You Might Be Experiencing the Golden Child Syndrome If…

• You feel anxious when you’re not being productive
• You struggle to know what you actually want
• You seek acceptance, but praise often feels uncomfortable
• You fear disappointing people more than anything
• You put everyone else’s needs above your own
• You’ve been called “mature for your age” your entire life

You were the easy one, the pleasure to have in class, the one your parents didn’t have to worry about. You knew how to be good. You had everything together. You made it look so easy. No one saw what it cost you to stay that way.

You were the Golden Child.

In a family system, each person often falls into a role – spoken or unspoken. It’s the way the system seems to function, with each member fulfilling a duty. This 14-part series explores common family roles found in dysfunctional family systems and how they shape the way we show up in relationships, work, and identity. We’re starting with the one that often gets praised the most…and questioned the least. Golden child syndrome.

The Golden Child is the favored child who often receives special treatment, high praise, and meets high standards. The Golden Child is often the one who can do no wrong – or more accurately, the one who is not allowed to.

Let’s also quickly explain what we mean here by syndrome. A syndrome is a group of behaviors or traits that tend to occur together. A syndrome describes what is happening, but unlike a disorder, it doesn’t always have a single, clearly understood root cause. As you’ll see, the Golden Child Syndrome is formed through a varied family system dynamic that has many layers that include the role he/she is placed in and learns and his/her own way of being that is part of the innate self.

What it Looks Like:

From the outside, The Golden Child may look privileged and highly regarded in their family. They may receive constant praise for their achievements, earned or not. But this praise comes with strings attached.

The Golden Child is often held to unrealistic expectations and face consequences when they are not met. Consequences in this role do not often look like punishment in the traditional sense but instead may come in the form of the withholding of love and acceptance. The Golden Child learns quickly: if they are not “perfect,” they are not worthy of love.

What it Feels Like to Be the Golden Child

Being the Golden Child can be incredibly lonely. They are often ostracized from their siblings; the pedestal they’re placed on keeps them out of reach. The siblings of the Golden Child often develop resentment and jealousy. The Golden Child may cope with this elevated status by developing entitlement-oriented and superiority-driven traits that live up to this “perfect” image they seek to obtain. From the outside, their suffering can look like privilege. What it really is, though, is a coping mechanism to receive love and care.

The Golden Child often develops intense people-pleasing tendencies, carrying the belief that others’ needs must come before their own. Many Golden Children struggle to identify what their own needs could be, their identity slowly shaping itself around expectations and external praise.

Perfectionism and the fear of failure become the armor the Golden Child learns to wear. When someone is taught that their worth is directly derived from their ability to be “perfect,” failure becomes a terrifying option.

How the Golden Child is Formed (Golden Child Syndrome)

Favoritism plays a lead role in the formation of golden child syndrome. One child is often selected as the idol in the sibling line-up, assigned to take on the expectations and dreams of the family system.

The Golden Child’s existence may revolve around the parents’ attempt to live vicariously through them. Rather than being a separate being with their own strengths, weaknesses, hopes, and dreams, the Golden Child becomes an extension of the parent or caregiver. This version of themselves the parents see through their Golden Child is an idealized version. When the Golden Child does not live up to this dream and ambition, they are often harshly criticized.

This criticism often comes wrapped in the package of coercion. The family system makes it unsafe for the Golden Child to be anything aside from “perfect.” The child may not feel safe voicing their opinions or feelings.

Conditional love becomes the foundation of the Golden Child’s world. Their identity, motivations, and role become defined by the approval and acceptance of their family system. Yet, the system has taught them that the only way they can gain this approval and acceptance is through performance. This codependent and symbiotic relationship between parents and the Golden Child fuels the system and ensures the Golden Child continues seeking approval and strives to accomplish the family’s goals. The Golden Child learns that if they stop performing properly or agreeing wholly, the love vanishes. Their nervous systems become wired for relentless achievement and hypervigilance in seeking acceptance or rejection.

