may cope with this elevated status by developing entitlement-oriented and superiority-driven traits that live up to this “perfect” image they seek to obtain. From the outside, their suffering can look like privilege. What it really is, though, is a coping mechanism to receive love and care.

The Golden Child often develops intense people-pleasing tendencies, carrying the belief that others’ needs must come before their own. Many Golden Children struggle to identify what their own needs could be, their identity slowly shaping itself around expectations and external praise.

Perfectionism and the fear of failure become the armor the Golden Child learns to wear. When someone is taught that their worth is directly derived from their ability to be “perfect,” failure becomes a terrifying option.

How the Golden Child is Formed (Golden Child Syndrome)

Favoritism plays a lead role in the formation of golden child syndrome. One child is often selected as the idol in the sibling line-up, assigned to take on the expectations and dreams of the family system.

The Golden Child’s existence may revolve around the parents’ attempt to live vicariously through them. Rather than being a separate being with their own strengths, weaknesses, hopes, and dreams, the Golden Child becomes an extension of the parent or caregiver. This version of themselves the parents see through their Golden Child is an idealized version. When the Golden Child does not live up to this dream and ambition, they are often harshly criticized.

This criticism often comes wrapped in the package of coercion. The family system makes it unsafe for the Golden Child to be anything aside from “perfect.” The child may not feel safe voicing their opinions or feelings.

Conditional love becomes the foundation of the Golden Child’s world. Their identity, motivations, and role become defined by the approval and acceptance of their family system. Yet, the system has taught them that the only way they can gain this approval and acceptance is through performance. This codependent and symbiotic relationship between parents and the Golden Child fuels the system and ensures the Golden Child continues seeking approval and strives to accomplish the family’s goals. The Golden Child learns that if they stop performing properly or agreeing wholly, the love vanishes. Their nervous systems become wired for relentless achievement and hypervigilance in seeking acceptance or rejection.

What it Costs You to Be the Golden Child

Bessel van der Kolk, MD, a psychiatrist and trauma researcher, found that childhoods fraught with conditional approval produces hyperactive threat-detection systems in the nervous system that endure into adulthood. Conditional love breeds hypervigilance in Golden Children – one of the most enduring effects of golden child syndrome. These Golden Children often grow into adults who are trained to monitor and respond to others’ emotional states in order to maintain their own safety. Existing in a constant state of fearing rejection can quickly escalate to emotional burnout, chronic stress, and other states of havoc in the Golden Child’s nervous system. The Golden Child’s body may stay on high alert, even in moments that are supposed to feel safe.

Growing up in a home where their parents offered love in return for accomplishment, the Golden Child often seeks external validation. They may struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and autonomy outside of their parents’ expectations and validation. As adults, this can morph into a desire to hear external validation from other authority figures, such as a boss, or from their romantic partners.

The Golden Child from childhood to adulthood may struggle with criticism. In their role, failure or perceived weakness was enough to challenge their worth as a human. If they were to not meet expectations, they were no longer worthy of being loved. When someone criticizes them, even constructively, it can feel like a personal attack. Many Golden Children do not tolerate this type of feedback.

In turn, the Golden Child as an adult may also struggle to accept positive feedback as well. Growing up in a home where their identity was crafted by praise, receiving compliments may feel dangerous and trigger their same anxiety from childhood.

The Golden Child’s self-image is one of the most devastating casualties of golden child syndrome. Unable to form an identity outside of their family’s acceptance and praise, the Golden Child may view themselves constantly as “not good enough” when “perfect” is out of reach. This inadequacy haunts the Golden Child throughout their life, in their relationships, career aspirations, and achievements unless they begin to examine their way of being. They may find it difficult to trust their own judgment, leading to difficulties becoming independent and making decisions. In their roles as adults, they may develop imposter syndrome, not believing they are capable or worthy of their positions because they are never quite “good enough.”

Dan Siegel, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry, found that children raised with performance-based, conditional love are significantly more likely to show symptoms of anxiety and lower inherent motivation in adulthood compared to the children in homes with unconditional positive regard. We worked with a teen client whose parents were exacting in their expectations and she, needing their love and support, worked hard to meet them. The result was burnout and suicidality at the tender age of just sixteen.

The Golden Children as Golden Adults become anxious and struggle to find motivation away from their parents’ approval. Rest can begin to feel unsafe, even if earned. Slowing down can feel like losing your worth. It often leads the Golden Child to constantly over-book or overload themselves in an attempt to avoid that feeling.

