Life sometimes stacks itself into heavy weeks where the nervous system sprints from one alarm to the next. When that happens, most of us try to push through, only to find our focus fades and our bodies tighten. This conversation invites a slower, kinder approach: grounded awareness paired with small, repeatable actions that turn survival down and safety up. Rather than waiting for a crisis to pass, we can build skills that help us return to regulation. The heart of the method is consent and curiosity. Every practice is an invitation, and data from your body guides the next step. That stance alone reduces pressure and opens space for change.

Dysregulation Toolkit Skill 1 – Name Your State

First, name what state you are in: calm, activated, disconnected, or shut down. Naming is not a fix; it is a map. If calm is present, deepen it with a self-hug, a gentle smile, or a longer exhale that reminds the body it is safe. If activation spikes, lengthen the exhale and soften the jaw. If disconnection lingers, reach out to a safe person or add small movements like wiggling your toes or walking the room. These micro-practices nudge physiology, not by force, but by giving the body a plausible path toward steadiness. Experiment briefly, notice what shifts, and keep what works. Over time, those choices wire faster pathways back to regulation.

Next, create a 911 card for the moments when your “thinky thinky brain” goes offline. This simple list lives on an index card or in your phone with a clear label you can find fast. Include three to seven items that you know help: one breath pattern, one movement, one connection action, one compassionate phrase, one sensory anchor, and one glimmer prompt. The goal is not perfection; it is reachability under stress. When everything feels like too much, the 911 card cuts decision fatigue and reminds you that you do have tools, even if memory fogs. Add specifics, like the name of the friend you will text or the exact playlist you will start, so you can press go without thinking.

Dysregulation Toolkit Skill 2 – Dial it Up

Imagery helps too. Picture three internal dials: calm, compassion, and connection. Bring to mind a mildly stressful scenario and imagine turning up calm like a volume knob, then notice sensations that change. Do the same with compassion, adding warmth to your inner voice and releasing harsh self-judgment. Finally, turn up connection to your truest self and, if it fits your faith, to the presence of God. These dials translate an abstract goal into a concrete action your brain can rehearse, making it easier to access under pressure. Some people even buy a small toy with a turning wheel to anchor the practice. Tactile cues turn imagination into muscle memory.

Dysregulation Toolkit Skill 3 – Find the Glimmers

Glimmers are the counterweight to triggers: small sparks of goodness that create pleasant activation. Train your attention to find them—a ray of light on a wall, a lyric that lands, a sip of warm tea—and then savor for a few breaths. Savoring stretches the nervous system’s capacity to hold safety. Music can amplify this. Build a playlist that starts where you are—heavy when you feel heavy, bright when you feel flat—and then gradually transitions into calmer or happier tracks. As the music shifts, your body often follows. Try it linearly, then shuffle and journal the difference. Over time, you’ll learn which songs reliably steer you toward ease.

None of this demands that you never dysregulate. Life gets lifey, and stress is part of being human. The goal is to shorten the distance between activation and repair. Speak to yourself like you would to a friend. If compassion feels impossible, start smaller: “I am learning to be kind to myself.” Place a hand over your heart and take a slow inhale through the nose and an even longer exhale out the mouth. Notice what changes, even if it is subtle. These are not quick fixes but repeatable routes home. With practice, your toolkit grows, your confidence returns, and regulation becomes a place you can find more often and come back to more quickly.

What if I Need Support?

We’ve got you. Sometimes we need help building out our toolkit. We have amazing therapists and coaches that can walk with you and help you build an amazing toolkit tailored just to you. Reach out for your free, 15-minute consultation and get equipped!

The post Finding Your Calm: A Dysregulation Toolkit appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Romance Fiction – Part 1

Falling in love through romance fiction is a common pastime for many creatives and story-lovers alike. We read of star-crossed lovers defying the odds, of enemies-to-lovers who choose each other despite their flaws, and friends who find each other to be so much more. Fictional stories offer us a reprieve from the mundane or difficult in our daily lives.

While it can be a wonderful thing to escape into a story, it is important to recognize some of the problematic and destructive behaviors that are often romanticized in these narratives. In this two-part series, we’ll explore common romance tropes that normalize unhealthy relationship dynamics, examine why they resonate with us, and discuss what healthy love actually looks like. Today we’re going to start with the first six romance fiction red flags.

1. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Love Cures All

In stories, it is often romanticized that love from a romantic partner can “heal” someone’s deepest wounds and traumas. When the love interests find each other, it is as if the bounds of their previous pain no longer bind them. All that matters is that they found love, and from then on, they are a healed version of themselves.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is a comforting belief to think love can erase pain. In many ways, it feels as though connection and unconditional acceptance is what can heal what feels broken within us. If someone else views us as lovable and savable, then perhaps we are. For those who have experienced trauma, this idea can validate the longing to be fully seen and accepted, without having to do the hard work of healing.

In Reality

In reality, this view minimizes the need for therapy, growth, and self-work. Love is a wonderful support for healing, but it cannot do the healing for us. Healthy relationships can create a safe space where healing becomes possible, and experiencing consistent care can teach us what love should feel like. However, expecting a partner to cure trauma or other wounds can lead to disappointment or destructive patterns in the relationship, like co-dependency. The relationship provides the support; the individual must do the work.

2. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Ignoring Boundaries as Persistence

In these stories, there is a romanticized gesture of the love interest continuing to show up and pursue the main character, even if she says, “No.” It is framed as devotion and persistence. Even if she doesn’t fall for him first, he just “knew they were meant to be” and refuses to “give up on her.” He may show up at her place of work, leave her gifts at her door, or continue to call her after she asks for space.

As readers, we may fall for this because persistence and confidence can be flattering. To know someone is so entirely confident in their love for you that there are no boundaries to what they will do to be with you can feel special. Often, we are taught that being pursued equates to being valued. For those whose stories have been framed by conditional or inconsistent love, the idea of someone refusing to give up on them can feel like proof of their worth.

In Reality

In reality, the disregard of boundaries is not romance—it’s disrespect. In a healthy pursuit, autonomy and choice are honored. If someone keeps pushing after a “No,” it is not passion, it’s entitlement. This normalizes stalking, coercion, and emotionally manipulative behaviors. True devotion respects your right to say no and trusts that if it’s meant to be, it will happen with mutual consent.

3. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Possessive Behaviors

In romance fiction, the love interest may display possessive behaviors through constantly monitoring the main character’s location, who they are with, and what they are doing. They may become angry, violent, or incensed at the idea of anyone else’s attention being on the main character. They may use the phrase, “You’re mine,” as a way to claim their deep devotion and love.

As readers, we may fall for this because possession can be mistaken for protection. It can feel comforting for someone to take charge. For people whose stories have caregivers who did not protect them, or partners who deliberately hurt them, having a partner who is undeniably devoted can feel safe. Being claimed can feel an awful lot like reassurance.

In Reality

In reality, possessive behaviors are rooted in insecurity, jealousy, and ownership—not connection, love, and trust. These possessive behaviors are not protective, but rather coercive. True love does not require ownership, surveillance, or control. True love trusts and allows freedom.

4. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Jealousy as Proof of Love

In romantic fiction, jealous outbursts are often portrayed as proof of passion. The jealous partner may become violent when faced with a competitor. They may storm away from the main character, later declaring their undying love. This reaction can stem from benign encounters, such as the main character talking to another man or smiling at someone else.

As readers, we may fall for this since jealousy can be confused with intensity and passion. Jealousy can look a lot like love rather than insecurity. When someone becomes incensed at the mere thought of losing you, it’s understandable to feel a certain level of safety. For those who have been cheated on or overlooked in past relationships, this unhinged devotion can feel secure.

In Reality

In reality, jealousy is a normal and very human feeling, but it is our responsibility to regulate it and never weaponize it. In healthy relationships, jealousy is communicated and navigated, not glamorized and weaponized. When jealousy manifests as control or rage, it moves from being a vulnerable emotion to being emotionally manipulative and potentially dangerous.

5. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Emotional Turmoil as Chemistry

In these stories, couples often experience constant arguing, break-ups, and emotional whiplash. It is rare to find a couple that is steady and consistent; truly, it may not make for a good story if they were completely healthy. The couples fight hard, love hard, and the chaos is marketed as proof of their connection and passion.

A common trope that highlights emotional turmoil as chemistry is the miscommunication trope. In fiction, the plot may rely on constant misunderstandings, withheld information, or one partner manipulating the other’s perception of reality. One partner might lie about their identity, hide crucial information, or deliberately mislead the other “for their own good.” These interactions are often brushed off as tension or drama, with the intended purpose of driving the plot forward. When taken to an extreme, this becomes gaslighting—making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

As readers, we may fall for this because adrenaline can feel like chemistry. For those who grew up associating love with inconsistency or anxiety, calm and steady relationships can feel boring. Chaos, on the other hand, feels familiar and it feels exciting. The makeup after the fight can feel intensely intimate, creating an addictive cycle.

