When I was a kid I had opinions. I know this is utterly shocking for those who actually know. Shocking. And I remember saying to another kid who wanted me to do something I did not want to do on the playground, “You’re not the boss of me!”

Our thoughts can for sure try to be the boss of us. And then… they try to hijack an entire day.

Ugh.

You wake up feeling okay-ish. And then a thought arrives before your feet even hit the floor. It might be about something you said yesterday, something you’re afraid of tomorrow, something that hasn’t happened yet and may never happen at all (see our last blog on that one). And before you’ve finished your first cup of coffee, you’re deep in a spiral. You’re anxious and discouraged. You’re convinced things are true knowing that, if someone said them out loud to you, you’d push back on immediately.

The problem isn’t that you have negative thoughts. Every person alive has negative thoughts. The problem really is what happens next — whether those thoughts get to drive, or whether you do. Interrupting negative thoughts and negative thought cycles is one of the most transformative skills I teach, and it is far more learnable than most people believe.

Your Mind on Autopilot

You might remember, as we talked about in a previous blog, research tells us that we are only truly present and aware about 5% of the time. The other 95%? We are living on autopilot. When we’re on autopilot, our thoughts run completely unchecked, like a conveyer belt just trucking along wreaking havoc in the background.

Here’s what that looks like in practice: a thought appears, and without any pause or examination, it triggers an emotion (or the emotion triggers the thought as we try to make meaning of it). That emotion triggers another thought. That thought triggers another emotion. And the spiral accelerates until you’re emotionally exhausted by something that began as a single, passing thought.

Living on autopilot means you never get the chance to ask the most important question: Is this thought actually true?

Darn it.

Here’s the thing, and I say this gently but directly to my clients all the time: your thoughts are not always facts. They feel like facts. They can feel overwhelmingly, undeniably true. But a thought is an experience, not a verdict. Interrupting negative thoughts starts with understanding that distinction.

What “Taking Every Thought Captive” Actually Means

The phrase from 2 Corinthians 10:5 — “taking every thought captive” — is one of the most practically powerful instructions in all of Scripture. But I think we often misunderstand what it’s actually asking us to do. I know I’ve sat in more than a few sermons and been like, “But how do I do it??? I need more than a concept!”

It is not a call to suppress your thoughts or pretend they aren’t there. It’s for sure not about spiritual white-knuckling or forcing yourself to “think positive.” It is an invitation to notice your thoughts, examine them, and choose what to do with them rather than being dragged along by them.

The original Greek word used for “set your mind” in Scripture describes an intentional, active process. Interrupting negative thoughts is not passive. It is a chosen, practiced skill. And the good news is that with regular practice, it becomes more natural.

Romans 12:2 pairs beautifully with this. The renewing of your mind is described as a transformation. Not a one-time event, but an ongoing process of change. That is exactly what we’re talking about here.

The 0-to-60 Problem

One of the things I describe often in my work is the “0 to 60” experience. This is the way our minds can go from a calm, neutral state to full emotional overwhelm in what feels like a nanosecond. One thought, and suddenly you’re flooded. It’s like a Porsche, except way less fun.

This happens most easily when we’re not practicing the skill of interrupting negative thoughts. And for many of us, especially those who have dealt with anxiety, depression, or trauma, the path of least resistance runs directly downhill into the spiral.

As I’ve heard my friend Matt Wenger, Clinical Executive Director of Begin Again Institute, say, “Water will run where the ditch is dug.”

The more we travel a path, the more worn it becomes – that’s how we dig the ditch. Neuroscience calls this the strengthening of neural pathways; the routes our brains most frequently travel become the routes they default to. If your brain has been spiraling for years, it has become very good at spiraling.

All that said, those pathways can be changed. We can dig a new ditch and the water will, in fact, move. And the tool for building them is exactly what we’re talking about here, the intentional, repeated practice of noticing thoughts and choosing how to respond to them, rather than reacting automatically. And then, once we notice, we can make a different choice.

How Interrupting Negative Thoughts Actually Works

So what does interrupting negative thoughts look like in practice? It begins with one deceptively simple skill: noticing. I know, you’re getting sick of hearing the noticing. But we really do have to start there and then really practice it.

We aren’t analyzing or fixing. – yet. And we also don’t judge ourselves for having the thought in the first place. We observe the thought as if we are watching it pass by on a conveyor belt — Oh, there’s that thought again. Or: I’m noticing a worried thought right now. That small act of observation creates a gap between the thought and your reaction. And in that gap is where your power lives.