Relationships with family are often casualties to being anointed the Golden Child. Sibling dynamics are often fraught with jealousy and resentment from the other siblings and guilt from the Golden Child. They often carry guilt–knowing, even if they couldn’t fully name it, that the way they were treated wasn’t the same as everyone else. The Golden Child may develop resentment toward their parents, creating a complicated source of inadequacy, lost worth, and lack of identity.

What Healing Looks Like:

Parents

Parents of Golden Children, it isn’t too late to mend this imbalance. There are a number of ways to create healing in the family dynamic when you realize you’ve inadvertently created Golden Child syndrome for one of your children:

1. Setting Healthy Boundaries

Creating boundaries in the family that ensures attention is balanced between siblings is a strong way to amend the damage created by the Golden Child role. With our young client, the parents were able to see as we worked together how their expectations were formed by their own struggles and fears and were able to balance the family dynamic.

1. Encourage Identity Independent of Praise

Parental praise cannot be the end-all-be-all of the child’s worth. Encouraging the children to explore their own experiences and feelings about them can help remediate this damage. Rather than praising the child’s accomplishments, parents can honor the traits the child exhibited (e.g., courage, strength, wisdom, kindness, honesty, empathy, curiosity, etc.). For our client and her family, her parents actively praised things other than her accomplishments. They also praised her accomplishments, which is appropriate and needed, but it was no longer the sum total of the praise they gave.

Outside of praise, creating a space where children can explore their own identity, interests, and beliefs can be a wonderful way to help bring healing to the Golden Child. Encourage the children to make decisions based on their values rather than on the influence of the parents. For our client family, this meant looking carefully over the extracurricular activities for the teen. Some serious cuts were made in her schedule and she was able to lean more fully into her interests and activities, not just what her parents thought would get her into the best college.

1. Therapy

Surprise, surprise that the therapist is recommending therapy as a remedy for this dynamic. I hear you. Let me explain. Therapy for both the parents and the children can be a wonderful way to create a safe space for everyone to examine what was going on for this dynamic to be present. Whether it’s individual or family therapy, it can bring in an empathetic third-party who is rooting for all of you, willing to get in the trenches with you to explore this and bring healing. It’s not easy work, but you don’t have to do it alone. Our client family did excellent work both individually and as a family. We saw much of the anxiety our teen client was experiencing melt away as the pressure was lifted.

The Golden Child

Healing is very possible. You are so deserving of it. Healing often begins when you realize your worth was never meant to be earned. You might start to wonder who you actually are outside of who you were expected to be.

1. Gather Your Tribe

It is not all on the Golden Child to heal. Healing is done in community and in practice. Through self-reflection, open-communication, and emotional support, healing is available. And, yes, therapy is incredibly helpful for those who are on this healing journey. Having a therapist on your side can help facilitate this growth and healing.

1. Boundaries

Just as the parents need boundaries when raising their children, it is important for Golden Children to establish boundaries when healing. The Golden Child is encouraged to set boundaries based on their own values and beliefs, to recognize their own needs and limitations. Our teen client was able to express the activities she liked and did not like. At first it was super scary for her since she’d never given her own opinion to her parents. She was able to learn to speak up and respectfully state what she enjoyed and what was too much in her schedule.

1. Reclaim Independence

In healing, adult Golden Children are encouraged to explore their own interests, apart from the expectations put on them as children. Relocation can potentially be an option, if needing physical space away from their family. The healing Golden Child is encouraged to find themselves, through play, through choice, through vulnerability.

Conclusion

The easy one. The pleasure to have in class. The hero. The saint. The Golden Child.

So much was expected of you–and even more was taken from you. Oftentimes parents don’t mean this with malice, but it doesn’t make Golden Child syndrome any easier. Healing is possible. I know it feels like you have to do it perfectly, that you have to do it right. It takes learning and practice to let go of those standards set for you so long ago. You don’t have to do it alone. Healing is messy, but it is worth it. You are worth it.

If any of this is resonating with you and you’re ready to finally rest and heal, we’d love to help you. Reach out today for a free, 15-minute consultation with one of our amazing therapists or coaches.

