You Might Be the Family Scapegoat if…

• You feel like the black sheep in your family.
• You are blamed for problems that were never fully yours.
• Your mistakes are remembered longer than anyone else’s.
• Your successes are minimized, ignored, or picked apart.
• You feel emotionally excluded from your own family.
• You learned to stay quiet, shrink yourself, or over-explain to avoid criticism.
• You feel responsible for keeping the peace, even when you are hurting too. 
• You constantly feel misunderstood by the people closest to you.

You were often overlooked, ignored. Even your successes were brushed aside. You took the blame — for everything — even when it wasn’t your fault. Maybe you learned to stay small. Maybe you leaned into the role they gave you: difficult, dramatic, broken, too much. Maybe part of you started believing it. If any of this sounds familiar, you may be the family scapegoat — and you are far from alone.

You were the Scapegoat. 

The family scapegoat — often called the problem child, the bad apple, or the black sheep — is the member of the family system who can do no right and always does wrong. The scapegoated child becomes the emotional dumping ground for the entire family, carrying blame so others do not have to face their own shame, guilt, or dysfunction.

Signs You Are the Family Scapegoat

In many ways, the Scapegoat is the opposite of the Golden Child. Where the Golden Child is looked upon with expectation, the Scapegoat is monitored with suspicion.

The Scapegoat is unfairly criticized more than any other family member [6]. They are often seen to not do much right. Their successes are often overlooked, or are picked apart. Their wins are taken from them. The Scapegoat is almost always cast in a negative light. The scapegoated child may also feel ignored by their family, even if it seems they have time for each other or people outside of the family system [5]. 

Rather than accountability being taken for the treatment of the Scapegoat or the things being blamed on them, the family often justifies the situation. Parents may find excuses as to why they have deemed one child the Scapegoat through evidence of past behaviors or mistakes [5].

The Emotional Weight of Being the Family Scapegoat

Being the Scapegoat can feel incredibly isolating. They are often blamed for all the problems going on at home: the arguments, the debt, or the mental health issues [2]. They take on all of the blame of hardship within the family system, giving others the space to not feel certain uncomfortable emotions, such as shame, blame, guilt, and inadequacy. This often leads to isolation or exclusion emotionally or physically from family activities, gatherings, or conversations [6]. Siblings may separate themselves from the Scapegoat in order to not be associated with the family shame, they may even join in on the blame. 

The Scapegoat often develops their own way of managing their situation–through humor or blunt honesty. Some Scapegoats survive by disconnecting from their emotions completely, while others feel everything intensely with no safe place to put them [2]. The Scapegoat is often left to cope on their own. This emotional abandonment and isolation can create emotional and social issues in the Scapegoat’s life as a child and through adulthood. They may act out or rebel, becoming the outcast their family treats them as [8]. 

Gaslighting is a common form of abuse toward the Scapegoat. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser distorts the reality of their victim to undermine their perception of truth [6]. In the case of scapegoating, the abuser may invalidate the Scapegoat’s experiences and emotions [6]. This leaves the Scapegoat to feel confused and vulnerable. 

How the Family Scapegoat Role Is Created

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

Many who have unresolved trauma as part of their story will go on to reenact those damaging patterns in other relationships. That may be the case for family systems with scapegoating dynamics [6]. Along with this, unprocessed generational trauma can wreak havoc on family systems [4].

The Scapegoat is often selected when a family is unable to work through their problems through healthy patterns, such as communication or honesty [2]. In these families, communication is usually poor and conflicts often are left unresolved [6].

Instead, these dysfunctional families select one child and project their blame and distress onto them. The Scapegoat becomes the identified problem, something for the family to be able to fix instead of focusing on the actual issues [8]. This allows the family to seek a false sense of security or stability through maintaining “homeostasis.” [4].

Myth Busting: There is a common myth that all scapegoating happens in families that are led by a parent with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies. Keep in mind that family scapegoating is a mechanism of the system and not just a personality trait of a parent, sibling, or other family members [4]. 