Now, what do we do with said thought? Glad you asked. From that place of noticing, you can begin to ask: Is this thought accurate? Is it based on facts, or is it based on fear? Is it helping me move toward my goals, or is it pulling me away from them? You don’t have to fight the thought or argue with it. You just don’t have to automatically believe it either.

Imagine if we all walked around with a PowerPoint presentation above our heads showing every thought we had. Nobody would leave the house. We all have all kinds of thoughts — strange ones, dark ones, anxious ones, silly ones. Having a thought doesn’t make it true.

The Role of the Present Moment

Most negative thought spirals have one thing in common: they are almost never about right now. They are about the past — what went wrong, what was said, what you should have done differently. Or they are about the future — what might happen, what could go wrong, what you’re afraid of.

The present moment is almost always safer than either of those places and it’s also the only place you have power. The past is complete and the future has not yet come, so right now is where you have agency. Right now, in this moment, you are okay. You are breathing. You are here. Interrupting negative thoughts often means gently redirecting your mind back to what is actually true right now, rather than what your brain is projecting onto the past or the future.

This is a Skill. You Can Learn It.

Many folks believe that interrupting negative thoughts is not something they are capable of.

That’s not true. The brain is remarkably changeable — woot for neuroplasticity! As we’ve mentioned, research shows that practicing mindful awareness for as little as 10 minutes a day over 8 weeks literally changes the structure of the brain. Noticing is part of mindfulness. Practicing it increases your capacity to notice, pause, and choose.

So, let’s be practical here. You notice your thoughts. You fact check them. Cool. And then you get to decide whether it’s going to be the boss of you. I’ve literally said out loud to my thoughts, “This isn’t factual and you are not the boss of me.” Yes, sometimes you have to do this over and over and over as you’re learning the process. Remember, we have to tread a lot of ground to wear that new ditch. And if you’re struggling with whether or not a thought is true, this is a space to have a great therapist or coach help out. You also can ask yourself something like this, “Can I allow 1% of me to consider this might not be accurate?” Or you can try, “What would I do if I didn’t believe this?” Both of those help create interruption in that negative spiral.

Over time and with practice, you build that new, neural pathway. You dig a new ditch and the water can flow in a new direction more easily.

Your mind is not the boss of you.

If you’re reading and thinking, “I really need some help with this,” We’ve got your back. Connect with one of our amazing therapists or coaches and start building your new ditch and watch that water flow in new places! Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation call.

Ready to start interrupting negative thoughts and take back control of your mind? Click below to learn more about the Taking Every Thought Captive course series. Use code RESET24 for 80% off.

The post Interrupting Negative Thoughts: Your Mind Is Not the Boss of You appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

I said this to a client once and it stopped them mid-sentence. We’d been talking about all the ways they were bracing for pain that hadn’t arrived yet — rehearsing it, pre-grieving it, building elaborate mental scenarios for how bad it might get.

They went quiet. And then she said, “Well crap. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing.”

Most of us have two default responses when it comes to suffering and pain. We either spend enormous energy dreading it before it arrives. We do things like catastrophizing, over-preparing, and white-knuckling the future. Or when it does arrive, we shut down and refuse to process it at all. We push it down, power through, and tell ourselves we’re fine. Also, sometimes it never arrives and we bought a ticket to nowhere.

Neither of those approaches works. And there is a better way to deal with suffering and pain, one that is both practical and rooted in faith.

Suffering Is Guaranteed. We Live on Actual Earth.

Let’s start with something the Church sometimes dances around: suffering is not a sign that something has gone wrong with your life or your faith. It is a guaranteed part of being human. Like, that is part of living here is that stuff gets real hard sometimes.

In John 16:33, Jesus said plainly: “In this world you will have trouble.” Not might. Not could. Will. He didn’t promise a pain-free life to those who follow Him. What He promised was this: “But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Paul writes in Philippians 3:10 about knowing Christ and “the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings.” I used to really wonder what this meant, then the world became a giant dumpster fire and it’s now real obvious. So many folks have endured and are enduring deep suffering. Because Jesus suffered, we know He gets it. There is a companionship in suffering — both with Christ and with one another. And holding hope together helps us endure.

Knowing that suffering will come doesn’t have to be a dark or frightening thought. It can actually be freeing. When we stop being surprised by pain and start being equipped for it, everything changes in how we deal with suffering and pain when it shows up at our door. Please note, this does not make it easy. The concept may be simple, but suffering sucks. There is no way to sugarcoat that.

The Train Metaphor — Why Advanced Purchase is Unhelpful

When that train of suffering does arrive, God provides what we need to board it. He doesn’t empower us beforehand. He meets us in the moment, when we need it and how we need it.