References

[1] Bay Area CBT Center (2024). Exploring the golden child syndrome: Navigating the complexities with trauma therapy. Bay Area CBT Center. https://bayareacbtcenter.com/golden-child/

[2] DeWitt, H. (2024). Golden child syndrome: How does it develop, and what effect does it have? Thriveworks. Clinically reviewed by Christine Ridley, LCSW. https://thriveworks.com/help-with/children-teens-adolescents/golden-child-syndrome/

[3] Embark Behavioral Health (2025). Dysfunctional family roles: Identifying and addressing them. Embark Behavioral Health. https://www.embarkbh.com/treatment/therapies/family-therapy/dysfunctional-family-roles/

[4] Martino, M. (2025). Understanding golden child syndrome: Symptoms, impacts, and strategies for healing. Handspring. Medically reviewed by Amy Kranzler, PhD. https://www.handspringhealth.com/post/understanding-golden-child-syndrome

[5] Wright, A. (2026). The golden child: The burden of being the ‘easy’ one. Annie Wright. https://anniewright.com/golden-child-high-achieving-women/

The post Golden Child Syndrome – What it is and how to heal appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

The hidden habits that keep us stuck — and the mindful shift that moves us forward.

We spend a lot of energy trying to win stuff like arguments and situations. We often have an inner monologue running constantly in our heads. But winning and being effective are not the same thing. In fact, the drive to be right is one of the biggest obstacles standing between us and the peaceful, purposeful life God promises, and also can really mess up relationships.

This week we dig into the seventh principle of mindful connection: effectiveness. This isn’t about productivity hacks or life optimization. It’s about something far more personal — learning to do what actually works, in a way that moves you toward your goals, your relationships, and ultimately, toward God.

Over years of working with clients — and doing my own inner work — I’ve seen the same pain points come up again and again when it comes to living effectively. Let’s walk through them together.

The Pain Points Standing in Our Way

These are the most common struggles that come up when we talk about effectiveness. Thankfully every single one has a way through.

“As Brené Brown said, ‘Clear is kind.’ If we are responding to what we think we should be, or what the situation should be, then we’re missing out on information and connection opportunity.” — Tabitha Westbrook

What Effectiveness Actually Looks Like

Being effective is not about being perfect. It’s not about getting everything right the first time. It’s about purposeful movement — doing what works, in this moment, toward the goal in front of you.

That requires a few things: knowing what your goal is, responding to what’s actually happening (not what you think should be happening), and being willing to adapt how you pursue that goal when something isn’t working.

Psalm 139 is an invitation to honest self-examination — not condemnation, but rather it’s about getting clarity. Asking God to search our hearts, including for willfulness, is one of the most effective things we can do. We can’t change what we don’t know and we all have things we need to adjust from time to time. It positions us to respond to reality rather than our own story about reality. I was super heartened by a leader I respect a great deal sharing a story where he’d recently made a mistake and had to make repair and figure it out. I myself had to evaluate the way I respond in stressful situations when I realized my response in a particular situation showed me an area I was not as effective as I’d have preferred. None of these situations are meant to slam us into the pavement and tell us we’re horrible. This isn’t about shame when we ask God to show us stuff. What they do is help us grow and refine and see those areas where we can grow in our ability to be effective. Think about it this way, a loving parent looks at us and goes, “Hey, that’s probably not gonna take you where you want to go. Would you like to try something different? I can help you out.”

A Few Ways to Practice This Week

Effectiveness is a skill, which means it takes practice. Here are some ways to build it intentionally:

• Notice the “right vs. effective” moment. When you feel the pull to win an argument or dig in your heels, pause. Ask: what am I actually trying to accomplish here? Does being right get me there?
• Set a SMART goal. Pick one area of your life — a habit, a relationship pattern, a practice — and make it Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-bound. Ask: what could get in the way, and how will I address that proactively?
• Try “willing hands.” Sit comfortably and place your palms face-up in your lap. Notice what shifts in your body and your mind when you physically open your hands. It’s a small gesture with a surprisingly powerful effect.
• Check your TUBES. Before reacting to a situation, scan your Thoughts, Urges, Behaviors, Emotions, and Sensations. This brief check-in can create just enough space to choose effectiveness over reactivity.
• Ask for help. Identify one area where you’ve been trying to go it alone. Reach out — to a friend, a coach, your therapist, or God in prayer. We need each other.

A Word on Grace

As with everything, we hold effectiveness alongside grace. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). That means this work — noticing our willfulness, seeing our own blind spots, and, when needed, adjusting our approach — is not about shame. It’s about real freedom and growth.