Projection

Projection can be a large motivator for the presence of scapegoating behaviors in a dysfunctional family system. Projection occurs when family members assign their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors onto the Scapegoat [6]. Sometimes, parents will choose the scapegoated child based on similarities they may see in the child to their own perceived failures, slights, or insecurities–the parent may see all the things they don’t like about themselves in the scapegoated child [6].

In turn, the Scapegoat is groomed to accept all the responsibility of the family’s faults so that the abusers can escape the pain of these emotions [3, 7].

Weaponized Traits

The Scapegoat can be selected for a variety of reasons, but it is never the child’s fault. Whatever the reason, the characteristics observed in the Scapegoat were chosen out of someone else’s shame, not based on any actual deficiency in the child’s being.

The Scapegoat often has characteristics that make them stand out in their family unit, traits that the dysfunctional family weaponizes. The Scapegoat may be unique, threatening the family’s demand for conformity (e.g., neurodivergence, LGBTQ+, different political views, challenging religious views, etc.) [4]. The Scapegoat may also be chosen based on how they challenge authority or point out the dysfunctional patterns in the family [1, 6]. They are often the family member who is reacting most honestly to the dysfunction around them. They may be the one who refuses to pretend that everything is okay.

When there is a family member who has a tangible concern that brings strain on the dysfunctional family system, that makes the child more likely to be chosen as the Scapegoat. Other family members may feel the child needs the most help, therefore they are the biggest issue [2]. When more focus is already placed on the child, it is easier to put more blame on them, further alienating them from the family system [7].

Long-term Effects of Growing Up as the Family Scapegoat

Growing up as the blamed child, the Scapegoat may become an adult who struggles with their relationships with others, especially with authority [8]. The Scapegoat can grow to have trust issues and may not believe others have their best interest at heart; they may be hesitant to be vulnerable or intimate with others in fear they will be treated the same way they were growing up [7]. 

This blame causes daily emotional abandonment from those in the child’s life who are meant to care most about them, and love them unconditionally [3]. When a child is blamed long enough, they often stop questioning the blame and start questioning themselves, their worth [7]. These beliefs can lead to self-sabotage. The Scapegoat may seek out relationships that mimic these patterns in platonic, work, and romantic relationships [7]. 

Scapegoated children may develop co-dependent tendencies in their relationships, finding responsibility in managing their partner’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. They may sacrifice their own needs in order to fulfill their partner’s in an attempt to gain their love and acceptance [3]. This tendency toward co-dependency is a form of fawning, a reaction of their nervous system in survival mode. 

The scapegoated child may grow to resent their family, themselves, and in-turn, isolate themselves further [7]. They may feel the need to constantly defend themselves, existing in survival mode. They may over-explain themselves to avoid blame, or assume people will misunderstand them. The constancy of living in this heightened state can develop into symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), especially if other manipulative and destructive tactics are utilized (e.g., gaslighting, villainizing) [7]. 

These negative narratives that have been spoken over them their entire life can become the framework for how they view themselves. The Scapegoat can begin to believe that they are “worthless,” or “broken,” or “the problem.” When a child is buried in criticism and judgment, they will naturally have emotional reactions to this maltreatment. In an environment where these emotions are not accepted or safe, the child may turn them inward [3]. 

One of the biggest pieces of collateral in the Scapegoat dynamic is the child’s feeling of self-worth. Low self-worth and intense experiences of shame and guilt can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy [7]. Many scapegoated children can grow up to not fully know who they are as a person outside of the perception of family members [6]. 

What Healing Looks Like

Parents of the Scapegoat

Parents of the Scapegoat, it isn’t too late to mend this damage. There are a number of ways to create healing in the family dynamic when there is a Scapegoat present: 

• Take Accountability

There is healing in speaking the truth out loud. The Scapegoat often comes to be because of the avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. When parents take accountability for this avoidance and genuinely acknowledge that the Scapegoat is carrying things that they were never meant to carry, healing can be possible. 