This is what Lamentations 3:22-23 is pointing to: His mercies are new every morning. The grace for tomorrow’s pain is not available today, because you don’t need it today. You need today’s grace for today’s reality. And, quite honestly, we often are the worst prophets. We predict wrong and a whole other train shows up. And we need God’s provision for something else entirely.

When I was learning I was in a coercively controlling marriage, God led me to Hosea 6:1-3. Those verses basically say God is going to tear stuff down and rebuild it. I remember sitting on my bed as I read it. I can still see the deep plum wall of that room and the purple comforter on my bed. My Bible was in my lap as tears dripped onto the page. I was not a fan. In fact, my words to God were like, “Who reads Hosea anyway?!” (Look, I know plenty of people do, but in that moment I was not amused.) But there was a sweetness of God rebuilding in those verses. I could not have predicted what was coming. It was harrowing. I thought I was going to lose my life a couple times. There is no amount of worry or prognostication that could have made that season easier. But what I for sure had each step of the way was Jesus holding on to me. I obviously made it through, and it’s a rock of remembrance for me now.

This is one of the most practically helpful truths I know when it comes to dealing with anxiety about future suffering. You aren’t meant to carry what hasn’t been given to you yet. And you’re probably preparing for the wrong thing anyway. So spending your present-moment energy bracing for a train that isn’t at the station yet doesn’t protect you from the pain when it comes, it just steals your peace in the meantime.

The Other Extreme: Refusing to Process Pain That’s Already Here

The opposite problem is just as common, and just as costly. When suffering arrives many of us shut the door on it. We function. We cope. We keep moving. We exist. We do this because sitting with pain feels unbearable, or weak, or like we’re not trusting God enough.

But unprocessed pain doesn’t disappear. It relocates. It shows up as chronic anxiety, as numbness, as short fuses and sleepless nights and a low-grade sadness that never quite lifts. It shows up in our bodies (yes, we’d love it if the body stopped keeping the score, but here we are). It shows up in our closest relationships. The pain we refuse to feel doesn’t go away, it just goes underground. It doesn’t have to be that way.

The Psalms tell us that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Notice it’s not the ones who have it together or the ones who powered through. It’s the brokenhearted. God never minimizes our pain.

Being Present is What Keeps Pain from Getting Worse

One of the most important things I’ve learned, both as a counselor and as someone who has walked through deep grief myself, is that being in the present moment is one of the most powerful tools we have when it comes to how to deal with suffering and pain. We often say “name it to tame it.” When we accurately name what is happening and are present with it, it loses some of its oomph. That doesn’t mean it’s not awful, it’s just not as awful.

When we are living on autopilot with our minds racing ahead to worst-case futures or stuck rehearsing the past we add to our suffering. We take pain that exists in the present and we layer it with fear about tomorrow and regret about yesterday. And the weight becomes almost unbearable. As mentioned in the last blog, we begin to spiral.

But when we’re able to be fully in the present moment — just this moment, just this breath, just what is actually happening right now — we deal with only what is actually in front of us. Not the imagined future pain. Not the replayed past. Just this moment. And this moment is the only where we happen to have real agency.

That is not denial. Nor is it a spiritual bypass. We aren’t pretending everything is fine. It is the radical, countercultural practice of refusing to make your suffering worse by adding to it what isn’t even here yet or flatly ignoring what’s actually happening.

Two weeks after my mother went home to be with Jesus, I went to a concert. A song came on that I had played on repeat during her illness because it reminded me of God’s faithfulness. I stood there — no phone out, no recording, no pretending okay-ness to make the people next to me feel comfortable. I just let myself be fully present with that song and with Jesus. Tears ran down my face. I didn’t care. In that moment, being present with my grief and with God was the most healing thing I could have done. I wasn’t ahead of the pain. I wasn’t behind it. I was in it, and He was there too. And side note, no one at the concert said anything to me.

Practical Skills for Walking Through Pain

Learning how to deal with suffering and pain well is not something most of us were ever taught. We were taught to be strong. To push through. To “give it to God” without really being shown what that looks like in practice. But there are concrete, learnable skills that can help you walk through suffering without being destroyed by it.

These skills include learning to observe and describe what you’re actually experiencing — naming your emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Learning to stay in the present moment rather than projecting into feared futures. Learning to let thoughts and feelings pass through without latching onto them and fueling the spiral. Learning to problem-solve when problem-solving is possible, and to grieve fully when it isn’t.

None of this eliminates pain. I will never promise you that. But it does keep pain from compounding. It keeps suffering from becoming a prison sentence. And it keeps you connected — to yourself, to the people you love, and to the God who promised to be near. And it really does let others come alongside you to bring comfort. We aren’t supposed to do this life alone.

