Hi, I’m Tabitha and I’m a recovering perfectionist. I say recovering because it’s an ongoing process, sometimes a rather frustrating one if I’m being honest.

Perfectionism is sneaky. It disguises itself as high standards, as diligence, as caring deeply about doing things well. Before you freak out and say, “Hi, we need to have some standards here” let’s flesh out what I mean. High standards and care aren’t the issue; it’s what underlies those standards. There’s a relentless inner voice that keeps a running tally of every misstep, every shortcoming, every way you didn’t quite measure up today. That voice has a favorite word:

Should.

I should be further along. I should have handled that better. I should be more patient, more productive, more consistent, more spiritual, more everything. And underneath all of that shoulding is the unspoken belief that if you just judged yourself hard enough or tried harder, you’d finally become the person you’re supposed to be. And sometimes that shoulding is encouraged by environments we exist in—maybe our home or even our church community.

Here’s what I know after years of working with clients and walking this road myself: that belief is not true. And the connection between perfectionism and anxiety is far closer than most people realize.

What “Shoulding” Actually Does to You

In therapy, as you’ve seen above, I use this phrase: shoulding on yourself. And before you laugh — or wince — let me tell you why I use it deliberately. Because it captures something true about what harsh self-judgment actually does. It doesn’t clean things up, it actually just makes a mess.

When we should on ourselves, we are essentially telling ourselves that reality is wrong. That the way things are is unacceptable or not enough or wrong. And here’s the problem with that: saying something should or should not have happened doesn’t change the fact that it did. It also doesn’t mean whatever standard we’re applying is accurate. All it really does is add a layer of shame and self-condemnation on top of whatever already happened or whatever we’re trying to accomplish.

Perfectionism and anxiety are deeply linked because the perfectionist mindset is fundamentally future-focused and fear-driven. It’s not just I want to do well. It’s If I don’t do this perfectly, something bad will happen — I’ll be exposed, I’ll disappoint people, I’ll lose something important. It also indicates a standard, and we don’t always stop to explore where we got that standard from and whether it’s reasonable or not. That underlying fear keeps the anxiety engine running constantly, even when there’s nothing actually wrong.

And when we inevitably fall short of the impossible standard the negative self-judgment kicks in. And this, of course, fuels more anxiety. Which fuels more perfectionism. It’s a cycle that feeds itself, and it is exhausting. It’s for sure not a good time.

Has Harsh Self-Judgment Ever Actually Worked?

I want to ask you something directly: Has judging yourself harshly ever produced lasting change in your life?

I’m not asking whether it has ever motivated you temporarily. Sometimes shame and self-criticism do produce short bursts of behavior change. But lasting change, the kind that actually sticks and becomes part of who you are? I have never, in all my years of practice, seen harsh self-judgment produce that.

Think about it this way: if shoulding on yourself worked, I literally would not have a job. We would all just judge ourselves into excellence and go about our days. But that’s not what happens. What actually happens is that we judge ourselves, feel shame, either shut down or overcompensate, fall short again, judge ourselves again and the cycle continues.

The harsh inner voice isn’t making you better. It’s keeping you stuck. And the perfectionism and anxiety it fuels are not a sign of high standards, they’re a sign of rigidity and potentially past wounds that need some healing.

Pride Goes Both Ways

Here’s something that tends to surprise people: thinking too lowly of yourself is just as much a form of pride as thinking too highly of yourself. Both are a form of self-focus that pulls us out of the present moment and out of genuine connection, with others, with our work, and with God.

When we are deep in the perfectionism and self-judgment cycle, we are living on autopilot (if you’ve been reading along with these past blogs, you know that autopilot doesn’t help us get where we want to go). We reacti to an internal critic rather than responding to what’s actually in front of us. We are so consumed with measuring, evaluating, and finding ourselves lacking that we can’t be fully present in our own lives. We miss what’s actually happening because we’re too busy running the internal audit.

