Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has become an easy target in online trauma spaces, and some of that criticism is earned. CBT is structured talk therapy built around the link between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and it is heavily researched and widely covered by insurance. The problem starts when people treat CBT like a universal solvent for suffering. Trauma is not just a “thinking problem”; it lives in the nervous system, in attachment wounds, and in the body’s survival responses. If therapy ignores felt safety, minimizes real harm, or rushes to “challenge thoughts” while someone is still in danger, CBT can feel cold, overly intellectual, and invalidating. Done well, though, CBT becomes a practical tool inside a larger trauma-informed therapy plan.

What is helpful about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

A core strength of CBT is helping people notice automatic thoughts, especially automatic negative thoughts (often called ANTs). Many trauma survivors can “spiral” at lightning speed, jumping from a stressor to catastrophic outcomes because the brain is trying to predict threats and self-protect. Slowing that process down is powerful: noticing the thought, checking whether it is accurate, and choosing what to do next. CBT also gives language for what is happening in the mind, engaging the prefrontal cortex (our thinky thinky parts) so we can make meaning rather than being carried by alarm signals alone (our feely feely parts). The key nuance is that some negative thoughts are accurate. If you are in an abusive or coercively controlling relationship, fear may be a wise signal, not a cognitive distortion. Therapy must honor reality, increase safety, and support the body, not argue someone out of valid danger.

That is where “third wave CBT” approaches can shine, especially dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). DBT skills such as mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness can give trauma survivors options when their nervous system is overwhelmed. ACT adds room for values, acceptance, and committed action when life is hard and pain is real. Most importantly, these approaches can integrate somatic therapy concepts: what you notice in your body when a belief shows up, where shame lives physically, and how the nervous system shifts during stress. Many clinicians also pair cognitive work with body-based trauma methods like EMDR, brainspotting, internal family systems, and somatic experiencing, which help reprocess traumatic memories and the negative beliefs attached to them.

What is Trauma-informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Trauma-informed CBT takes into account what we know to be true about trauma and doesn’t bypass pain or minimize the harm someone has experienced. A trauma-informed CBT mindset also respects faith without spiritual bypassing. For people who connect mental health and Christian faith, identity beliefs matter deeply, but not in a “take two verses and call me in the morning” way. The whole person – mind, body, and spirit – is tended to in the healing process. As we often say here, we are not just brains on a stick.

If trauma planted the belief “I am worthless,” true healing will involve both cognitive and somatic work: naming the belief, tracking sensations, understanding where it came from, and gradually moving toward a truer, grounded belief about worth, safety, and strength. Practical tools include tracking thoughts, urges, behaviors, emotions, and sensations to find patterns before a harmful coping strategy takes over. When you can see the ditch your mind keeps flowing into, you can start backfilling it with new skills, support, and safer choices over time. Cognitive behavioral therapy is not the whole answer for trauma, but used wisely, it can be a valuable healing tool and a steady, empowering part of whole-person trauma therapy.

Your Next Best Step

We are passionate about providing the best, most comprehensive care to those who are healing. If you want to learn more about the whole-person therapy and coaching we offer or want to connect with one of our amazing therapists or coaches, reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. We’d love to help you heal and be your truest, most whole self.

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Coercive control is a much better name for domestic abuse, domestic violence, or interpersonal violence because many people still picture abuse as only physical or sexual violence. The reality is that coercive control is a sustained pattern of power and control that slowly erodes another person’s autonomy, agency, and sense of self. It can look “subtle” or even invisible on the outside while feeling suffocating inside the relationship. The core issue is not conflict or a “bad marriage,” but a repeated system where one person’s preferences, needs, and voice get treated as irrelevant. Understanding coercive control helps survivors name what is happening, trust their perceptions again, and begin rebuilding safety, dignity, and emotional clarity.

A key distinction is the difference between a one-off hurtful moment and a repeating pattern. Everyone can speak sharply or act selfishly at times, then feel guilt, repair the harm, and take responsibility. To put it mildly, we can all be jerks now and again. Coercive control, by contrast, repeats and escalates. It often includes grooming behaviors that present as charm, devotion, or protectiveness while narrowing the victim’s choices over time. Many survivors describe a “captivity funnel” effect: the relationship starts wide with freedom and slowly tightens through pressure, dependency, and fear. Common tactics include gaslighting, rewriting reality, minimizing, and convincing the victim that their memory is unreliable, which can create chronic anxiety and constant self doubt.