You Were Not Meant to White-knuckle This Alone

One of the greatest lies that suffering tells us is that we have to manage it alone. That needing help is weakness. That if our faith were stronger, we’d be handling this better. Ick for the toxic individualism many of us were taught.

We were created for community. This means asking for help is not a failure of faith nor is being authentic when things, frankly, are awful.

Whether that help comes from a trusted friend, a counselor, a pastor, or a structured set of skills you practice on your own (or all of these), receiving support when you are in pain is not weakness. Or dumb. Or shameful. It’s being gentle to yourself and seeing yourself as God sees you.

The trains will occasionally come. You don’t need to buy the ticket before it arrives. But when it does you can walk through it. It won’t be because you’ve braced hard enough or worried enough or prepared enough. It’ll be because you’ve built the skills, built authentic community, cultivated presence, and anchored yourself to the One who has already overcome. Darkness never wins; Light is always overcomes.

Ready to build the skills to walk through pain without being undone by it? We have an online course just for you. Visit tabithawestbrook.com/online-courses to learn more about the Taking Every Thought Captive course series and start practicing today. Use code RESET24 for 80% off.

Need support from a therapist or coach to help build the skills into your life? Reach out for your free, 15-minute consultation call. We can walk with you to healing.

The post How to Deal with Suffering and Pain: Stop Making an Advanced Purchase appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

One of my supervisees said something to me once that I haven’t stopped repeating since: “nice girls end up in trunks.”

She wasn’t being dramatic. She was naming something super real; something a lot of us learned the hard way. We learned the habit of being endlessly accommodating, sweet, and easy. That habit is straight up exhausting and it can actually put you in danger.

Here’s what trauma therapy has taught me: chronic niceness can be a habituated fawn response that becomes a nervous system strategy. Until we name it for what it is, we can’t change it (which is true of literally everything).

When Niceness is the Fawn Response in Disguise

Most people have heard of fight, flight, and freeze. But there’s a fourth trauma response that doesn’t get as much airtime: the fawn response. Fawning is what happens when your nervous system learns that conflict brings danger, so you default to appeasing, accommodating, and making yourself easy to be around. Essentially you learn that if you’re confronted with a bear, you make it a steak to keep it from eating you.

The fawn response can look polite on the outside while you quietly abandon yourself on the inside. It shows up as saying yes when you mean no, over-explaining your needs (oh, the things trauma teaches us), tolerating disrespect in relationships, staying silent when you should speak up, and smiling through things that are actually not okay.

This pattern shows up everywhere — in marriages, workplaces, churches, and even medical appointments. And in communities that reward being sweet, quiet, and easy (especially Christian spaces where niceness gets equated with godliness) the fawn response can go completely undetected for decades.

The cost is real: resentment, anxiety, eroded self-trust, and boundaries so weak they leave you vulnerable to coercive control.

Niceness and Kindness Are Not the Same Thing

This is one of the most important distinctions I teach, and I really want you to hear it: niceness and kindness are not the same thing.

Niceness is other-regulated, driven by the need for approval, fear of consequences, or the desperate hope that if you just keep things pleasant, nothing bad will happen. Niceness stays quiet. Niceness goes along and it smiles sweet when it should speak.

Kindness is self-sourced. It comes out of genuine care, not fear. Here’s what makes it real different: kindness is willing to tell the truth. If I am being kind to you, I might say something hard, not because I don’t love you, but precisely because I do.

Think about Jesus in John 2, flipping tables in the temple (personal fave story). In that moment, He is as much kindness and love as He is justice. He’s giving people the opportunity to see something different. That was kind. What they were doing was not. And there are a myriad of other Bible stories that model kindness that way, minus the table flipping part.

In faith-centered spaces, love without truth becomes enabling. Truth without love becomes noise (and honestly can also become spiritually abusive). Mature, healthy relationships hold both — warmth and directness, care and clarity, grace and honesty. Hmmm, sounds like dialectics (two opposite things that can be synthesized). When we stop confusing niceness with kindness, we can finally become both warm and direct at the same time. We become boundaried.

What Healthy Boundaries Actually Are (and What They’re Not)

Let’s talk about boundaries for a second, because most of us were taught them wrong.

A boundary is not an ultimatum. It is not a punishment. It is not a tool to control another person’s behavior. A boundary is simply information about what you will allow and not allow, and what you will do if a line is crossed.