Romans 8:1 says it plainly: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Not a little condemnation. Not condemnation except for the really big failures. No condemnation. The inner voice that keeps up the running tally of your shortcomings is not the voice of the Holy Spirit. It is not godly conviction. It is condemnation and it is not from God.

The Difference Between Conviction and Condemnation

I want to make an important distinction here, because I know this is an area where well-meaning Christians can get real confused at times. There is a difference between godly conviction and the shame spiral of perfectionism and self-judgment.

Conviction is specific. It points to a particular thought, action, or pattern and invites you toward something better. It is ultimately hopeful. It says, “This can change. You can grow. Come this way.” And then it moves on.

Condemnation is global. It doesn’t point to a behavior, it indicts your whole self. It says, “You are the problem. You are not enough. You will never be enough.” It doesn’t invite you toward growth. It pins you to the floor.

Perfectionism lives in the condemnation space. And it is worth learning to recognize the difference, not so you can ignore genuine growth opportunities, but so you can stop letting a voice that isn’t God’s (or even your own voice at times) run your internal life.

The Grace-filled Alternative to Perfectionism and Anxiety

So if harsh self-judgment doesn’t work, what does? This is the part I love, because the alternative is not lowering your standards or giving yourself a pass on everything. It is something much more powerful and far more nuanced than that.

There is an essential truth that I come back to again and again, both in my own life and in my work with clients. It holds two things together at the same time: I am doing the best I can in this moment, and I can do better. Both are true. Neither cancels out the other.

This is what theologians call sanctification—the ongoing process of being changed into the likeness of Christ. We are redeemed and we are being changed. We are accepted as we are and we are not yet who we will be. There is no room for condemnation in that process. This is the essence of the now and the not yet.

Practically, this means replacing the should with something more honest and more useful. Instead of “I should be further along,” try: “I wish I were further along, and I’m going to take one step today.” Instead of “I should have handled that better,” try: “I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to. What can I learn from it? Do I need to make a repair with someone?” The facts stay the same. The shame is removed. And the path forward opens up.

Mindful Connection: The Antidote to the Perfectionism Spiral

One of the most powerful tools for breaking the perfectionism and anxiety cycle is the practice of mindful connection. As a reminder, that’s being fully present in the moment rather than lost in the internal audit of everything you’re doing wrong. We keep our feet in this present moment instead of the shoulding of it all.

When we are present we’re able to observe what’s actually happening without layering judgment on top of it. We can notice: I made a mistake. Full stop. Not: I made a mistake, which means I’m a failure, which means I can’t be trusted, which means… Just the facts. Just the moment. Just what is.

This is not lowering the bar. This is seeing clearly. And seeing clearly, without the distortion of perfectionism and self-judgment, is actually what makes genuine growth possible. You can’t address what you can’t see accurately. And you can’t see accurately when shame is clouding the lens.

Progress, Not Perfection

I say it constantly: mindful connection, not mindful perfection. Progress, not perfection. And I say it constantly because people — especially perfectionists (including me) — need to hear it constantly. Because the inner critic is loud, and the grace-filled alternative feels unfamiliar at first.

But here’s a big take away I want you to understand: choosing progress over perfection is not giving up. It is not settling. It is not a spiritual or personal cop-out. It is the only framework in which real, lasting change actually happens. Because change requires trying, and trying requires the willingness to be imperfect in the process.

There is only one perfect person. His name is Jesus. And He didn’t come to give us a higher standard to fail at; He came to set us free. That freedom includes freedom from the tyranny of the should. Freedom from the perfectionism and anxiety cycle that keeps so many of us exhausted and stuck. Freedom to show up, imperfectly and fully, and to grow.

You are not a project to be managed. You are a person to be loved.

I invite you to stop shoulding on yourself. It isn’t working anyway. This week I invite you to take one of the more gracious positions I outlined in this blog and try it out for yourself. Notice whether it’s easier or harder depending on the topic or situation. Notice what you feel in your body as you get curious. And if you need a little support with it, reach out to us for a free, 15-minute consultation. One of our fantastic therapist or coaches would be happy to help you build these skills and those new neural pathways that go with them!