• Do The Work

The Scapegoat often develops because of the unresolved trauma in the family unit. Parents of scapegoated children, this means you. It is normal for unresolved trauma to be reenacted, that does not make it okay. Seeking help and guidance in a therapist can be a great place to start.

Many of these scapegoating dynamics exist because of the avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. Learning how to sit with discomfort, failure, conflict, and honesty can allow healing to happen. 

• Accept Boundaries

Forgiveness may not be immediate, if ever present, in the healing journey with a scapegoated child. This repair can be offered through consistency, change, and boundaries. The scapegoated child may need space, distance, or silence from the family dynamic that brought so much harm. Allowing them the space to heal is honoring.

The Scapegoat

You deserve healing. None of this was ever your fault. The narratives those who were meant to love you put on you are not true. You might not know how to get out from under them. You don’t have to do it alone. 

• Setting Boundaries

The Scapegoat deserves boundaries, especially when they were rarely given. When the scapegoating dynamic is present, it is not a reflection on the child and their worth, but on the family’s dysfunction. It is okay to set boundaries with family, especially if they are not in a place to acknowledge the damage done [1].

• Reparenting Yourself

There can be so much healing in providing oneself with care, love, acceptance, and attention that was lacking in childhood [7]. Getting to know their own needs, healthy ways to self-soothe, and discovering their strengths can be healing for the Scapegoat. 

Exploring their identity outside of the family narrative can be a great way to grow. It can be healing to explore hobbies or interests that may have been dismissed by family members. Then, the Scapegoat can decide for themselves if it is something worth doing [1].

 Note: This is one of the biggest roadblocks in the Scapegoat’s healing journey. It can be difficult and feel wrong to intentionally seek themselves after being the family’s problem their whole life [8]. You are so worth knowing. It is not selfish to get to know yourself.

• Therapy & Community

Healing happens in community. Reconnecting with others can help the Scapegoat overcome the isolation and lies told to them by their dysfunctional family unit. Finding who they are among others can bring healing and growth. This community can be found in support groups, friendships, and other professional communities, such as a therapist [1]. A therapist can help the Scapegoat challenge and identify the narratives that have been woven into their identity. 

Family therapy would be beneficial for this broken dynamic, though it is doubtful that the family would agree to attend sessions [6]. 

Final Thoughts

The problem child. The bad apple. The punching bag. The rebellious one. The difficult child. The family scapegoat. Whatever name was given to you, it was never the truth of who you are.

It may have felt like you couldn’t do anything right. You may feel rotten, broken, or completely at fault. You are worth so much more than these lies that were spoken over you. You don’t have to do this alone. Healing is difficult, it can feel wrong, and completely isolating. But it is worth it, you are worth it. You were never meant to carry an entire family’s pain alone. 

If any of this is resonating with you, whether you’re the scapegoated child or the parents realizing that maybe this is something you did or are doing, and you’d like to speak with someone about it, we have a team of wonderful therapists and coaches here at the Journey and the Process who would love to walk alongside your healing journey. You don’t have to go it alone and healing is possible. We would love to walk with you! Reach out below for a free, 15-minute consultation today.

Did you miss the last blog? Grab it here!

References

[1] Alpern, P. (2024). The family scapegoat: A symptom of dysfunction. Center Psychology Group. https://www.centerpsychologygroup.com/2024/12/12/the-family-scapegoat-a-symptom-of-dysfunction/ 

[2] Embark Behavioral Health (2025). Dysfunctional Family Roles: Identifying and Addressing Them. Embark Behavioral Health. https://www.embarkbh.com/treatment/therapies/family-therapy/dysfunctional-family-roles/ 

[3] Kindera, J. (2023). Codependency & Trauma–The scapegoat unmasked. CPTSD Foundation. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/11/28/codependency-trauma-the-scapegoat-unmasked/ 