What it Costs You to Be the Golden Child

Bessel van der Kolk, MD, a psychiatrist and trauma researcher, found that childhoods fraught with conditional approval produces hyperactive threat-detection systems in the nervous system that endure into adulthood. Conditional love breeds hypervigilance in Golden Children – one of the most enduring effects of golden child syndrome. These Golden Children often grow into adults who are trained to monitor and respond to others’ emotional states in order to maintain their own safety. Existing in a constant state of fearing rejection can quickly escalate to emotional burnout, chronic stress, and other states of havoc in the Golden Child’s nervous system. The Golden Child’s body may stay on high alert, even in moments that are supposed to feel safe.

Growing up in a home where their parents offered love in return for accomplishment, the Golden Child often seeks external validation. They may struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and autonomy outside of their parents’ expectations and validation. As adults, this can morph into a desire to hear external validation from other authority figures, such as a boss, or from their romantic partners.

The Golden Child from childhood to adulthood may struggle with criticism. In their role, failure or perceived weakness was enough to challenge their worth as a human. If they were to not meet expectations, they were no longer worthy of being loved. When someone criticizes them, even constructively, it can feel like a personal attack. Many Golden Children do not tolerate this type of feedback.

In turn, the Golden Child as an adult may also struggle to accept positive feedback as well. Growing up in a home where their identity was crafted by praise, receiving compliments may feel dangerous and trigger their same anxiety from childhood.

The Golden Child’s self-image is one of the most devastating casualties of golden child syndrome. Unable to form an identity outside of their family’s acceptance and praise, the Golden Child may view themselves constantly as “not good enough” when “perfect” is out of reach. This inadequacy haunts the Golden Child throughout their life, in their relationships, career aspirations, and achievements unless they begin to examine their way of being. They may find it difficult to trust their own judgment, leading to difficulties becoming independent and making decisions. In their roles as adults, they may develop imposter syndrome, not believing they are capable or worthy of their positions because they are never quite “good enough.”

Dan Siegel, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry, found that children raised with performance-based, conditional love are significantly more likely to show symptoms of anxiety and lower inherent motivation in adulthood compared to the children in homes with unconditional positive regard. We worked with a teen client whose parents were exacting in their expectations and she, needing their love and support, worked hard to meet them. The result was burnout and suicidality at the tender age of just sixteen.

The Golden Children as Golden Adults become anxious and struggle to find motivation away from their parents’ approval. Rest can begin to feel unsafe, even if earned. Slowing down can feel like losing your worth. It often leads the Golden Child to constantly over-book or overload themselves in an attempt to avoid that feeling.

Relationships with family are often casualties to being anointed the Golden Child. Sibling dynamics are often fraught with jealousy and resentment from the other siblings and guilt from the Golden Child. They often carry guilt–knowing, even if they couldn’t fully name it, that the way they were treated wasn’t the same as everyone else. The Golden Child may develop resentment toward their parents, creating a complicated source of inadequacy, lost worth, and lack of identity.

What Healing Looks Like:

Parents

Parents of Golden Children, it isn’t too late to mend this imbalance. There are a number of ways to create healing in the family dynamic when you realize you’ve inadvertently created Golden Child syndrome for one of your children:

1. Setting Healthy Boundaries

Creating boundaries in the family that ensures attention is balanced between siblings is a strong way to amend the damage created by the Golden Child role. With our young client, the parents were able to see as we worked together how their expectations were formed by their own struggles and fears and were able to balance the family dynamic.

1. Encourage Identity Independent of Praise

Parental praise cannot be the end-all-be-all of the child’s worth. Encouraging the children to explore their own experiences and feelings about them can help remediate this damage. Rather than praising the child’s accomplishments, parents can honor the traits the child exhibited (e.g., courage, strength, wisdom, kindness, honesty, empathy, curiosity, etc.). For our client and her family, her parents actively praised things other than her accomplishments. They also praised her accomplishments, which is appropriate and needed, but it was no longer the sum total of the praise they gave.

Outside of praise, creating a space where children can explore their own identity, interests, and beliefs can be a wonderful way to help bring healing to the Golden Child. Encourage the children to make decisions based on their values rather than on the influence of the parents. For our client family, this meant looking carefully over the extracurricular activities for the teen. Some serious cuts were made in her schedule and she was able to lean more fully into her interests and activities, not just what her parents thought would get her into the best college.