The goal was never perfection. It’s mindful connection — with ourselves, with others, and with God. And effectiveness, practiced with compassion and intention, is one of the most powerful pathways to that connection.

The post How to Be Effective appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

The phrase spiritual abuse is being used more often, which is helpful and also can be complicated.

It’s helpful, because many people have been harmed in the name of God and finally have language for their experience. Putting language to trauma helps us reengage our prefrontal cortex (the front thinky thinky part of our brain) where our language center is. This helps us process our experiences and make meaning of them. 

It’s complicated because the term is sometimes used so broadly that it loses meaning, or so narrowly that real harm gets dismissed. If everything is spiritual abuse or religious trauma, then nothing is.

If you’ve ever wondered “Was that spiritual abuse, or was I just hurt?” you’re not alone. Let’s dive in and name what spiritual abuse is and is not.

What Spiritual Abuse Is

At its core, spiritual abuse is the misuse of spiritual authority, language, or practices to control, coerce, silence, or dominate another person. I often define it as “taking someone’s good and right devotion to God and using it as a weapon against them.”

It is not about disagreement or imperfection. It is about power and control.

Spiritual abuse often includes:

1. Using God or Scripture to Control Behavior

• “God told me you must…”
• “A faithful Christian wouldn’t question this.”
• “If you leave, you’re disobeying God.”
• “Thus saith the Lord…”
• “Don’t speak against the Lord’s anointed.”

Scripture becomes a tool of pressure and imprisonment rather than a source of wisdom, freedom, or discernment.

2. Equating Obedience to Leaders with Obedience to God

When spiritual leaders present themselves as:

• God’s sole mouthpiece—”I speak for God.”
• Above accountability
• Immune from correction—often elder boards, if they exist, are stacked with “yes” men and women who do not challenge the leader

Questioning leadership is framed as rebellion, pride, or lack of faith.

3. Silencing Questions, Doubt, or Discernment

Spiritual abuse thrives where:

• Curiosity is punished
• Doubt is shamed
• Emotional or spiritual pain is minimized or completely ignored

Phrases like “Just pray more,” “Forgive and move on,” or “Don’t let the enemy get a foothold” are often used to shut down honest processing or questions. 

4. Using Fear to Maintain Control

This can include, but is not limited to, fear about:

• Losing salvation
• Being cursed (or accursed)
• Being ostracized or excommunicated
• Disappointing God 

Fear replaces love as the primary motivator. God is cast as the punitive judge in the sky ready to punish you for any misstep.

5. Spiritualizing Harm or Suffering

Examples include:

• Encouraging someone to stay in an abusive relationship “for God’s glory”
• Framing endurance of harm as holiness
• Calling boundary-setting selfish or unbiblical
• Calling questions about process or guidance as “gossip”

Pain is reframed as virtue rather than something worthy of care and protection. The victim is often cast as the problem or as someone who is “divisive.”

What Spiritual Abuse is Not

It’s equally important to name what does not automatically qualify as spiritual abuse.

1. Disagreement

Disagreeing with a belief, teaching, or theological position, even strongly, does not mean abuse occurred.

Healthy faith communities allow for:

• Difference
• Conversation
• Growth over time

Conversation, even passionate ones, are held with respect and care. People are willing to treat each other as image bearers of the Living God even when they don’t agree with each other.

2. Imperfect Leaders or Congregants

Leaders are human. Congregants are human. We all make mistakes, communicate poorly, or need growth at times. Those things do not equal abuse. True leaders own their mistakes and are appropriately transparent about them. You can talk through issues with other congregants or express hurt feelings and work through issues in healthy systems. 

Spiritual abuse, like other abuse, is evidenced by power and control, not occasional missteps followed by accountability. 

3. Conviction or Discomfort

Feeling challenged by a sermon, scripture, or spiritual practice can be uncomfortable, but discomfort alone is not abuse.

The key difference: Conviction invites reflection while abuse demands compliance

4. Healthy Authority or Structure

All communities have structure. Leadership itself is not abusive. In fact, power can be exercised appropriately. 

Healthy authority:

• Invites consent
• Welcomes accountability
• Honors personal agency
• Makes changes when something isn’t working well

Why Abuse Can be Hard to Name

Many people harmed spiritually hesitate to name it because:

• “Others had it worse”
• “They meant well”
• “It wasn’t all bad”

Many people don’t want to say anything if they aren’t 100% sure they were harmed. We often try to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially people we care about and respect. This is normal and not at all bad. In fact, we should start out with curiosity! But when it was truly harmful, we can get to the point we name it clearly.