Here’s the difference: “You can’t talk to me that way” is not a boundary — that’s trying to control what someone else does. “If you keep talking to me that way, I’m going to leave the room” is a boundary. You’re managing your own behavior, not theirs. That person can still talk to you however they want, you’re just not going to stick around for it.

I love to think about boundaries as fences versus walls. Sometimes you need a solid wall — a firm, non-negotiable limit with someone who has proven themselves unsafe. Oftentimes you need a fence with a gate you can open and close, depending on what’s needed in the moment. Neither is wrong, it just really depends on what’s appropriate for that relationship. Both can be wise, and sometimes in different seasons.

For survivors of domestic abuse, spiritual abuse, and coercive control, guilt around boundaries can feel overwhelming. You were trained to prioritize everyone else’s feelings above your own. But guilt is not a reliable moral compass (also, sometimes it’s false guilt, but that’s another blog). Safety matters. With safe people, healthy boundaries don’t damage relationship, they deepen it, because you are showing up more authentically.

A Practical Tool: DEAR MAN for Assertiveness

If you’re trying to find your voice and don’t know where to start, my favorite DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill, called DEAR MAN, is worth learning. It gives you a clean structure for hard conversations without overexplaining, over-apologizing, or shutting down.

Here’s how it works:

Describe the facts of the situation briefly and without judgment.

Express your emotion in a few clear words.

Assert a clear, specific ask.

Find the reward, the win-win, and explain what’s in it for both of you.

The MAN part is staying Mindful, appear Assertive, and be willing to Negotiate when that’s appropriate. And sometimes negotiation is not appropriate. We do not negotiate with terrorists (and coercive controllers or abusers are terrorists in this example).

This approach helps you regulate before you speak, keeps your ask clear and understandable (because people are not mind readers), and reduces the spiral of overexplaining that so many of us with the fawn response know all too well.

You Don’t Have to Keep Performing

Healing from the fawn response is a process, and it’s okay to need practice (as I say, “practice makes proficient”). Be kind to yourself as you learn (go back and brush up on self-compassion, if needed). The goal isn’t to become harsh or hard; it’s to trade performative niceness for honest, grounded, safe connection.

You are allowed to be both warm and direct. You are allowed to say no and still be a good person. You are allowed to set a boundary and still love someone deeply.

The trunk is not your destiny.

Ready to Go Deeper?

If this resonated with you and you recognized yourself in the fawn response and you’ve spent years being nice at the expense of being safe, you don’t have to keep figuring it out alone.

Working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach can help you identify your patterns, find your voice, and build the kind of boundaries that actually protect you, without making you someone you’re not.

If you’re ready to work with one our amazing trauma-specialized professionals and explore therapy or coaching options, reach out to us today. We’re happy to help you build skills and live a healthy, boundaried life.

The post The Fawn Response and the Difference Between Niceness and Kindness appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

If you’ve ever been told to “just stop worrying” or to “choose joy,” you already know how unhelpful that advice is. Anxiety and depression are not character flaws. Nor are they signs that your faith is weak. They are not things you can simply decide your way out of – if that were the case millions of people would do exactly that! And if you’ve been carrying either — or both — I want to start by saying this: I see how exhausting that is. You are not alone.

I also want to share something that I have seen help create some shift in my years of working as a licensed counselor — something that doesn’t require you to pretend everything is fine, doesn’t ask you to suppress what you’re feeling, and isn’t about masking your symptoms with a smile and a scripture verse. If you’ve been around at all, you know we aren’t “take two verses and call us in the morning.”

There is a cycle happening in your mind that may be quietly making your anxiety and depression worse. And once you understand it, you can begin to interrupt it.

First, Let’s Talk About What You’re Actually Carrying

Anxiety and depression are exhausting in a way that is genuinely hard to describe to someone who hasn’t experienced them. It’s not just feeling sad or feeling worried. It’s the weight of it. The relentlessness. The way it colors everything — your mornings, your relationships, your ability to enjoy things that used to bring you life.

Anxiety can feel like your brain is running a threat-detection program on a continuous loop, even when there’s no actual threat in front of you. Depression can feel like being trapped behind glass or under water — you can see your life happening, but you can’t quite reach it or feel it the way you used to. You feel like you’re drowning.

And for many Christians, there’s an added layer of confusion or shame: Shouldn’t my faith be enough? If I really trusted God, would I still feel this way? That shame spiral can make everything harder. I want to be so clear: anxiety and depression are not a faith problem. They are a whole-person experience — mind, body, and spirit — and they deserve to be addressed as such.

The Thought-Emotion Cycle (And Why It Matters)

Here’s something that most people don’t realize: your thoughts and your emotions are in a constant conversation with each other. And that conversation can either calm the storm — or feed it.