1. Therapy

Surprise, surprise that the therapist is recommending therapy as a remedy for this dynamic. I hear you. Let me explain. Therapy for both the parents and the children can be a wonderful way to create a safe space for everyone to examine what was going on for this dynamic to be present. Whether it’s individual or family therapy, it can bring in an empathetic third-party who is rooting for all of you, willing to get in the trenches with you to explore this and bring healing. It’s not easy work, but you don’t have to do it alone. Our client family did excellent work both individually and as a family. We saw much of the anxiety our teen client was experiencing melt away as the pressure was lifted.

The Golden Child

Healing is very possible. You are so deserving of it. Healing often begins when you realize your worth was never meant to be earned. You might start to wonder who you actually are outside of who you were expected to be.

1. Gather Your Tribe

It is not all on the Golden Child to heal. Healing is done in community and in practice. Through self-reflection, open-communication, and emotional support, healing is available. And, yes, therapy is incredibly helpful for those who are on this healing journey. Having a therapist on your side can help facilitate this growth and healing.

1. Boundaries

Just as the parents need boundaries when raising their children, it is important for Golden Children to establish boundaries when healing. The Golden Child is encouraged to set boundaries based on their own values and beliefs, to recognize their own needs and limitations. Our teen client was able to express the activities she liked and did not like. At first it was super scary for her since she’d never given her own opinion to her parents. She was able to learn to speak up and respectfully state what she enjoyed and what was too much in her schedule.

1. Reclaim Independence

In healing, adult Golden Children are encouraged to explore their own interests, apart from the expectations put on them as children. Relocation can potentially be an option, if needing physical space away from their family. The healing Golden Child is encouraged to find themselves, through play, through choice, through vulnerability.

Conclusion

The easy one. The pleasure to have in class. The hero. The saint. The Golden Child.

So much was expected of you–and even more was taken from you. Oftentimes parents don’t mean this with malice, but it doesn’t make Golden Child syndrome any easier. Healing is possible. I know it feels like you have to do it perfectly, that you have to do it right. It takes learning and practice to let go of those standards set for you so long ago. You don’t have to do it alone. Healing is messy, but it is worth it. You are worth it.

If any of this is resonating with you and you’re ready to finally rest and heal, we’d love to help you. Reach out today for a free, 15-minute consultation with one of our amazing therapists or coaches.

References

[1] Bay Area CBT Center (2024). Exploring the golden child syndrome: Navigating the complexities with trauma therapy. Bay Area CBT Center. https://bayareacbtcenter.com/golden-child/

[2] DeWitt, H. (2024). Golden child syndrome: How does it develop, and what effect does it have? Thriveworks. Clinically reviewed by Christine Ridley, LCSW. https://thriveworks.com/help-with/children-teens-adolescents/golden-child-syndrome/

[3] Embark Behavioral Health (2025). Dysfunctional family roles: Identifying and addressing them. Embark Behavioral Health. https://www.embarkbh.com/treatment/therapies/family-therapy/dysfunctional-family-roles/

[4] Martino, M. (2025). Understanding golden child syndrome: Symptoms, impacts, and strategies for healing. Handspring. Medically reviewed by Amy Kranzler, PhD. https://www.handspringhealth.com/post/understanding-golden-child-syndrome

[5] Wright, A. (2026). The golden child: The burden of being the ‘easy’ one. Annie Wright. https://anniewright.com/golden-child-high-achieving-women/

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Coercive control is a much better name for domestic abuse, domestic violence, or interpersonal violence because many people still picture abuse as only physical or sexual violence. The reality is that coercive control is a sustained pattern of power and control that slowly erodes another person’s autonomy, agency, and sense of self. It can look “subtle” or even invisible on the outside while feeling suffocating inside the relationship. The core issue is not conflict or a “bad marriage,” but a repeated system where one person’s preferences, needs, and voice get treated as irrelevant. Understanding coercive control helps survivors name what is happening, trust their perceptions again, and begin rebuilding safety, dignity, and emotional clarity.