Spiritual abuse can coexist with good memories, what felt like (and may have been) genuine care, and real community. That makes it incredibly tricky at points. In a situation I was in, I remember feeling genuinely cared for by one particular church member who told me he could see eternity in me. At the time, the leader of this organization was beating me down. That small compliment was a drop of cool water in a desert. It was totally fine for me to see that as good, even in a bad situation. 

Naming harm doesn’t mean we have to erase what was meaningful.

Why Naming Spiritual Abuse Matters

Spiritual abuse impacts:

• Identity—specifically our understanding of our identity in Christ and also our identity as a human being
• Nervous system regulation
• Attachment to God and to others

When harm goes unnamed, people often internalize the damage as personal failure rather than relational violation.

Naming it:

• Brings our prefrontal cortex online so we can work to integrate healing
• Restores agency
• Reduces shame

A Closing Invitation

Healing does not require certainty, only honesty and gentleness toward yourself.

You are allowed (and we’d encourage you) to ask:

• What felt life-giving?
• What felt coercive or unsafe?
• What do I need now to feel grounded and whole?

Journaling these could be very helpful in picking up the pieces. 

An Invitation for Clarity

If this post stirred questions, or helped you name things you’ve struggled to put words to, you don’t have to figure it out all at once. We invite you to take a curious perspective and ask more questions.

We created a short, reflective quiz called “Is My Church Safe or a High-Control Space?” to help you gently assess dynamics around power, safety, consent, and spiritual authority to help you gain insight.

Next Steps

If you need support to heal from spiritual abuse or religious trauma, we’d love to help you. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. Our expert therapists and coaches would love to walk with you on your healing journey.

The post What Spiritual Abuse Is (and What it Isn’t) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Grooming in Adulthood

When we think about grooming, we often picture child victims and adult perpetrators. But grooming isn’t limited to children; it’s also a key factor in the abuse many adults experience.

It can sometimes be difficult to separate genuine kindness from coercive tactics, just like it is with childhood grooming. That’s why this post will explore how grooming can show up in romantic relationships, friendships, and the workplace.

What is Grooming?

Grooming behaviors often mimic the natural kindness found in healthy friendships and relationships, but with a sinister twist. The kindness is a false kindness with strings attached. Perpetrators use false kindness to move closer to their victims, often placing themselves in roles that feel essential in the victim’s life. That closeness is then what grants them ongoing access.

The more trusted or central the perpetrator becomes, the harder it can be for a victim to disclose what’s happening – whether to friends, family, or authorities. In fact, only 4–8% of adults who experience sexual grooming ever report it due to shame, guilt, and fear. Survivors may feel embarrassed that they “fell for it,” or fear that speaking up will harm their reputation, community, or relationships. We know from understanding coercive control dynamics that perpetrators often look good from the outside making it tough for the community to see what is truly happening.

Consent

Before looking at how grooming plays out in different relationships, we need to clarify what consent is and what it isn’t.

Consent is an agreement between adults where everyone involved is free to say “no” or withdraw consent at any time. Consent can be verbal or nonverbal, but it cannot be present when someone is:

• under the influence of substances,
• pressured by power dynamics, or
• coerced or intimidated.

A lack of the word “no” does not equal consent. Many survivors are unable to say “no” in the moment. Instead, they may try safer statements like “I need to go home” or “I have to leave.” Others may freeze or fawn, unable to speak at all.

As Tabitha Westbrook, LMFT, LCMHC, LPC, said on her Hey Tabi! podcast:

“If it is not a yes—a full, enthusiastic yes—then it was a NO. There is no in between.”

A Model of Grooming in Adulthood

While grooming can look different in every situation, researcher Grant Sinnamon identified a seven-stage model often used by perpetrators [1]:

1. Vulnerability

They identify victims who appear emotionally, socially, or otherwise vulnerable. Many position themselves as trustworthy or respectable, which can be especially effective if the groomer is in a helping profession (e.g., pastor, therapist).

2. Information Gathering

They study the victim’s needs and weaknesses, building trust by seeming helpful. And some things offered may be legitimately helpfu, but they come with strings attached.