[4] Mandeville, R.C. (n.d.). Healing from family scapegoating abuse: The power of naming the unseen. Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) Recovery. https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/what-is-family-scapegoating-abuse/ 

[5] Mimms, K. (2023). Family scapegoat: Signs, effects, & How to cope. Choosing Therapy. Medically reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/family-scapegoat/ 

[6] Schwartz, A. (2025). Toxic families and the scapegoat role. Mental Health. https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/toxic-families-navigating-the-challenges-of-being-a-family-scapegoat 

[7] Smith, A. (2024). From blame to empowerment–Healing as the family scapegoat. Boston Post Adoption Resources. https://bpar.org/from-blame-to-empowerment-healing-as-the-family-scapegoat/ 

[8] Wright, A. (2026). The golden child: The burden of being the ‘easy’ one. Annie Wright. https://anniewright.com/golden-child-high-achieving-women/ 

The post The Family Scapegoat: Understanding the Black Sheep Role and How to Heal appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Hi, I’m Tabitha and I’m a recovering perfectionist. I say recovering because it’s an ongoing process, sometimes a rather frustrating one if I’m being honest.

Perfectionism is sneaky. It disguises itself as high standards, as diligence, as caring deeply about doing things well. Before you freak out and say, “Hi, we need to have some standards here” let’s flesh out what I mean. High standards and care aren’t the issue; it’s what underlies those standards. There’s a relentless inner voice that keeps a running tally of every misstep, every shortcoming, every way you didn’t quite measure up today. That voice has a favorite word:

Should.

I should be further along. I should have handled that better. I should be more patient, more productive, more consistent, more spiritual, more everything. And underneath all of that shoulding is the unspoken belief that if you just judged yourself hard enough or tried harder, you’d finally become the person you’re supposed to be. And sometimes that shoulding is encouraged by environments we exist in—maybe our home or even our church community.

Here’s what I know after years of working with clients and walking this road myself: that belief is not true. And the connection between perfectionism and anxiety is far closer than most people realize.

What “Shoulding” Actually Does to You

In therapy, as you’ve seen above, I use this phrase: shoulding on yourself. And before you laugh — or wince — let me tell you why I use it deliberately. Because it captures something true about what harsh self-judgment actually does. It doesn’t clean things up, it actually just makes a mess.

When we should on ourselves, we are essentially telling ourselves that reality is wrong. That the way things are is unacceptable or not enough or wrong. And here’s the problem with that: saying something should or should not have happened doesn’t change the fact that it did. It also doesn’t mean whatever standard we’re applying is accurate. All it really does is add a layer of shame and self-condemnation on top of whatever already happened or whatever we’re trying to accomplish.

Perfectionism and anxiety are deeply linked because the perfectionist mindset is fundamentally future-focused and fear-driven. It’s not just I want to do well. It’s If I don’t do this perfectly, something bad will happen — I’ll be exposed, I’ll disappoint people, I’ll lose something important. It also indicates a standard, and we don’t always stop to explore where we got that standard from and whether it’s reasonable or not. That underlying fear keeps the anxiety engine running constantly, even when there’s nothing actually wrong.

And when we inevitably fall short of the impossible standard the negative self-judgment kicks in. And this, of course, fuels more anxiety. Which fuels more perfectionism. It’s a cycle that feeds itself, and it is exhausting. It’s for sure not a good time.

Has Harsh Self-Judgment Ever Actually Worked?

I want to ask you something directly: Has judging yourself harshly ever produced lasting change in your life?

I’m not asking whether it has ever motivated you temporarily. Sometimes shame and self-criticism do produce short bursts of behavior change. But lasting change, the kind that actually sticks and becomes part of who you are? I have never, in all my years of practice, seen harsh self-judgment produce that.

Think about it this way: if shoulding on yourself worked, I literally would not have a job. We would all just judge ourselves into excellence and go about our days. But that’s not what happens. What actually happens is that we judge ourselves, feel shame, either shut down or overcompensate, fall short again, judge ourselves again and the cycle continues.