A key distinction is the difference between a one-off hurtful moment and a repeating pattern. Everyone can speak sharply or act selfishly at times, then feel guilt, repair the harm, and take responsibility. To put it mildly, we can all be jerks now and again. Coercive control, by contrast, repeats and escalates. It often includes grooming behaviors that present as charm, devotion, or protectiveness while narrowing the victim’s choices over time. Many survivors describe a “captivity funnel” effect: the relationship starts wide with freedom and slowly tightens through pressure, dependency, and fear. Common tactics include gaslighting, rewriting reality, minimizing, and convincing the victim that their memory is unreliable, which can create chronic anxiety and constant self doubt.

Coercive control also shows up through spiritual abuse in Christian contexts, when someone weaponizes faith, Scripture, or religious authority to demand compliance. It can sound like “God wants you to submit” or “don’t question the Lord’s anointed,” especially when the controlling person is a pastor, leader, or highly respected figure. This fosters dependency and isolation by implying that safety and belonging require silence. Other coercive control behaviors include monitoring phones, location, and finances; restricting access to food, clothing, healthcare, or work; cutting off friends and support systems; and using emotional punishment like the silent treatment or withdrawal of affection to force behavior. Over time, the victim’s world becomes smaller and the cost of disagreement feels dangerously high.

Consent is another critical area. Sexual coercion can occur without overt force, including persistent badgering, guilt, threats of withdrawal, or spiritualized pressure about “wifely duties.” Assent is not consent; true consent is freely given and enthusiastic without manipulation. When a person cannot control their yes because they are worn down or afraid of consequences, that is not a genuine agreement. Naming these dynamics matters because coercive control thrives on confusion. Survivors often ask, “How did I get here?” The answer is usually incremental escalation paired with tactics that keep the victim off balance.

Coercive control is not only psychologically damaging; it is physically harmful. Chronic stress changes the body through neurochemicals and inflammation, increasing risk for health problems over time. That is why we are adamant that all abuse is physical abuse, even when no one is hit. If you suspect coercive control, don’t panic. Get curious, gather data, and think about safety, because asking questions and setting boundaries can increase risk. Seek support from trained advocates and therapists who understand domestic abuse dynamics. If you fear you may be the controlling person, change is possible but requires ownership, accountability, and individual work rather than couples counseling. The path forward involves radical honesty, repentance, and sustained effort to become a safe person who no longer needs control to feel secure.

Don’t go this alone. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. We are here to help heal – whether you are the controlled or the controller. One of our amazing therapists or coaches is happy to walk with you in healing.

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The hidden habits that keep us stuck — and the mindful shift that moves us forward.

We spend a lot of energy trying to win stuff like arguments and situations. We often have an inner monologue running constantly in our heads. But winning and being effective are not the same thing. In fact, the drive to be right is one of the biggest obstacles standing between us and the peaceful, purposeful life God promises, and also can really mess up relationships.

This week we dig into the seventh principle of mindful connection: effectiveness. This isn’t about productivity hacks or life optimization. It’s about something far more personal — learning to do what actually works, in a way that moves you toward your goals, your relationships, and ultimately, toward God.

Over years of working with clients — and doing my own inner work — I’ve seen the same pain points come up again and again when it comes to living effectively. Let’s walk through them together.

The Pain Points Standing in Our Way

These are the most common struggles that come up when we talk about effectiveness. Thankfully every single one has a way through.

“As Brené Brown said, ‘Clear is kind.’ If we are responding to what we think we should be, or what the situation should be, then we’re missing out on information and connection opportunity.” — Tabitha Westbrook

What Effectiveness Actually Looks Like

Being effective is not about being perfect. It’s not about getting everything right the first time. It’s about purposeful movement — doing what works, in this moment, toward the goal in front of you.

That requires a few things: knowing what your goal is, responding to what’s actually happening (not what you think should be happening), and being willing to adapt how you pursue that goal when something isn’t working.

Psalm 139 is an invitation to honest self-examination — not condemnation, but rather it’s about getting clarity. Asking God to search our hearts, including for willfulness, is one of the most effective things we can do. We can’t change what we don’t know and we all have things we need to adjust from time to time. It positions us to respond to reality rather than our own story about reality. I was super heartened by a leader I respect a great deal sharing a story where he’d recently made a mistake and had to make repair and figure it out. I myself had to evaluate the way I respond in stressful situations when I realized my response in a particular situation showed me an area I was not as effective as I’d have preferred. None of these situations are meant to slam us into the pavement and tell us we’re horrible. This isn’t about shame when we ask God to show us stuff. What they do is help us grow and refine and see those areas where we can grow in our ability to be effective. Think about it this way, a loving parent looks at us and goes, “Hey, that’s probably not gonna take you where you want to go. Would you like to try something different? I can help you out.”