3. Isolation

They gradually distance the victim from their support system, creating false intimacy and dependency

4. Exploiting Needs

They meet key emotional, financial, physical, or spiritual needs, deepening reliance. If the perpetrator can get past this stage, they have successfully manipulated their victim.

5. Emotional Dependency

They desensitize the victim to boundary violations and chip away at confidence. It’s often slow and subtle. Pushing here and there to see what will be tolerated. As more is tolerated, more boundaries are pushed.

6. Sexual Contact (in sexual grooming)

In romantic or routine contexts, they coerce sexual activity while framing it as consensual. They also minimize boundary-violating contact as “accidental.” For example, a boss might brush the bottom of an employee and brush it off as “accidental.”

7. Control

They maintain power through secrecy, shame, threats, and blackmail, convincing victims that disclosure would ruin them. They also may use overt threats of physical harm to maintain control. Often, they will use emotional manipulation to ensure the victim believes it’s his/her fault.

Romantic Grooming

Romantic grooming often combines emotional and sexual exploitation, leaving survivors with long-lasting social, emotional, and physical impacts.

Adult sexual grooming refers to situations where an adult is manipulated into sexual contact through emotional or psychological tactics [1]. These tactics can include pressure, guilt, badgering, blackmail, and the use of drugs or alcohol.

According to the CDC (2024), more than 1 in 2 women and 1 in 3 men experience sexual violence, including unwanted physical contact, in their lifetime. If you’re stunned by that statistic, you should be. It truly is that prevalent.

Love Bombing

Love bombing is one of the most common, and dangerous, romantic grooming tactics. It involves overwhelming a person with attention, gifts, and grand gestures [2]. For someone who feels unseen or lonely, this intensity can be intoxicating.

Love bombing triggers dopamine, the same brain chemical involved in sex, sugar, and addictive drugs [6]. Victims often become hooked on the “high,” chasing it even as the abuser begins withdrawing affection or layering in abuse [2]. And, worse yet, the perpetrator is using what we all legitimately need – care – to lure in their victims. Of course we would get a “high” from being loved! We are wired that way!

In healthy relationships, connection grows gradually through mutual trust. With love bombing, things feel fast, intense, and “too good to be true.” [6].

Common signs of love bombing include:

• Soulmate language: “You’re the one.” “We’re destined to be together.” “God told me you were my future spouse.”
• Future talk as fact: “When we get married…” “When we go to Europe…”
• Exaggerated compliments: Placing the victim on a pedestal only they control.
• Over-the-top gifts: From expensive jewelry to smaller gestures that create a sense of obligation. This often happens far too early in the relationship. We have worked with clients who were whisked away to fancy destinations within a week of meeting a person.
• Communication overload: Constant calls, texts, and demands for attention. The perpetrator wants to be the victim’s entire world.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting, a term now widely used, means making someone doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity. In grooming, perpetrators may act hostile when confronted, leaving victims feeling responsible for the relationship’s problems [2]. Gaslighting is different than disagreement. In disagreement people can hold two different perspectives and neither person is made to feel as if they are crazy or un-human or stupid for holding an opposing viewpoint.

Grooming the Support System

This is one the most important facts about grooming in adulthood. Perpetrators don’t just groom the victim – they often groom the victim’s entire community. By appearing generous, charming, or trustworthy, they make disclosure harder because people see the perpetrator as wonderful or a pillar of the community. Survivors may fear no one will believe them or that others will side with the perpetrator.

Grooming Romanticized in Culture

Culture plays a powerful role in how grooming behaviors are normalized and even celebrated.

The term rape culture describes an environment where sexually aggressive or predatory behavior is minimized, excused, or framed as acceptable. This culture makes space for grooming to flourish by:

• Victim-blaming – Suggesting survivors are responsible for the abuse because of their clothing, intoxication, or behavior.
• Disregard for boundaries – Framing harassment or coercion as romantic persistence: “He just couldn’t give up on her.”
• Trivializing sexual assault – Dismissing violence with phrases like “boys will be boys” or treating survivors’ reports as “he said, she said.”
  

These messages are reinforced in popular culture. In books, movies, and TV, storylines often portray coercive behaviors as romantic:

• A persistent admirer ignores “no” until the reluctant love interest “finally gives in.”
• Controlling or possessive partners are framed as protective.
• Intense, boundary-crossing behavior is celebrated as proof of passion.
  