The harsh inner voice isn’t making you better. It’s keeping you stuck. And the perfectionism and anxiety it fuels are not a sign of high standards, they’re a sign of rigidity and potentially past wounds that need some healing.

Pride Goes Both Ways

Here’s something that tends to surprise people: thinking too lowly of yourself is just as much a form of pride as thinking too highly of yourself. Both are a form of self-focus that pulls us out of the present moment and out of genuine connection, with others, with our work, and with God.

When we are deep in the perfectionism and self-judgment cycle, we are living on autopilot (if you’ve been reading along with these past blogs, you know that autopilot doesn’t help us get where we want to go). We reacti to an internal critic rather than responding to what’s actually in front of us. We are so consumed with measuring, evaluating, and finding ourselves lacking that we can’t be fully present in our own lives. We miss what’s actually happening because we’re too busy running the internal audit.

Romans 8:1 says it plainly: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Not a little condemnation. Not condemnation except for the really big failures. No condemnation. The inner voice that keeps up the running tally of your shortcomings is not the voice of the Holy Spirit. It is not godly conviction. It is condemnation and it is not from God.

The Difference Between Conviction and Condemnation

I want to make an important distinction here, because I know this is an area where well-meaning Christians can get real confused at times. There is a difference between godly conviction and the shame spiral of perfectionism and self-judgment.

Conviction is specific. It points to a particular thought, action, or pattern and invites you toward something better. It is ultimately hopeful. It says, “This can change. You can grow. Come this way.” And then it moves on.

Condemnation is global. It doesn’t point to a behavior, it indicts your whole self. It says, “You are the problem. You are not enough. You will never be enough.” It doesn’t invite you toward growth. It pins you to the floor.

Perfectionism lives in the condemnation space. And it is worth learning to recognize the difference, not so you can ignore genuine growth opportunities, but so you can stop letting a voice that isn’t God’s (or even your own voice at times) run your internal life.

The Grace-filled Alternative to Perfectionism and Anxiety

So if harsh self-judgment doesn’t work, what does? This is the part I love, because the alternative is not lowering your standards or giving yourself a pass on everything. It is something much more powerful and far more nuanced than that.

There is an essential truth that I come back to again and again, both in my own life and in my work with clients. It holds two things together at the same time: I am doing the best I can in this moment, and I can do better. Both are true. Neither cancels out the other.

This is what theologians call sanctification—the ongoing process of being changed into the likeness of Christ. We are redeemed and we are being changed. We are accepted as we are and we are not yet who we will be. There is no room for condemnation in that process. This is the essence of the now and the not yet.

Practically, this means replacing the should with something more honest and more useful. Instead of “I should be further along,” try: “I wish I were further along, and I’m going to take one step today.” Instead of “I should have handled that better,” try: “I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to. What can I learn from it? Do I need to make a repair with someone?” The facts stay the same. The shame is removed. And the path forward opens up.

Mindful Connection: The Antidote to the Perfectionism Spiral

One of the most powerful tools for breaking the perfectionism and anxiety cycle is the practice of mindful connection. As a reminder, that’s being fully present in the moment rather than lost in the internal audit of everything you’re doing wrong. We keep our feet in this present moment instead of the shoulding of it all.

When we are present we’re able to observe what’s actually happening without layering judgment on top of it. We can notice: I made a mistake. Full stop. Not: I made a mistake, which means I’m a failure, which means I can’t be trusted, which means… Just the facts. Just the moment. Just what is.

This is not lowering the bar. This is seeing clearly. And seeing clearly, without the distortion of perfectionism and self-judgment, is actually what makes genuine growth possible. You can’t address what you can’t see accurately. And you can’t see accurately when shame is clouding the lens.