A Few Ways to Practice This Week

Effectiveness is a skill, which means it takes practice. Here are some ways to build it intentionally:

• Notice the “right vs. effective” moment. When you feel the pull to win an argument or dig in your heels, pause. Ask: what am I actually trying to accomplish here? Does being right get me there?
• Set a SMART goal. Pick one area of your life — a habit, a relationship pattern, a practice — and make it Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-bound. Ask: what could get in the way, and how will I address that proactively?
• Try “willing hands.” Sit comfortably and place your palms face-up in your lap. Notice what shifts in your body and your mind when you physically open your hands. It’s a small gesture with a surprisingly powerful effect.
• Check your TUBES. Before reacting to a situation, scan your Thoughts, Urges, Behaviors, Emotions, and Sensations. This brief check-in can create just enough space to choose effectiveness over reactivity.
• Ask for help. Identify one area where you’ve been trying to go it alone. Reach out — to a friend, a coach, your therapist, or God in prayer. We need each other.

A Word on Grace

As with everything, we hold effectiveness alongside grace. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). That means this work — noticing our willfulness, seeing our own blind spots, and, when needed, adjusting our approach — is not about shame. It’s about real freedom and growth.

The goal was never perfection. It’s mindful connection — with ourselves, with others, and with God. And effectiveness, practiced with compassion and intention, is one of the most powerful pathways to that connection.

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Romance Fiction Red Flags

Last week we began unpacking the red flags we see in romantic fiction. This week we unpack the final six in our two-part series.

7. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Non-Consensual or Coercive Behavior Portrayed as Desire

In romance fiction, a partner may kiss or touch the love interest without asking. In a passion scene, they may pin the other against the wall and continue their pursuance despite hesitation. The love interest may invade her space, touch her, smell her, or kiss her without consent. These scenes are depicted as passion with the belief that he “couldn’t help himself” or couldn’t “wait” any longer since he was so in love.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is marketed as spontaneity and confidence. In media, the lack of consent is often built into this passionate, confident moment, even if one of them wasn’t ready to admit their feelings. This forced intimacy can bring them to admit their feelings. For those whose stories include blurred consent, it can echo past experiences where boundaries were not respected and violation can be confused with desire.

In Reality

In reality, consent is sexy—coercion is not. Just as a reminder, consent is a full, enthusiastic “yes.” Passion without consent is not romantic, it’s predatory. Mutual desire requires ongoing communication, autonomy, and trust. Checking in with your partner, asking permission, and respecting hesitation are all signs of genuine care and respect, not barriers to romance.

8. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Dependency Framed as Devotion

In these stories, couples become entrenched in each other’s existences. They believe their entire purpose for existing is to love and be with their person. When faced with a reality that does not include their partner, they would choose to rather die than face it. Life becomes meaningless without this person.

As readers, we may fall for this because of the craved desire to belong and be significant for someone else. When we fear abandonment, it can feel so secure to be the reason someone is living. It is intoxicating to be someone’s very reason for existing.

In Reality

In reality, this promotes enmeshment rather than healthy interdependence. Love should expand your world, not shrink it. Healthy devotion allows for both people to have separate identities, passions, friendships, and goals. Two whole people choosing each other creates a stronger foundation than two halves trying to make a whole.

9. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Power Imbalances

In romantic fiction, love can be found in the most unlikely of places—between a boss and employee, teacher and student, or an older individual with a younger person. These taboo matches feel thrilling and forbidden and make their love feel unavoidable and real.

As readers, we may fall for this because power dynamics heighten tension and fantasy. These pairings in real life are fraught with drama and intrigue—often becoming the top storylines for news, documentaries, and other media outlets. For some, being chosen by someone powerful or forbidden feels affirming; as if nothing could get in the way of them choosing you.