It works like this: a thought appears. Maybe it’s “Something is wrong with me,” or “This is never going to get better,” or even something as simple as noticing that a friend didn’t text back and thinking “They must be upset with me.” (As an aside, so many people assume the worst when someone reacts or doesn’t react in a way we expect, but that deserves its own blog.) That thought and the meaning we give it triggers an emotion (or a whole bunch of emotions) like fear, sadness, or shame. And those emotions? They trigger more thoughts. Which trigger more emotions. Which trigger more thoughts.

Before you know it, you’ve gone from a single unanswered text to a full spiral about your worth, your relationships, and your future — in under two minutes. Sound familiar? I know it does to me. I once sent my own therapist a meme that said, “I’m not spiraling, I’m just following a suspiciously curved path.”

This is the thought-emotion cycle. And when anxiety and depression are already present, this cycle can spin faster and go deeper than it does for someone who isn’t struggling. The thoughts feel more true. The emotions feel more permanent. And the cycle becomes harder to interrupt.

Here’s the important part: your thoughts and feelings are not always facts. I know that might be hard to hear when a thought feels absolutely, undeniably true. Additionally, feelings are not facts. They are experiences — real, valid, worth paying attention to — but they are not always an accurate picture of reality. I refer to them as data and we can be curious about it.

What Happens When We’re on Autopilot

Most of us are running this thought-emotion cycle almost entirely on autopilot, like we talked about in our last blog. We’re not choosing our thoughts deliberately. We’re not pausing to ask whether they’re accurate. We’re just reacting — thought to emotion to thought to emotion — and the anxiety and depression get to keep driving.

Research has actually shown that this kind of automatic, unexamined thinking — what we call living on autopilot — is one of the factors that allows anxiety and depression to deepen and intensify over time. When we don’t notice our thoughts, we can’t question them. When we can’t question them, we believe everything they tell us. And anxiety and depression tell us some very convincing, very unkind things.

The good news is that noticing — simply becoming aware of the cycle — is already the beginning of interrupting it.

What the Bible Has to Say About This

The instruction to “take every thought captive” from 2 Corinthians is not a command to suppress your thoughts or pretend they aren’t there. It’s an invitation to notice them — to become aware of what’s happening in your mind — and to bring those thoughts into alignment with truth.

Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. That’s not a call to toxic positivity. It’s a call to intentional attention — to practice directing our minds rather than letting our minds direct us. There are studies that show that what we focus on profoundly impacts our mood.

And Philippians 4:6-7 — the “do not be anxious” passage — is paired with a promise: that when we bring our concerns to God, the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds. Guard your minds. That language is active. It implies that our minds need guarding — and that God partners with us in that work. In a world where the news is literally a dumpster fire all the time, it can be so easy to have our thoughts and emotions focused on darkness. We have to be intentional about turning our faces away from that.

Skills That Actually Help (Not Just Cope)

Here’s what I want you to hear most: there are practical, learnable skills that can genuinely reduce anxiety and depression — not just help you white-knuckle through them.

I’ve sat with clients who came in convinced that they would always feel the way they felt. That this was just who they were. That the best they could hope for was managing symptoms. And I have watched those same people — through consistent practice of specific, evidence-based skills — experience real, lasting change. Not perfection. Not the absence of hard days. But genuine freedom that they didn’t think was possible. And yes, we also had to process traumatic experiences, but between sessions using good skills promotes healing.

One of my clients told me that practicing these skills changed everything for her. Another came in stunned to report that her blood pressure had improved — her doctor was amazed. The mind and body are deeply connected, and when we learn to work with our thoughts rather than being dragged around by them, the effects ripple out into every area of life.

Research backs this up. Practicing mindful awareness — learning to notice your thoughts and emotions without being controlled by them — for as little as 10 minutes a day over 8 weeks has been shown to literally change the structure of the brain and reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. This isn’t a trendy wellness hack. It’s neuroscience. And it’s grace.

Where Do You Start?

The first skill — the one that everything else is built on — is simply learning to notice. Not to fix, not to analyze, not to judge. Just to observe what’s happening in your mind and body in the present moment.

When a thought arises, instead of immediately believing it or reacting to it (or judging it), you can learn to pause and simply notice: There’s that thought again. Or: I’m noticing that I feel anxious right now. That small act of observation creates just enough space between the thought and your reaction that the cycle begins to lose some of its power.

It sounds almost too simple. I understand that. But I have seen it work — in my practice, in my own life, and in the lives of people who were convinced nothing would help. The skill is simple. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. But it is learnable, and that matters. Here’s a pro tip – practice noticing your thoughts and emotions when you aren’t in a spiral. That will give you really good practice and build that muscle.