Progress, Not Perfection

I say it constantly: mindful connection, not mindful perfection. Progress, not perfection. And I say it constantly because people — especially perfectionists (including me) — need to hear it constantly. Because the inner critic is loud, and the grace-filled alternative feels unfamiliar at first.

But here’s a big take away I want you to understand: choosing progress over perfection is not giving up. It is not settling. It is not a spiritual or personal cop-out. It is the only framework in which real, lasting change actually happens. Because change requires trying, and trying requires the willingness to be imperfect in the process.

There is only one perfect person. His name is Jesus. And He didn’t come to give us a higher standard to fail at; He came to set us free. That freedom includes freedom from the tyranny of the should. Freedom from the perfectionism and anxiety cycle that keeps so many of us exhausted and stuck. Freedom to show up, imperfectly and fully, and to grow.

You are not a project to be managed. You are a person to be loved.

I invite you to stop shoulding on yourself. It isn’t working anyway. This week I invite you to take one of the more gracious positions I outlined in this blog and try it out for yourself. Notice whether it’s easier or harder depending on the topic or situation. Notice what you feel in your body as you get curious. And if you need a little support with it, reach out to us for a free, 15-minute consultation. One of our fantastic therapist or coaches would be happy to help you build these skills and those new neural pathways that go with them!

Ready to break the perfectionism and anxiety cycle and find a more grace-filled way forward? Visit tabithawestbrook.com/online-courses to learn more about the Taking Every Thought Captive course series. Use code RESET24 for 80% off.

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Hope is one of the most overused and misunderstood words in healing spaces, yet it holds surprising depth when we stop tying it to outcomes and start treating it as a way of seeing. Today we’re exploring hope as a lens grounded in reality: it requires contact with pain, not distance from it. That may sound a bit scary, but leaning in with grace toward self is vital to the experience of hope.

Betrayal of Hope

Survivors often feel betrayed by hope because it was packaged as certainty—pray harder, believe more, get the miracle. That formula is shattered where grief and trauma live. Real hope sits inside paradox: we can touch the wound and still look for light; we can act while surrendering control; we can ask God boldly and accept that the answer may not match our script. This shift recovers agency, calms the nervous system, and reframes faith as presence rather than proof.

Embodied Hope

The path to that kind of hope begins in the body. Trauma is stored somatically (soma means body), so practices that regulate physiology become spiritual and psychological care. Nature (like being outside in said nature including things like forest bathing) reduces sensory noise and offers a safe container for reflection; even a paved path can be a sanctuary. Pairing time outdoors with slow breath, bilateral music, or a simple grounding sequence trains the system to tolerate stillness without flooding. As tolerance grows, intuition returns. Many survivors were taught to distrust their inner knowing or outsource it to authority figures. Some of the authority figures were destructive and harm happened instead of healing. Learning to notice what feels peaceful, what lands in the gut with quiet clarity, and what spikes urgency is a skill that can be rebuilt. Over time, these small repetitions lay new neural pathways, turning seconds of calm into minutes of embodied presence.

Boundaries and Hope

Boundaries are the scaffolding for this work. Confusing forgiveness with reconciliation traps many in unsafe loops; forgiveness releases the perpetrator of harm to God’s care, but reconciliation requires reliable behavior over time. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. That phrase becomes a compass in relationships—romantic, pastoral, or communal. We look for patterns, not promises; for humility that honors no as a complete sentence; for repair that includes changed behavior without deadlines or pressure. In betrayal recovery, distinguishing godly sorrow from toxic shame is key. Toxic shame centers the offender’s distress and seeks relief; godly sorrow turns toward the damage caused and tolerates discomfort without demanding access. When an apology ignores a boundary, it reveals allegiance to self-comfort rather than repair.