In Reality

In reality, emotional chaos is not chemistry and love does not have to be hard to be worth it. While all couples have disagreements, constant turmoil is exhausting and damaging. Gaslighting is psychological abuse—it erodes self-trust, leaving you dependent on the abuser for truth. True intimacy feels safe, steady, and often uneventful. Peace can be love’s most powerful evidence.

6. Romance Fiction Red Flag: “Fixing” the Brooding/Dangerous Partner

In this type of fiction, the emotionally unavailable, angry, and self-destructive man may “soften” only for her. She—and their love—become the only reason for his change. He may approach others with an, “I hate everyone except you,” attitude. This dynamic is often found in the grumpy-sunshine trope in which he is the grumpy, sulky character and she is a human ray of sunshine. He may have extreme anger or hostility that is only calmed by her voice, presence, or touch.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is the fantasy of redemption. It mirrors our own wish to be the exception. It is a common misconception that women believe, “I can save him,” and these stories are proof of the possibility. It is tempting and romantic to think that our love could rewrite someone’s story, someone’s pain. For caretakers and survivors, this can mirror old patterns of earning love through healing others.

In Reality

In reality, this encourages caretaking behavior and self-abandonment. It is not possible to heal someone who does not want to heal; it is up to them to do the hard work and face their pain. Love can inspire and foster change and growth, but it cannot create it. Real transformation requires accountability and choice, not saviors. You cannot love someone into wellness, and trying to do so will deplete you.

Where Do You See These Red Flags?

These are some of the romance fiction red flags. As you read these did any stand out as being part of your favorite novel? We aren’t trying to shame you, but we do want you to be aware! Our next post will talk more about how to read responsibly, but in the interim if you’re recognizing some of these patterns in your real relationships we’re here to help. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are honored to walk alongside you in your exploration and curiosity. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation to see how we can help you.

The Journey and The Process – Counseling and Coaching that helps you thrive!

The post Romance Fiction Red Flags: Unpacking Harmful Tropes in Fictional Love Stories (Part 1) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

The internet is flooded with content about “narcissistic abuse.” A simple search reveals countless YouTube channels, podcasts, and articles dedicated to this single term. While it’s become a convenient shorthand in our cultural lexicon, labeling an abusive partner as a “narcissist” or “covert narc” or “narc” may be one of the most counterproductive ways to understand what’s really happening in toxic relationships. As a licensed trauma therapists specializing in domestic abuse, we’ve observed how this terminology misleads survivors and potentially puts them at greater risk.

When we frame coercive control as “narcissism,” we inadvertently shift focus from dangerous behaviors to a potential personality disorder diagnosis. This misdirection can lead survivors down rabbit holes searching for ways to “fix” their partner’s behaviors rather than recognizing the inherent danger of the situation. In faith-based communities especially, framing abuse as a personality disorder can reinforce dangerous beliefs that with enough prayer, therapy, or patience, the abuser will change. This misunderstanding keeps victims trapped in cycles of hope and disappointment while enduring ongoing harm.

What we’re often witnessing isn’t simply narcissism but coercive control – a pattern of psychological and emotional domination used to systematically maintain power over a partner. Coercive control operates through tactics like isolation, monitoring movements, gaslighting, financial restriction, and creating unpredictable environments where victims constantly walk on eggshells. This is far beyond mere self-focus or narcissistic tendencies; it’s what we describe as “battery of the soul” – a comprehensive pummeling of someone’s personhood and autonomy.

Why Words Matter

The distinction matters tremendously for safety reasons. When coercive control is framed as narcissistic abuse, it minimizes the potential danger. Coercive control, by contrast, is recognized as inherently dangerous even without obvious physical violence. This recognition is critical because abusive relationships can escalate to deadly in an instant. Safety planning becomes paramount when we correctly identify coercive control, whereas labeling someone a “narcissist” or “narcissistic” may lead victims and professionals alike to underestimate risk levels.