Coercive control also shows up through spiritual abuse in Christian contexts, when someone weaponizes faith, Scripture, or religious authority to demand compliance. It can sound like “God wants you to submit” or “don’t question the Lord’s anointed,” especially when the controlling person is a pastor, leader, or highly respected figure. This fosters dependency and isolation by implying that safety and belonging require silence. Other coercive control behaviors include monitoring phones, location, and finances; restricting access to food, clothing, healthcare, or work; cutting off friends and support systems; and using emotional punishment like the silent treatment or withdrawal of affection to force behavior. Over time, the victim’s world becomes smaller and the cost of disagreement feels dangerously high.

Consent is another critical area. Sexual coercion can occur without overt force, including persistent badgering, guilt, threats of withdrawal, or spiritualized pressure about “wifely duties.” Assent is not consent; true consent is freely given and enthusiastic without manipulation. When a person cannot control their yes because they are worn down or afraid of consequences, that is not a genuine agreement. Naming these dynamics matters because coercive control thrives on confusion. Survivors often ask, “How did I get here?” The answer is usually incremental escalation paired with tactics that keep the victim off balance.

Coercive control is not only psychologically damaging; it is physically harmful. Chronic stress changes the body through neurochemicals and inflammation, increasing risk for health problems over time. That is why we are adamant that all abuse is physical abuse, even when no one is hit. If you suspect coercive control, don’t panic. Get curious, gather data, and think about safety, because asking questions and setting boundaries can increase risk. Seek support from trained advocates and therapists who understand domestic abuse dynamics. If you fear you may be the controlling person, change is possible but requires ownership, accountability, and individual work rather than couples counseling. The path forward involves radical honesty, repentance, and sustained effort to become a safe person who no longer needs control to feel secure.

Don’t go this alone. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. We are here to help heal – whether you are the controlled or the controller. One of our amazing therapists or coaches is happy to walk with you in healing.

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Life sometimes stacks itself into heavy weeks where the nervous system sprints from one alarm to the next. When that happens, most of us try to push through, only to find our focus fades and our bodies tighten. This conversation invites a slower, kinder approach: grounded awareness paired with small, repeatable actions that turn survival down and safety up. Rather than waiting for a crisis to pass, we can build skills that help us return to regulation. The heart of the method is consent and curiosity. Every practice is an invitation, and data from your body guides the next step. That stance alone reduces pressure and opens space for change.

Dysregulation Toolkit Skill 1 – Name Your State

First, name what state you are in: calm, activated, disconnected, or shut down. Naming is not a fix; it is a map. If calm is present, deepen it with a self-hug, a gentle smile, or a longer exhale that reminds the body it is safe. If activation spikes, lengthen the exhale and soften the jaw. If disconnection lingers, reach out to a safe person or add small movements like wiggling your toes or walking the room. These micro-practices nudge physiology, not by force, but by giving the body a plausible path toward steadiness. Experiment briefly, notice what shifts, and keep what works. Over time, those choices wire faster pathways back to regulation.

Next, create a 911 card for the moments when your “thinky thinky brain” goes offline. This simple list lives on an index card or in your phone with a clear label you can find fast. Include three to seven items that you know help: one breath pattern, one movement, one connection action, one compassionate phrase, one sensory anchor, and one glimmer prompt. The goal is not perfection; it is reachability under stress. When everything feels like too much, the 911 card cuts decision fatigue and reminds you that you do have tools, even if memory fogs. Add specifics, like the name of the friend you will text or the exact playlist you will start, so you can press go without thinking.

Dysregulation Toolkit Skill 2 – Dial it Up

Imagery helps too. Picture three internal dials: calm, compassion, and connection. Bring to mind a mildly stressful scenario and imagine turning up calm like a volume knob, then notice sensations that change. Do the same with compassion, adding warmth to your inner voice and releasing harsh self-judgment. Finally, turn up connection to your truest self and, if it fits your faith, to the presence of God. These dials translate an abstract goal into a concrete action your brain can rehearse, making it easier to access under pressure. Some people even buy a small toy with a turning wheel to anchor the practice. Tactile cues turn imagination into muscle memory.