Another essential distinction is between addiction-related harm and coercive control. All addiction is abusive in impact, yet coercive control is a worldview of entitlement where a partner is treated as property. Both cause trauma, but the posture of the heart differs, and so does the trajectory of change. For survivors, clarity often emerges when the pace slows. Space reveals whether new behaviors endure without surveillance, whether boundaries are honored when inconvenient, and whether empathy expands beyond words. Community then becomes possible again—not naive or idealized, but wise and discerning. Healthy systems welcome questions, share power, and make amends without spin; manipulative systems punish dissent and baptize control in spiritual language.

Setting the Anchor of Hope

Finally, hope needs practices that set anchor. Breath prayers offer a simple, embodied ritual that steadies the mind while soothing physiology. We can borrow a Scripture from Revelation here as an example.

Inhale: Behold. Exhale: I am making all things new.

The words are small enough to carry yet large enough to hold grief and possibility together. On days when healing feels abstract, the anchor is presence—God within, breath within, and the next right step. On days when grief swells, lament is not a failure of faith but a doorway to it. This is hope without illusions: a steady lens that faces pain, cherishes agency, trusts mystery, and keeps lighting the path until our own eyes adjust to the dawn.

Finding Hope

If you’re struggling with finding hope, we’re here to help you. We have expert therapists and coaches that will walk with you to help you to help you find real, lasting hope that is more than a feeling and more a way of living. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation.

The post Why Hope Isn’t an Outcome, It’s an Anchor appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

A common myth is that mindfulness practice equals emptying your mind. Another is that it’s inherently a Buddhist practice. In reality, mindful attention shows up across traditions, and many Christians know it shows up in biblical meditation and the psalmist’s call to be still and notice God’s presence. The aim isn’t blankness; it’s awareness. We turn toward sensation, breath, and environment to interrupt the spiral of thoughts that define our identity. You are not your thoughts. With mindful practice, you gain space to observe them, name the body’s signals, and regulate without getting swallowed by fear. This shift is especially powerful for people who’ve learned to survive by bracing against the world.

Because trauma disconnects us from our bodies, our first task is to come home to ourselves. Mindful awareness helps the brain exit fight, flight, or freeze, and it broadens your window of tolerance (the amount of stress we can handle before our bodies and brains just nope out). A practical path is the TIPP skill: tip your temperature with cold on the face to trigger a dive reflex; engage in intense exercise that is appropriate for you (listen to your body here!); use paced breathing with a longer exhale; and practice paired muscle relaxation, tensing and releasing groups to settle the system. These steps work because they change body chemistry in real time. When feelings flood, physiology-focused tools often succeed where words alone can’t reach.

Healthy mindfulness practice also encourages variety. No single tool fits every moment. Some days breath helps; other days breath feels tight and a short walk steadies you (bilateral movement is a whole, glorious thing for our nervous systems). Building a personal toolkit means testing options when you aren’t overwhelmed so you know what lands. Practice is the point, not perfection. Like training for a race, you build muscle memory during calm seasons, not during the marathon. Reps create familiarity that your body can trust. Over time, cues like “single, single, double” breathing can trigger automatic relaxation because your nervous system recognizes the pattern and prepares to settle before you finish the first exhale.

Start small with glimmers—brief sparks of goodness that anchor attention. Name the color of the sky, the warmth of light on your hands, the scent of coffee. Use the five senses and add a gentle breath between observations. And, pro tip, you can keep your eyes open if closing them feels unsafe. Choose movement, coloring, or a short stroll if stillness isn’t accessible yet. The measure of success is not silent thoughts; it’s a kinder stance toward your body. Ten mindful minutes a day for eight weeks can measurably change brain structure, lower anxiety and depression, and increase presence. With patience, compassion, and consistent practice, you can rebuild trust in your body, deepen connection with God, and find steadier ground.

If you’d like to have a video walk through and explanation of the TIPP skill you can snag that free. Just click the link below!

Next Steps

Are you finding that you can’t slow down and need some help? We’ve got you. Our amazing therapists and coaches can help you learn to slow down and get back into your body. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation.