Using proper terminology also matters in legal contexts. When victims use terms like “narcissist” or “narcissistic abuse” in court proceedings without an official diagnosis (which most therapists cannot provide for someone they haven’t assessed), they risk being labeled as “high conflict” themselves. Courts may dismiss their concerns as exaggerations or character attacks. Conversely, many states now include coercive control language in their domestic violence laws, making this terminology much more effective in legal settings.

Perhaps most concerning is how the narcissism framework affects treatment approaches. It often leads to couples counseling, which can be actively dangerous in coercively controlling relationships. The abuser typically manipulates therapy settings, weaponizing vulnerabilities revealed during sessions and using the therapist’s neutrality to further gaslight the victim and then weaponize the victim’s vulnerability. Rather than couples counseling, these situations require individual trauma-informed therapy for the victim and high-accountability intervention for the perpetrator.

What to Do if This Sounds Like Your Relationship

If you recognize the signs of coercive control in your relationship – walking on eggshells, being punished for disagreement, having your faith or past trauma weaponized against you, or feeling constantly afraid – know that you deserve safety, respect, and freedom. This isn’t about diagnosing your partner but about accurately understanding your situation so you can take appropriate steps toward safety. Connect with advocates who specialize in domestic abuse (like those at Called to Peace Ministries), find trauma-informed therapists who understand coercive control dynamics, and develop a safety plan that addresses your specific circumstances.

The language we use shapes how we understand and respond to abuse. By moving beyond the narcissism framework to recognize coercive control for what it is, we empower survivors with clarity, appropriate resources, and paths to safety that truly address the dynamics they’re experiencing. You don’t need a diagnosis to justify the pain of abuse – you simply deserve to be free from it.

Next Steps

We specialize treating trauma, including helping people heal from coercively controlling abusive relationships. All therapists, counselors, life coaches, and interns are trained domestic abuse advocates, as well as trained in the best evidence-based modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, internal family systems, and somatic experiencing. Our biblical counselors & life coaches also can help you craft a new life as you heal.

Don’t wait one more day to find freedom and healing. Reach out for your free, 15-minute discovery call today.

Watch the Hey Tabi podcast episode where Founder & CEO discusses this topic.

The post Your Partner is Not a Narcissist appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Breathwork is often talked about as helpful, and for good reason. Deep breathing exercises, often called breathwork, and somatic practices that emphasize the breath can absolutely help many people calm their nervous systems, reconnect with their bodies, and find peace.

But what happens when it doesn’t help? What happens when slowing your breath makes your heart race faster? When closing your eyes and “going inward” takes you straight into a trauma vortex? When breathwork doesn’t actually feel like peace, instead it feels like drowning?

If that’s you, you’re not doing it wrong. You’re not broken. You’re not resistant to healing. You may simply be someone whose nervous system, because of past trauma, interprets “stillness” as danger.

Trauma Rewires the Nervous System and the Breath

When you’ve experienced trauma, especially complex trauma or abuse/coercive control that involved a lack of safety over time, your body gets really good at scanning for danger. In technical terms, your autonomic nervous system becomes biased toward survival. This often keeps you in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

So, when a well-meaning therapist says, “Just take a deep breath and feel safe in your body,” your system might scream, “Absolutely not.”

For trauma survivors, slowing down can be triggering. Stillness may have been when the deepest harm occurred. Breathwork can even mimic the sensations of a traumatic event: tightness in the chest, loss of control, dizziness, or helplessness. Our bodies freak out and then nope you right out of it.

In other words—breathwork might be too much, too soon.

Regulation Isn’t One Size Fits All

Trauma-specialized care means we don’t force strategies onto people, we follow the nervous system. Breathing and learning breathwork is can eventually be useful, but might not be the best way for you to start.

Some clients need to move before they breathe. Others need to speak, sing, stomp, or sway. Some need their eyes open. Some need a therapist present. Some need to not go inward at all. Sometimes you need to learn breathwork slowly. 

And all of that is valid.

It’s not about mastering breathwork, it’s about helping your body find safety.

What to Try Instead

If breathwork makes you feel worse, don’t push through. Try these instead:

• Orient to the present. Open your eyes. Look around the room. Name what you see, hear, and smell.
• Use movement. Rocking, walking, or stretching can help regulate before stillness.
• Try grounding through the senses. Hold a warm mug, run water over your hands, or squeeze a weighted pillow.
• Use external rhythm. Clap, tap to music, or listen to bilateral sounds (sounds that alternate from ear to ear – you can find some on YouTube). This can support regulation in a way the breath can’t yet for you.