Dysregulation Toolkit Skill 3 – Find the Glimmers

Glimmers are the counterweight to triggers: small sparks of goodness that create pleasant activation. Train your attention to find them—a ray of light on a wall, a lyric that lands, a sip of warm tea—and then savor for a few breaths. Savoring stretches the nervous system’s capacity to hold safety. Music can amplify this. Build a playlist that starts where you are—heavy when you feel heavy, bright when you feel flat—and then gradually transitions into calmer or happier tracks. As the music shifts, your body often follows. Try it linearly, then shuffle and journal the difference. Over time, you’ll learn which songs reliably steer you toward ease.

None of this demands that you never dysregulate. Life gets lifey, and stress is part of being human. The goal is to shorten the distance between activation and repair. Speak to yourself like you would to a friend. If compassion feels impossible, start smaller: “I am learning to be kind to myself.” Place a hand over your heart and take a slow inhale through the nose and an even longer exhale out the mouth. Notice what changes, even if it is subtle. These are not quick fixes but repeatable routes home. With practice, your toolkit grows, your confidence returns, and regulation becomes a place you can find more often and come back to more quickly.

What if I Need Support?

We’ve got you. Sometimes we need help building out our toolkit. We have amazing therapists and coaches that can walk with you and help you build an amazing toolkit tailored just to you. Reach out for your free, 15-minute consultation and get equipped!

The post Finding Your Calm: A Dysregulation Toolkit appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Romance Fiction – Part 1

Falling in love through romance fiction is a common pastime for many creatives and story-lovers alike. We read of star-crossed lovers defying the odds, of enemies-to-lovers who choose each other despite their flaws, and friends who find each other to be so much more. Fictional stories offer us a reprieve from the mundane or difficult in our daily lives.

While it can be a wonderful thing to escape into a story, it is important to recognize some of the problematic and destructive behaviors that are often romanticized in these narratives. In this two-part series, we’ll explore common romance tropes that normalize unhealthy relationship dynamics, examine why they resonate with us, and discuss what healthy love actually looks like. Today we’re going to start with the first six romance fiction red flags.

1. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Love Cures All

In stories, it is often romanticized that love from a romantic partner can “heal” someone’s deepest wounds and traumas. When the love interests find each other, it is as if the bounds of their previous pain no longer bind them. All that matters is that they found love, and from then on, they are a healed version of themselves.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is a comforting belief to think love can erase pain. In many ways, it feels as though connection and unconditional acceptance is what can heal what feels broken within us. If someone else views us as lovable and savable, then perhaps we are. For those who have experienced trauma, this idea can validate the longing to be fully seen and accepted, without having to do the hard work of healing.

In Reality

In reality, this view minimizes the need for therapy, growth, and self-work. Love is a wonderful support for healing, but it cannot do the healing for us. Healthy relationships can create a safe space where healing becomes possible, and experiencing consistent care can teach us what love should feel like. However, expecting a partner to cure trauma or other wounds can lead to disappointment or destructive patterns in the relationship, like co-dependency. The relationship provides the support; the individual must do the work.

2. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Ignoring Boundaries as Persistence

In these stories, there is a romanticized gesture of the love interest continuing to show up and pursue the main character, even if she says, “No.” It is framed as devotion and persistence. Even if she doesn’t fall for him first, he just “knew they were meant to be” and refuses to “give up on her.” He may show up at her place of work, leave her gifts at her door, or continue to call her after she asks for space.

As readers, we may fall for this because persistence and confidence can be flattering. To know someone is so entirely confident in their love for you that there are no boundaries to what they will do to be with you can feel special. Often, we are taught that being pursued equates to being valued. For those whose stories have been framed by conditional or inconsistent love, the idea of someone refusing to give up on them can feel like proof of their worth.

In Reality

In reality, the disregard of boundaries is not romance—it’s disrespect. In a healthy pursuit, autonomy and choice are honored. If someone keeps pushing after a “No,” it is not passion, it’s entitlement. This normalizes stalking, coercion, and emotionally manipulative behaviors. True devotion respects your right to say no and trusts that if it’s meant to be, it will happen with mutual consent.

3. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Possessive Behaviors

In romance fiction, the love interest may display possessive behaviors through constantly monitoring the main character’s location, who they are with, and what they are doing. They may become angry, violent, or incensed at the idea of anyone else’s attention being on the main character. They may use the phrase, “You’re mine,” as a way to claim their deep devotion and love.