In one study of 50 mainstream movies, 77% of sexual interactions relied on nonverbal cues rather than explicit consent [1]. This blurs the cultural understanding of consent and leaves room for coercion to be misread as intimacy.

When media glamorizes coercion, younger audiences especially may grow up believing that healthy, respectful relationships are boring, while unsafe or boundary-violating ones are “romantic.” This cultural backdrop makes grooming harder to spot and harder to name because it has already been normalized for us. Pornography adds to this paradigm significantly because it often depicts both violence and lack of consent as being “normal” parts of physical intimacy. There is ample data to demonstrate that regular pornography use rewires the brain in harmful ways.

Friendship Grooming in Adulthood

Friendships are powerful, but they’re often less discussed compared to discussion around romantic relationships. Cultural messages like “ride-or-die” loyalty or “found family” can make it hard to notice when dependency tips into something unhealthy. To be clear, loyal friends and chosen family can be incredibly healthy and life giving. We want to help you know the difference between healthy connection and grooming in adulthood.

Just like in romantic relationships, grooming in friendships can start with love bombing – intense loyalty, flattery, or secret-sharing that creates a false sense of closeness. While it may feel encouraging at first, it can quickly move into dependency and control.

How it Can Look

• Isolation – The friend discourages other relationships, takes up most of your time, or subtly discredits others with comments like, “I just don’t think they get you like I do.” Gossip is common: they may badmouth people in your life to you, leaving you wondering if they gossip about you as well. This creates an “us vs. them” bond.
• Gaslighting & Coercion – Boundaries are slowly eroded – financially (“I thought you’d cover this for me”), emotionally (“I need you to pick up, even at 2 AM”), or socially (selective inclusion/exclusion to make you feel responsible or unsafe). If you confront them, you may be told you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy.”
  
• Manipulative minimization – When confronted, they may flip the script with self-deprecating lines like, “I’m the worst friend,” or “I never do anything right.” This tactic pulls the focus away from your concern and forces you into caretaking them instead.
• Financial pressure – Expecting large gifts, pressuring you to pay, or guilting you into covering expenses.
• Boundary violations – Disrespecting your time, expecting constant availability, or tracking your location under the guise of concern.
• Threats & blackmail – Using the possibility of ending the friendship or exposing secrets to maintain control.

Why It Matters

Healthy friendships are built on trust, respect, and freedom. Destructive ones thrive on secrecy, dependency, and guilt. Over time, coercive friendships erode self-esteem, foster confusion, and damage self-worth. Recognizing these signs allows you to name what’s happening and take back your boundaries.

Workplace Grooming in Adulthood

Workplace grooming can be uniquely destructive because of the built-in power imbalance and the reality of financial dependence. Many people minimize or ignore these patterns in order to maintain job security, making them especially difficult to confront. You’ll notice the tactics are the same as other areas of grooming in adulthood – but the context in which they are used is different.

Common Tactics

• Boundary Crossing – Favoritism or “special treatment” is framed as mentorship or career advancement, but in reality it blurs professional lines. Over time, this can normalize inappropriate demands on time, labor, or loyalty.
• Exploitation of Loyalty – Some workplaces highlight their “family culture” to pressure employees into rule-bending, unpaid overtime, or sacrificing personal boundaries. Refusing can lead to being labeled disloyal or uncommitted.
• Sexual Grooming – Perpetrators may start by testing boundaries with jokes or comments that seem questionable but “harmless.” This can escalate into private meetings, inappropriate touch, or coercion into a sexual relationship.

Why It’s Hard to Report

Silencing mechanisms in the workplace can be especially powerful due to:

• Fear of retaliation or career loss
• Damage to reputation in the industry
• Shame, self-blame, or minimization (“maybe I misunderstood”)

When victims weigh these risks, many choose silence, allowing the abuse to continue unchecked.

Telling the Difference

There is genuine kindness in this world and in relationships. This chart can help you understand which is which.

How to Spot Grooming in Adulthood

1. Trust your gut. If the relationship always feels intense, or you feel uneasy, listen to that inner warning. Writing down behaviors can help separate fact from emotion.
2. Stay connected. Grooming often relies on isolation. If a relationship is pulling you away from friends, family, or yourself, take note.
3. Notice their reaction when you push back. If setting boundaries leads to hostility, blame-shifting, or guilt-tripping, that’s a red flag. And as we often say here, “Those red flags don’t mean it’s a carnival!”