Eventually, breathwork might become accessible to you. But only once your system says yes, not because someone told you it’s what you “should” do.

Neither You nor Your Body is the Problem

If breathwork feels scary or overwhelming, the problem isn’t you. The problem is the mismatch between what your body has lived through and what it’s being asked to tolerate. Go slow. Give yourself grace and compassion. 

Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to do what others say works. It’s about learning what safety actually feels like – for you.

And sometimes, the safest thing you can do… is not take a deep breath.

Here at The Journey and The Process, we specialize in trauma-focused, whole-person care. We have tools like EMDR and Brainspotting that can help you heal the way your nervous system needs. We’d love to come alongside you and help. Reach out today for your free discovery call and start healing. 

The post When Breathwork Backfires – Why It’s Not Always Safe for Trauma Recovery appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Sandra* lamented, “I’m so tired of just being on the cusp of something then our time is up and I have to stop. Then who knows what life is going to happen over the next week – it’s so hard to get back into that deep work! I wish we could have more time and just do the work!”

We agree. Since 2015 we’ve been doing custom, personalized therapy intensives with our clients. They range anywhere from one to three days at a time (we usually start with a three-day intensive for new clients so we have adequate time to work). You might be asking yourself what the benefits are of a personalized therapy intensive. Here are 10 reasons!

1. Deeper Exploration: Multi-day, personalized therapy intensives allow for a more thorough and in-depth exploration of issues compared to traditional weekly sessions, facilitating deeper insights and breakthroughs. You don’t have to get into the work and then stop at the end of an hour.
2. Focused Attention: Clients receive dedicated one-on-one attention from the therapist for extended periods, allowing for focused work on specific concerns or goals without distractions.
3. Accelerated Progress: With concentrated sessions over consecutive days, clients often experience accelerated progress and tangible results, making significant strides in their healing journey. One intensive client said it this way, “I had no idea we could get so much done in three days. I’m leaving totally different than I came in.”
4. Immersion Experience: Immersing oneself in a personalized therapy intensive creates a transformative experience without the distractions of day-to-day life which can help foster more rapid shifts.
5. Tailored Approach: Personalized therapy intensives are tailored to the unique needs and preferences of each client, ensuring personalized treatment plans and interventions for optimal outcomes.
6. Holistic Integration: Integrating various therapeutic modalities and techniques over multiple days allows for a holistic approach to healing, addressing mind, body, and spirit. In our Texas office we partner with other providers to offer equine therapy and trauma touch massage therapy and in our Wake Forest office we’re able to offer equine therapy and outdoor experiences with hiking (weather permitting).**
7. Breakthrough Opportunities: We can’t say enough about not being rushed and how beneficial it is to our clients. We are always so hurried in life, but slowing down for a personalized therapy intensive allows for so much more – we set the stage for our bodies and minds to open to healing in a different way.
8. Consolidated Learning: Clients can consolidate and apply new skills and insights in real-time throughout the intensive, reinforcing learning and facilitating lasting change.
9. Safe Environment: The supportive and confidential environment of multi-day therapy intensives provides a safe space for clients to explore challenging emotions and experiences without judgment. One client said, “This intensive has been the safest I’ve felt to go deep in a long time. It really allowed me to process the deep things without going home to needy kids or responsibilities. I love my family, but I can love them better from a healed place. This was so worth my time.”
10. Empowerment and Resilience: Engaging in personalized therapy intensives empowers clients to take an even more active role in their healing process, fostering resilience and equipping them with tools for long-term well-being.

How do you know if you’re a good fit for a personalized therapy intensive? You’re a good fit if you are ready to do the deep work and invest in yourself. You’re ready to set aside the time to focus, without distractions, on your stuff. You’re ready to see movement.  Your tired of feeling stuck or watching that therapy hour whiz by and having to wait til the next week to do more work. You are ready for deep change and are willing to do what it takes. You’re not actively having suicidal thoughts.

Are you ready to do the deep dive and get some stuff done? Reach out to day to schedule your free, 15-minute consultation. We can’t wait to partner with you on this journey!

*name & identifying details are composite to protect client privacy

**There is no extra fee for equine therapy or outdoor work in either office; there is an additional fee for trauma touch massage therapy in TX.

The post 10 Reasons To Do Personalized Therapy Intensives appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.