As readers, we may fall for this because possession can be mistaken for protection. It can feel comforting for someone to take charge. For people whose stories have caregivers who did not protect them, or partners who deliberately hurt them, having a partner who is undeniably devoted can feel safe. Being claimed can feel an awful lot like reassurance.

In Reality

In reality, possessive behaviors are rooted in insecurity, jealousy, and ownership—not connection, love, and trust. These possessive behaviors are not protective, but rather coercive. True love does not require ownership, surveillance, or control. True love trusts and allows freedom.

4. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Jealousy as Proof of Love

In romantic fiction, jealous outbursts are often portrayed as proof of passion. The jealous partner may become violent when faced with a competitor. They may storm away from the main character, later declaring their undying love. This reaction can stem from benign encounters, such as the main character talking to another man or smiling at someone else.

As readers, we may fall for this since jealousy can be confused with intensity and passion. Jealousy can look a lot like love rather than insecurity. When someone becomes incensed at the mere thought of losing you, it’s understandable to feel a certain level of safety. For those who have been cheated on or overlooked in past relationships, this unhinged devotion can feel secure.

In Reality

In reality, jealousy is a normal and very human feeling, but it is our responsibility to regulate it and never weaponize it. In healthy relationships, jealousy is communicated and navigated, not glamorized and weaponized. When jealousy manifests as control or rage, it moves from being a vulnerable emotion to being emotionally manipulative and potentially dangerous.

5. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Emotional Turmoil as Chemistry

In these stories, couples often experience constant arguing, break-ups, and emotional whiplash. It is rare to find a couple that is steady and consistent; truly, it may not make for a good story if they were completely healthy. The couples fight hard, love hard, and the chaos is marketed as proof of their connection and passion.

A common trope that highlights emotional turmoil as chemistry is the miscommunication trope. In fiction, the plot may rely on constant misunderstandings, withheld information, or one partner manipulating the other’s perception of reality. One partner might lie about their identity, hide crucial information, or deliberately mislead the other “for their own good.” These interactions are often brushed off as tension or drama, with the intended purpose of driving the plot forward. When taken to an extreme, this becomes gaslighting—making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

As readers, we may fall for this because adrenaline can feel like chemistry. For those who grew up associating love with inconsistency or anxiety, calm and steady relationships can feel boring. Chaos, on the other hand, feels familiar and it feels exciting. The makeup after the fight can feel intensely intimate, creating an addictive cycle.

In Reality

In reality, emotional chaos is not chemistry and love does not have to be hard to be worth it. While all couples have disagreements, constant turmoil is exhausting and damaging. Gaslighting is psychological abuse—it erodes self-trust, leaving you dependent on the abuser for truth. True intimacy feels safe, steady, and often uneventful. Peace can be love’s most powerful evidence.

6. Romance Fiction Red Flag: “Fixing” the Brooding/Dangerous Partner

In this type of fiction, the emotionally unavailable, angry, and self-destructive man may “soften” only for her. She—and their love—become the only reason for his change. He may approach others with an, “I hate everyone except you,” attitude. This dynamic is often found in the grumpy-sunshine trope in which he is the grumpy, sulky character and she is a human ray of sunshine. He may have extreme anger or hostility that is only calmed by her voice, presence, or touch.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is the fantasy of redemption. It mirrors our own wish to be the exception. It is a common misconception that women believe, “I can save him,” and these stories are proof of the possibility. It is tempting and romantic to think that our love could rewrite someone’s story, someone’s pain. For caretakers and survivors, this can mirror old patterns of earning love through healing others.

In Reality

In reality, this encourages caretaking behavior and self-abandonment. It is not possible to heal someone who does not want to heal; it is up to them to do the hard work and face their pain. Love can inspire and foster change and growth, but it cannot create it. Real transformation requires accountability and choice, not saviors. You cannot love someone into wellness, and trying to do so will deplete you.

Where Do You See These Red Flags?

These are some of the romance fiction red flags. As you read these did any stand out as being part of your favorite novel? We aren’t trying to shame you, but we do want you to be aware! Our next post will talk more about how to read responsibly, but in the interim if you’re recognizing some of these patterns in your real relationships we’re here to help. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are honored to walk alongside you in your exploration and curiosity. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation to see how we can help you.