In Reality

In reality, power imbalances can enable exploitation or abuse under the guise of “forbidden love.” Having unchecked, unequal power dynamics can make genuine consent impossible. These relationships often involve coercion, fear, or dependency. In sustaining, lasting love, mutual respect, equality, and freely given consent are necessary. The person with more power always has a responsibility to recognize and not exploit that dynamic.

10. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Isolation from Friends and Support Systems

In romance fiction, after the couple falls in love, the love interest becomes the center of the main character’s world. They may stop hanging out with their friends, don’t tell anyone where they’re going, hide arguments, or only confide in each other. This exclusivity is framed as intimacy and a belief that, “No one else could understand.”

As readers, we may fall for this because it taps into the fantasy of being someone’s entire world. Having total devotion in a relationship feels like ultimate, all-consuming love. For trauma survivors, isolation can mimic the “specialness” or enmeshment often experienced in grooming; since this is familiar, it may feel safe. (You can learn more about grooming in our series on it.)

In Reality

In reality, isolation is one of the first warning signs of an abusive, destructive relationship. Healthy love encourages connection and autonomy, not secrecy and co-dependency. If it feels as though you cannot talk to others about your relationship, that’s not privacy—that’s control. A partner who truly loves you will encourage your friendships and celebrate your connections outside the relationship.

11. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Violence During Intimacy

In romance fiction, strangulation, slapping, or the use of dangerous items during sex is portrayed as passionate, edgy, or proof of chemistry and trust. These are often normalized in “dark romance” fictional stories without context or discussion of consent and safety. Sometimes, the aggressor is not a human, as is the case with “romantasy” stories, making boundaries even more blurry.

As readers, we may fall for this because power and surrender can feel thrilling. Adrenaline and arousal often mimic each other and can become enmeshed in our arousal structures. The taboo nature can feel exciting and transgressive.

In Reality

In reality, consensual kinks practiced within a relationship with clear communication, boundaries, and aftercare are one thing (and kink is a broad, broad term), but unexamined violence is another. When physical harm is portrayed as the height of passion—especially without negotiation, aftercare, or enthusiastic consent—it can equate danger with desire. BDSM communities emphasize consent, safety, and care; fiction often skips these crucial elements. Additionally, strangulation is never, ever safe. Often called “sexual choking” it can lead to death and is the biggest indicator that domestic abuse will become lethal. And, it should be noted, here at The Journey and The Process, we encourage clients to be curious when violence shows up in their arousal templates; oftentimes, it stems from past sexual harm. For more information, you can check out Tabitha Westbrook’s book Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control.

12. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Female Submissiveness as Virtue

In these stories, the woman is constantly deferring to her partner—emotionally, sexually, or practically—and it is described as feminine or godly devotion. She may defer to her partner because he has more experience, is of higher rank, or because she wholly trusts him. Her lack of agency or voice is portrayed as proof of her goodness or femininity.

As readers, we may fall for this because cultural or religious narratives often equate submission with love or worthiness. Being “chosen” by a strong, dominant man can feel validating and loving. Having someone take control and control the narrative can feel safe, especially for those who grew up with the burden of too much responsibility.

In Reality

In reality, true partnership and intimacy allow both people to be strong, curious, and autonomous. Submission without choice isn’t loving—it’s coercive. It’s also not submission – it’s subjugation. In these dynamics, the highlight should not be focused on how the woman submits, but whether the man is worthy of her trust and whether her submission is a free choice made from a place of power, not powerlessness. Healthy relationships evidence mutuality.

Reading Responsibly

Fiction and romance provide an escape where other worlds can be real and love can be unconditional. While many of these tropes and themes are common in fictional romance, it is important to explore the impact they can have on us as readers and what the romance fiction red flags are. Here are some ways to engage with romantic fiction more mindfully:

• Stay curious, not judgmental. If a trope or theme attracts you, ask why. Does it mirror something from your past or a wound you’re still healing from? There’s no shame in what resonates with us—curiosity helps us understand ourselves better. Many people never get curious about their arousal templates (the constellation of things that bring sexual arousal), but being curious is the pathway to beginning to understand and healing sexual harm and brokenness.
• Differentiate fantasy from desire. You can enjoy a story without wanting that dynamic in your real life. Fiction can be just that—fiction. Enjoying something on the page doesn’t mean you want or deserve it in reality. But if you are becoming habituated – used to – the fantasy and find it starting to show up in your inner world, you may want to determine whether a given book or series is for you.
• Notice your body’s response. Does a scene make you tense, anxious, or activated? That might be a cue from your nervous system. Stay curious about what these responses are telling you.
• Seek representations of healthy love. If this post resonated with you, consider exploring stories where communication, consent, and safety are just as compelling as chaos. These stories exist and can help reshape our understanding of what love can look like. In fact, there are whole series of books that depict healthy relationships and are not smarmy or dumb.
• Reflect, don’t shame. These tropes are popular because they touch deep human longings—belonging, passion, redemption, being chosen. Awareness lets us reclaim these needs and meet them in healthier ways, both in fiction and in life.

We hope this two-part series on romance fiction red flags has helped you become more curious about what you are reading. If you want to explore some of these themes and how your body responds to them or you’re curious about what exactly has gotten woven into your arousal template, we at the Journey and the Process would be happy to walk alongside you. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are here to help you thrive.

The Journey and The Process – Counseling & Coaching that helps you thrive!

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Romance Fiction – Part 1

Falling in love through romance fiction is a common pastime for many creatives and story-lovers alike. We read of star-crossed lovers defying the odds, of enemies-to-lovers who choose each other despite their flaws, and friends who find each other to be so much more. Fictional stories offer us a reprieve from the mundane or difficult in our daily lives.

While it can be a wonderful thing to escape into a story, it is important to recognize some of the problematic and destructive behaviors that are often romanticized in these narratives. In this two-part series, we’ll explore common romance tropes that normalize unhealthy relationship dynamics, examine why they resonate with us, and discuss what healthy love actually looks like. Today we’re going to start with the first six romance fiction red flags.

1. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Love Cures All

In stories, it is often romanticized that love from a romantic partner can “heal” someone’s deepest wounds and traumas. When the love interests find each other, it is as if the bounds of their previous pain no longer bind them. All that matters is that they found love, and from then on, they are a healed version of themselves.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is a comforting belief to think love can erase pain. In many ways, it feels as though connection and unconditional acceptance is what can heal what feels broken within us. If someone else views us as lovable and savable, then perhaps we are. For those who have experienced trauma, this idea can validate the longing to be fully seen and accepted, without having to do the hard work of healing.

In Reality

In reality, this view minimizes the need for therapy, growth, and self-work. Love is a wonderful support for healing, but it cannot do the healing for us. Healthy relationships can create a safe space where healing becomes possible, and experiencing consistent care can teach us what love should feel like. However, expecting a partner to cure trauma or other wounds can lead to disappointment or destructive patterns in the relationship, like co-dependency. The relationship provides the support; the individual must do the work.

2. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Ignoring Boundaries as Persistence

In these stories, there is a romanticized gesture of the love interest continuing to show up and pursue the main character, even if she says, “No.” It is framed as devotion and persistence. Even if she doesn’t fall for him first, he just “knew they were meant to be” and refuses to “give up on her.” He may show up at her place of work, leave her gifts at her door, or continue to call her after she asks for space.

As readers, we may fall for this because persistence and confidence can be flattering. To know someone is so entirely confident in their love for you that there are no boundaries to what they will do to be with you can feel special. Often, we are taught that being pursued equates to being valued. For those whose stories have been framed by conditional or inconsistent love, the idea of someone refusing to give up on them can feel like proof of their worth.

In Reality

In reality, the disregard of boundaries is not romance—it’s disrespect. In a healthy pursuit, autonomy and choice are honored. If someone keeps pushing after a “No,” it is not passion, it’s entitlement. This normalizes stalking, coercion, and emotionally manipulative behaviors. True devotion respects your right to say no and trusts that if it’s meant to be, it will happen with mutual consent.

3. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Possessive Behaviors

In romance fiction, the love interest may display possessive behaviors through constantly monitoring the main character’s location, who they are with, and what they are doing. They may become angry, violent, or incensed at the idea of anyone else’s attention being on the main character. They may use the phrase, “You’re mine,” as a way to claim their deep devotion and love.

As readers, we may fall for this because possession can be mistaken for protection. It can feel comforting for someone to take charge. For people whose stories have caregivers who did not protect them, or partners who deliberately hurt them, having a partner who is undeniably devoted can feel safe. Being claimed can feel an awful lot like reassurance.