Remember: grooming thrives in confusion. The more you recognize the signs, the harder it is for someone to manipulate your boundaries or autonomy.

Final Note about Grooming in Adulthood

At The Journey and The Process, we specialize in supporting survivors of complex trauma, including those who have experienced grooming in adulthood and abuse of all kinds. Our whole-person, evidence-based therapy helps survivors heal and feel safe in their bodies, relationships, and faith again.

We are experts in EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems. We also offer trauma-informed biblical counseling that goes beyond “take two verses and call me in the morning.”

You are not alone. We are here for you. Don’t let one more day pass by without getting the help you need. Reach out for a free, 15-minute consultation and let us help you walk the healing path.

References

[1] Atletky, C., Sharma, B., Carbajal, J., & Eubank, T. (2025). Adult sexual grooming: A systemic review. Journal of Social Work in the Global Community, 9(1-17). https://doi.10.5590/jswgc.2025.09.1058

[2] DVSN (2024). The manipulative “romance” of grooming & love bombing. Domestic Violence Services Network, Inc. https://www.dvsn.org/february-2024-the-manipulative-romance-of-grooming-love-bombing/

[3] Morrison, W. (2019). Abusive friendships are real. Here’s how to recognize you’re in one. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-recognize-abusive-friendships#1

[4] Payne, S. (2022). 16 signs you’re in an abusive friendship & how to respond. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/abusive-friendship/

[5] Wolfe & Mote Law Group, LLC. (2022). Is it sexual assault if they didn’t say “No?” Wolfe Law Group. https://www.wvwlegal.com/blog/is-it-sexual-assault-if-they-didnt-say-no/

[6] Woodward, C. (2022). Love bombing–The ultimate grooming technique. National Center for Domestic Violence. https://www.ncdv.org.uk/love-bombing-the-ultimate-grooming-technique/

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Keep your cheer this season, even if family is challenging.

“What?!” you say incredulously. “Why would I need to survive my family during the holidays? We are just like a Norman Rockwell painting!” If you can honestly say this, we think that’s amazing! We want families to be happy and connected! Odds are if you’re reading a blog on our website you are, in fact, trying to figure out how to manage the family stress of the holidays and come out the other side without needing twice-a-week counseling in Wake Forest.

The holidays can still be a magical season filled with joy even if your family sometimes is a little challenging. We have some tips to help you not only survive, but thrive in this holiday season.

Tip 1 – Boundaries are key!

If you don’t know what a boundary is, you can think of it like a fence with a gate. It sets a perimeter of access to you. You can choose to open the gate or not, depending on the situation. For holidays, it may be important to establish a few fence lines (or stick to ones you already have). For example, if political discussion become heated in your family you may set a boundary of not allowing that kind of discussion at meal times. You can let folks know ahead of time, “I know we can all get really passionate about what we believe or think about politically, but we’re gonna keep that out of the meals this year. Let’s focus on talking about what we are thankful for this year that has nothing to do with politics.” A boundary like this can help steer the conversation without alienating anyone’s viewpoint.

Tip 2 – Take breaks

There is great value in taking a walk or taking a step away. I heard a saying once that guests are like fish – after three days they start to smell and should go. When family come from afar (or we go to them) the three-day rule might be a bit tough. Instead, take some breaks from each other. Go for a walk (which also can help reduce depression and anxiety), go shopping, go read a book.

Tip 3 – Manage your expectations

We often are disappointed when our expectations are not met. If Uncle Bob always leaves a plate of half-consumed cake on the bathroom sink then expecting something different can leave you extra frustrated. Getting angry about it doesn’t mean it will change – it just means you’ll probably get in a fight. Are you able to overlook Uncle Bob’s choice of plate storage for the week he’s at your house? Are you able to be okay with your mom asking you (again) why you’re not yet married or when you’re giving her grandchildren? If you can let some things go you’ll find yourself happier. We do want to say, this applies only to family annoyances, not abusive behaviors! 

We hope these are helpful tips to help you survive family during the holidays and not need to come to counseling in Wake Forest when it’s all over!

If family is a real challenge and you need counseling in Wake Forest

That said, we do know family can sometimes be super hard to negotiate and there may be some things you do want to talk with one of our Wake Forest counselors about. We are happy to help! Reach out today at 919-891-0525 for your free, 15-minute consultation for counseling in Wake Forest NC.

The post Counseling in Wake Forest – Surviving Family During the Holidays appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.