The Journey and The Process – Counseling and Coaching that helps you thrive!

The post Romance Fiction Red Flags: Unpacking Harmful Tropes in Fictional Love Stories (Part 1) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

The internet is flooded with content about “narcissistic abuse.” A simple search reveals countless YouTube channels, podcasts, and articles dedicated to this single term. While it’s become a convenient shorthand in our cultural lexicon, labeling an abusive partner as a “narcissist” or “covert narc” or “narc” may be one of the most counterproductive ways to understand what’s really happening in toxic relationships. As a licensed trauma therapists specializing in domestic abuse, we’ve observed how this terminology misleads survivors and potentially puts them at greater risk.

When we frame coercive control as “narcissism,” we inadvertently shift focus from dangerous behaviors to a potential personality disorder diagnosis. This misdirection can lead survivors down rabbit holes searching for ways to “fix” their partner’s behaviors rather than recognizing the inherent danger of the situation. In faith-based communities especially, framing abuse as a personality disorder can reinforce dangerous beliefs that with enough prayer, therapy, or patience, the abuser will change. This misunderstanding keeps victims trapped in cycles of hope and disappointment while enduring ongoing harm.

What we’re often witnessing isn’t simply narcissism but coercive control – a pattern of psychological and emotional domination used to systematically maintain power over a partner. Coercive control operates through tactics like isolation, monitoring movements, gaslighting, financial restriction, and creating unpredictable environments where victims constantly walk on eggshells. This is far beyond mere self-focus or narcissistic tendencies; it’s what we describe as “battery of the soul” – a comprehensive pummeling of someone’s personhood and autonomy.

Why Words Matter

The distinction matters tremendously for safety reasons. When coercive control is framed as narcissistic abuse, it minimizes the potential danger. Coercive control, by contrast, is recognized as inherently dangerous even without obvious physical violence. This recognition is critical because abusive relationships can escalate to deadly in an instant. Safety planning becomes paramount when we correctly identify coercive control, whereas labeling someone a “narcissist” or “narcissistic” may lead victims and professionals alike to underestimate risk levels.

Using proper terminology also matters in legal contexts. When victims use terms like “narcissist” or “narcissistic abuse” in court proceedings without an official diagnosis (which most therapists cannot provide for someone they haven’t assessed), they risk being labeled as “high conflict” themselves. Courts may dismiss their concerns as exaggerations or character attacks. Conversely, many states now include coercive control language in their domestic violence laws, making this terminology much more effective in legal settings.

Perhaps most concerning is how the narcissism framework affects treatment approaches. It often leads to couples counseling, which can be actively dangerous in coercively controlling relationships. The abuser typically manipulates therapy settings, weaponizing vulnerabilities revealed during sessions and using the therapist’s neutrality to further gaslight the victim and then weaponize the victim’s vulnerability. Rather than couples counseling, these situations require individual trauma-informed therapy for the victim and high-accountability intervention for the perpetrator.

What to Do if This Sounds Like Your Relationship

If you recognize the signs of coercive control in your relationship – walking on eggshells, being punished for disagreement, having your faith or past trauma weaponized against you, or feeling constantly afraid – know that you deserve safety, respect, and freedom. This isn’t about diagnosing your partner but about accurately understanding your situation so you can take appropriate steps toward safety. Connect with advocates who specialize in domestic abuse (like those at Called to Peace Ministries), find trauma-informed therapists who understand coercive control dynamics, and develop a safety plan that addresses your specific circumstances.

The language we use shapes how we understand and respond to abuse. By moving beyond the narcissism framework to recognize coercive control for what it is, we empower survivors with clarity, appropriate resources, and paths to safety that truly address the dynamics they’re experiencing. You don’t need a diagnosis to justify the pain of abuse – you simply deserve to be free from it.

Next Steps

We specialize treating trauma, including helping people heal from coercively controlling abusive relationships. All therapists, counselors, life coaches, and interns are trained domestic abuse advocates, as well as trained in the best evidence-based modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, internal family systems, and somatic experiencing. Our biblical counselors & life coaches also can help you craft a new life as you heal.

Don’t wait one more day to find freedom and healing. Reach out for your free, 15-minute discovery call today.

Watch the Hey Tabi podcast episode where Founder & CEO discusses this topic.

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