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When EMDR May Not Be Right for You

1. You’re in an Actively Unsafe Environment

If you’re currently in an abusive, coercively controlling, or unsafe situation, your nervous system is in survival mode. To be most effective, EMDR reprocessing requires emotional safety and stability. While some aspects of reprocessing and resourcing skills from EMDR can help, full reprocessing should wait until you’re able to find safety in your environment and in your body.

2. You Struggle Significantly with Emotional Regulation or Dissociation

EMDR relies on being present while touching past memories – think of it as one foot in the present and one foot in the past. If you’re frequently dissociated or flooded with emotion, the process may become destabilizing. In those cases, stabilization work using somatic or parts-based therapies often needs to come first. This doesn’t mean you are irreparably broken at all! It just means you need a whole different modality that fits you better! Oftentimes, brainspotting works much better for folks who struggle with EMDR.

3. You’ve Had a Traumatizing Experience with EMDR Before

If a previous EMDR session left you feeling unsafe, unseen, or shattered—it’s okay to pause and try something else altogether. A bad experience doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means something wasn’t done with enough care or preparation. You don’t have to go back to EMDR unless you want to, and even then, only with a trained, trauma-informed provider who understands how to help you walk through trauma processing.

4. There Was Inadequate Preparation

EMDR isn’t just waving fingers in front of someone’s eyes or handing them some tappers. Proper preparation includes emotion regulation, safety planning, and informed consent. Without that, clients can leave sessions more activated and anxious than when they came in. We are adamant that folks are prepared for reprocessing so it’s done safely. EMDR also isn’t just the reprocessing phases – it’s a whole process that begins from the first time you meet with your therapist.

5. You Have a Neurological Condition

Some clients with traumatic brain injuries, epilepsy, or other neurological issues may not be candidates for traditional EMDR eye movements or even bilateral stimulation using another method like tappers or audio. The good news is there are always other treatments that are great – like brainspotting, IFS, somatic experiencing, etc. We’ll talk about all those in just a moment!

6. You Just Don’t Like It

You don’t need to justify disliking a therapy method. If EMDR isn’t working for you or feels uncomfortable, you can say no. Therapy is a collaboration—not a command. Your feedback matters. You can always ask for or find something else!

Therapy Alternatives When EMDR Isn’t a Fit

Thankfully, EMDR is just one of many evidence-based trauma therapies. Here are several alternatives that can be equally powerful—sometimes more so, depending on your needs.

🧠 Brainspotting

Developed out of EMDR, Brainspotting uses a fixed gaze point to access deep, subcortical parts of the brain. It’s gentler for some clients and ideal for those who struggle with visualization or bilateral stimulation. It’s also less directive in some ways than EMDR which some clients prefer.

🌀 Somatic Experiencing

This body-based therapy helps release trauma stored in the nervous system. It teaches you to notice and regulate bodily sensations, which is foundational for many trauma survivors.

🧩 Internal Family Systems (IFS)

IFS focuses on the different “parts” within us—protective, wounded, reactive—and helps integrate them into a whole. It’s especially useful when dealing with complex or developmental trauma.

📖 Narrative Focused Trauma Care (NFTC)

Narrative-focused trauma care helps you see new things in your story, especially when developmental or childhood trauma is present. This helps you come from a place of compassion and clarity. It’s deeply healing when done in the context of safe therapeutic support or even a group setting.

Your Therapy Should Work for You

As trauma therapists, we want our clients to feel empowered in the therapy process. If you don’t like something or want to try a new modality, please speak up. You’re the expert on you.

If you’re a therapist listening in, remember: our clients are not cookie-cutter. If EMDR isn’t working, it’s not a failure—it’s a cue to reach for another tool.

You deserve therapy that feels safe, personalized, and healing. Because trauma doesn’t get the last word—hope does.

Are you ready to see what therapy fits best for you? We’ve got your back. Reach out today.

Want to Hear More? Watch the full podcast episode!

The post When EMDR Isn’t the Right Fit: What Trauma Survivors and Therapists Need to Know appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.