You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck

If anxiety and depression have been a long-term part of your story, I want to be honest with you: this work takes time and practice. These skills are not a quick fix, and I’m not going to promise you otherwise. But they are real. They work. And you deserve to have access to them.

The abundant life that Jesus talks about — life to the full — is not a life free of struggle. But it is a life where you are not a slave to your thoughts and emotions. It’s a life where the anxiety and depression don’t get to make all the decisions. Where depression and anxiety don’t get the final word on who you are and what’s possible for you.

That kind of freedom is available to you. Not because you’ll ever be perfect at this — none of us are — but because these are skills that grow with practice. And every single time you notice a thought, pause, and choose not to let it drive the spiral, you are doing something powerful.

You are taking your thoughts captive. And that is exactly where change begins.

Ready to learn the skills in more detail? Click the link below to learn more about the Taking Every Thought Captive course series and start building skills that create real, lasting change. Use the code RESET24 to get a big discount!

And if you need some one-on-one counseling support, reach out to our expert team at The Journey and The Process. It’s okay not to be okay, and you don’t have to stay there.

The post What if the Way You’re Thinking is Making Your Anxiety and Depression Worse? appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Romance Fiction Red Flags

Last week we began unpacking the red flags we see in romantic fiction. This week we unpack the final six in our two-part series.

7. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Non-Consensual or Coercive Behavior Portrayed as Desire

In romance fiction, a partner may kiss or touch the love interest without asking. In a passion scene, they may pin the other against the wall and continue their pursuance despite hesitation. The love interest may invade her space, touch her, smell her, or kiss her without consent. These scenes are depicted as passion with the belief that he “couldn’t help himself” or couldn’t “wait” any longer since he was so in love.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is marketed as spontaneity and confidence. In media, the lack of consent is often built into this passionate, confident moment, even if one of them wasn’t ready to admit their feelings. This forced intimacy can bring them to admit their feelings. For those whose stories include blurred consent, it can echo past experiences where boundaries were not respected and violation can be confused with desire.

In Reality

In reality, consent is sexy—coercion is not. Just as a reminder, consent is a full, enthusiastic “yes.” Passion without consent is not romantic, it’s predatory. Mutual desire requires ongoing communication, autonomy, and trust. Checking in with your partner, asking permission, and respecting hesitation are all signs of genuine care and respect, not barriers to romance.

8. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Dependency Framed as Devotion

In these stories, couples become entrenched in each other’s existences. They believe their entire purpose for existing is to love and be with their person. When faced with a reality that does not include their partner, they would choose to rather die than face it. Life becomes meaningless without this person.

As readers, we may fall for this because of the craved desire to belong and be significant for someone else. When we fear abandonment, it can feel so secure to be the reason someone is living. It is intoxicating to be someone’s very reason for existing.

In Reality

In reality, this promotes enmeshment rather than healthy interdependence. Love should expand your world, not shrink it. Healthy devotion allows for both people to have separate identities, passions, friendships, and goals. Two whole people choosing each other creates a stronger foundation than two halves trying to make a whole.

9. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Power Imbalances

In romantic fiction, love can be found in the most unlikely of places—between a boss and employee, teacher and student, or an older individual with a younger person. These taboo matches feel thrilling and forbidden and make their love feel unavoidable and real.

As readers, we may fall for this because power dynamics heighten tension and fantasy. These pairings in real life are fraught with drama and intrigue—often becoming the top storylines for news, documentaries, and other media outlets. For some, being chosen by someone powerful or forbidden feels affirming; as if nothing could get in the way of them choosing you.

In Reality

In reality, power imbalances can enable exploitation or abuse under the guise of “forbidden love.” Having unchecked, unequal power dynamics can make genuine consent impossible. These relationships often involve coercion, fear, or dependency. In sustaining, lasting love, mutual respect, equality, and freely given consent are necessary. The person with more power always has a responsibility to recognize and not exploit that dynamic.

10. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Isolation from Friends and Support Systems

In romance fiction, after the couple falls in love, the love interest becomes the center of the main character’s world. They may stop hanging out with their friends, don’t tell anyone where they’re going, hide arguments, or only confide in each other. This exclusivity is framed as intimacy and a belief that, “No one else could understand.”

As readers, we may fall for this because it taps into the fantasy of being someone’s entire world. Having total devotion in a relationship feels like ultimate, all-consuming love. For trauma survivors, isolation can mimic the “specialness” or enmeshment often experienced in grooming; since this is familiar, it may feel safe. (You can learn more about grooming in our series on it.)