In Reality

In reality, possessive behaviors are rooted in insecurity, jealousy, and ownership—not connection, love, and trust. These possessive behaviors are not protective, but rather coercive. True love does not require ownership, surveillance, or control. True love trusts and allows freedom.

4. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Jealousy as Proof of Love

In romantic fiction, jealous outbursts are often portrayed as proof of passion. The jealous partner may become violent when faced with a competitor. They may storm away from the main character, later declaring their undying love. This reaction can stem from benign encounters, such as the main character talking to another man or smiling at someone else.

As readers, we may fall for this since jealousy can be confused with intensity and passion. Jealousy can look a lot like love rather than insecurity. When someone becomes incensed at the mere thought of losing you, it’s understandable to feel a certain level of safety. For those who have been cheated on or overlooked in past relationships, this unhinged devotion can feel secure.

In Reality

In reality, jealousy is a normal and very human feeling, but it is our responsibility to regulate it and never weaponize it. In healthy relationships, jealousy is communicated and navigated, not glamorized and weaponized. When jealousy manifests as control or rage, it moves from being a vulnerable emotion to being emotionally manipulative and potentially dangerous.

5. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Emotional Turmoil as Chemistry

In these stories, couples often experience constant arguing, break-ups, and emotional whiplash. It is rare to find a couple that is steady and consistent; truly, it may not make for a good story if they were completely healthy. The couples fight hard, love hard, and the chaos is marketed as proof of their connection and passion.

A common trope that highlights emotional turmoil as chemistry is the miscommunication trope. In fiction, the plot may rely on constant misunderstandings, withheld information, or one partner manipulating the other’s perception of reality. One partner might lie about their identity, hide crucial information, or deliberately mislead the other “for their own good.” These interactions are often brushed off as tension or drama, with the intended purpose of driving the plot forward. When taken to an extreme, this becomes gaslighting—making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

As readers, we may fall for this because adrenaline can feel like chemistry. For those who grew up associating love with inconsistency or anxiety, calm and steady relationships can feel boring. Chaos, on the other hand, feels familiar and it feels exciting. The makeup after the fight can feel intensely intimate, creating an addictive cycle.

In Reality

In reality, emotional chaos is not chemistry and love does not have to be hard to be worth it. While all couples have disagreements, constant turmoil is exhausting and damaging. Gaslighting is psychological abuse—it erodes self-trust, leaving you dependent on the abuser for truth. True intimacy feels safe, steady, and often uneventful. Peace can be love’s most powerful evidence.

6. Romance Fiction Red Flag: “Fixing” the Brooding/Dangerous Partner

In this type of fiction, the emotionally unavailable, angry, and self-destructive man may “soften” only for her. She—and their love—become the only reason for his change. He may approach others with an, “I hate everyone except you,” attitude. This dynamic is often found in the grumpy-sunshine trope in which he is the grumpy, sulky character and she is a human ray of sunshine. He may have extreme anger or hostility that is only calmed by her voice, presence, or touch.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is the fantasy of redemption. It mirrors our own wish to be the exception. It is a common misconception that women believe, “I can save him,” and these stories are proof of the possibility. It is tempting and romantic to think that our love could rewrite someone’s story, someone’s pain. For caretakers and survivors, this can mirror old patterns of earning love through healing others.

In Reality

In reality, this encourages caretaking behavior and self-abandonment. It is not possible to heal someone who does not want to heal; it is up to them to do the hard work and face their pain. Love can inspire and foster change and growth, but it cannot create it. Real transformation requires accountability and choice, not saviors. You cannot love someone into wellness, and trying to do so will deplete you.

Where Do You See These Red Flags?

These are some of the romance fiction red flags. As you read these did any stand out as being part of your favorite novel? We aren’t trying to shame you, but we do want you to be aware! Our next post will talk more about how to read responsibly, but in the interim if you’re recognizing some of these patterns in your real relationships we’re here to help. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are honored to walk alongside you in your exploration and curiosity. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation to see how we can help you.

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The post Romance Fiction Red Flags: Unpacking Harmful Tropes in Fictional Love Stories (Part 1) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.