In Reality

In reality, isolation is one of the first warning signs of an abusive, destructive relationship. Healthy love encourages connection and autonomy, not secrecy and co-dependency. If it feels as though you cannot talk to others about your relationship, that’s not privacy—that’s control. A partner who truly loves you will encourage your friendships and celebrate your connections outside the relationship.

11. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Violence During Intimacy

In romance fiction, strangulation, slapping, or the use of dangerous items during sex is portrayed as passionate, edgy, or proof of chemistry and trust. These are often normalized in “dark romance” fictional stories without context or discussion of consent and safety. Sometimes, the aggressor is not a human, as is the case with “romantasy” stories, making boundaries even more blurry.

As readers, we may fall for this because power and surrender can feel thrilling. Adrenaline and arousal often mimic each other and can become enmeshed in our arousal structures. The taboo nature can feel exciting and transgressive.

In Reality

In reality, consensual kinks practiced within a relationship with clear communication, boundaries, and aftercare are one thing (and kink is a broad, broad term), but unexamined violence is another. When physical harm is portrayed as the height of passion—especially without negotiation, aftercare, or enthusiastic consent—it can equate danger with desire. BDSM communities emphasize consent, safety, and care; fiction often skips these crucial elements. Additionally, strangulation is never, ever safe. Often called “sexual choking” it can lead to death and is the biggest indicator that domestic abuse will become lethal. And, it should be noted, here at The Journey and The Process, we encourage clients to be curious when violence shows up in their arousal templates; oftentimes, it stems from past sexual harm. For more information, you can check out Tabitha Westbrook’s book Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control.

12. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Female Submissiveness as Virtue

In these stories, the woman is constantly deferring to her partner—emotionally, sexually, or practically—and it is described as feminine or godly devotion. She may defer to her partner because he has more experience, is of higher rank, or because she wholly trusts him. Her lack of agency or voice is portrayed as proof of her goodness or femininity.

As readers, we may fall for this because cultural or religious narratives often equate submission with love or worthiness. Being “chosen” by a strong, dominant man can feel validating and loving. Having someone take control and control the narrative can feel safe, especially for those who grew up with the burden of too much responsibility.

In Reality

In reality, true partnership and intimacy allow both people to be strong, curious, and autonomous. Submission without choice isn’t loving—it’s coercive. It’s also not submission – it’s subjugation. In these dynamics, the highlight should not be focused on how the woman submits, but whether the man is worthy of her trust and whether her submission is a free choice made from a place of power, not powerlessness. Healthy relationships evidence mutuality.

Reading Responsibly

Fiction and romance provide an escape where other worlds can be real and love can be unconditional. While many of these tropes and themes are common in fictional romance, it is important to explore the impact they can have on us as readers and what the romance fiction red flags are. Here are some ways to engage with romantic fiction more mindfully:

• Stay curious, not judgmental. If a trope or theme attracts you, ask why. Does it mirror something from your past or a wound you’re still healing from? There’s no shame in what resonates with us—curiosity helps us understand ourselves better. Many people never get curious about their arousal templates (the constellation of things that bring sexual arousal), but being curious is the pathway to beginning to understand and healing sexual harm and brokenness.
• Differentiate fantasy from desire. You can enjoy a story without wanting that dynamic in your real life. Fiction can be just that—fiction. Enjoying something on the page doesn’t mean you want or deserve it in reality. But if you are becoming habituated – used to – the fantasy and find it starting to show up in your inner world, you may want to determine whether a given book or series is for you.
• Notice your body’s response. Does a scene make you tense, anxious, or activated? That might be a cue from your nervous system. Stay curious about what these responses are telling you.
• Seek representations of healthy love. If this post resonated with you, consider exploring stories where communication, consent, and safety are just as compelling as chaos. These stories exist and can help reshape our understanding of what love can look like. In fact, there are whole series of books that depict healthy relationships and are not smarmy or dumb.
• Reflect, don’t shame. These tropes are popular because they touch deep human longings—belonging, passion, redemption, being chosen. Awareness lets us reclaim these needs and meet them in healthier ways, both in fiction and in life.

We hope this two-part series on romance fiction red flags has helped you become more curious about what you are reading. If you want to explore some of these themes and how your body responds to them or you’re curious about what exactly has gotten woven into your arousal template, we at the Journey and the Process would be happy to walk alongside you. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are here to help you thrive.

The Journey and The Process – Counseling & Coaching that helps you thrive!

The post Romance Fiction Red Flags: Unpacking Harmful Tropes in Fictional Love Stories (Part 2) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.