Ready to break the perfectionism and anxiety cycle and find a more grace-filled way forward? Visit tabithawestbrook.com/online-courses to learn more about the Taking Every Thought Captive course series. Use code RESET24 for 80% off.

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When I was a kid I had opinions. I know this is utterly shocking for those who actually know. Shocking. And I remember saying to another kid who wanted me to do something I did not want to do on the playground, “You’re not the boss of me!”

Our thoughts can for sure try to be the boss of us. And then… they try to hijack an entire day.

Ugh.

You wake up feeling okay-ish. And then a thought arrives before your feet even hit the floor. It might be about something you said yesterday, something you’re afraid of tomorrow, something that hasn’t happened yet and may never happen at all (see our last blog on that one). And before you’ve finished your first cup of coffee, you’re deep in a spiral. You’re anxious and discouraged. You’re convinced things are true knowing that, if someone said them out loud to you, you’d push back on immediately.

The problem isn’t that you have negative thoughts. Every person alive has negative thoughts. The problem really is what happens next — whether those thoughts get to drive, or whether you do. Interrupting negative thoughts and negative thought cycles is one of the most transformative skills I teach, and it is far more learnable than most people believe.

Your Mind on Autopilot

You might remember, as we talked about in a previous blog, research tells us that we are only truly present and aware about 5% of the time. The other 95%? We are living on autopilot. When we’re on autopilot, our thoughts run completely unchecked, like a conveyer belt just trucking along wreaking havoc in the background.

Here’s what that looks like in practice: a thought appears, and without any pause or examination, it triggers an emotion (or the emotion triggers the thought as we try to make meaning of it). That emotion triggers another thought. That thought triggers another emotion. And the spiral accelerates until you’re emotionally exhausted by something that began as a single, passing thought.

Living on autopilot means you never get the chance to ask the most important question: Is this thought actually true?

Darn it.

Here’s the thing, and I say this gently but directly to my clients all the time: your thoughts are not always facts. They feel like facts. They can feel overwhelmingly, undeniably true. But a thought is an experience, not a verdict. Interrupting negative thoughts starts with understanding that distinction.

What “Taking Every Thought Captive” Actually Means

The phrase from 2 Corinthians 10:5 — “taking every thought captive” — is one of the most practically powerful instructions in all of Scripture. But I think we often misunderstand what it’s actually asking us to do. I know I’ve sat in more than a few sermons and been like, “But how do I do it??? I need more than a concept!”

It is not a call to suppress your thoughts or pretend they aren’t there. It’s for sure not about spiritual white-knuckling or forcing yourself to “think positive.” It is an invitation to notice your thoughts, examine them, and choose what to do with them rather than being dragged along by them.

The original Greek word used for “set your mind” in Scripture describes an intentional, active process. Interrupting negative thoughts is not passive. It is a chosen, practiced skill. And the good news is that with regular practice, it becomes more natural.

Romans 12:2 pairs beautifully with this. The renewing of your mind is described as a transformation. Not a one-time event, but an ongoing process of change. That is exactly what we’re talking about here.

The 0-to-60 Problem

One of the things I describe often in my work is the “0 to 60” experience. This is the way our minds can go from a calm, neutral state to full emotional overwhelm in what feels like a nanosecond. One thought, and suddenly you’re flooded. It’s like a Porsche, except way less fun.

This happens most easily when we’re not practicing the skill of interrupting negative thoughts. And for many of us, especially those who have dealt with anxiety, depression, or trauma, the path of least resistance runs directly downhill into the spiral.

As I’ve heard my friend Matt Wenger, Clinical Executive Director of Begin Again Institute, say, “Water will run where the ditch is dug.”

The more we travel a path, the more worn it becomes – that’s how we dig the ditch. Neuroscience calls this the strengthening of neural pathways; the routes our brains most frequently travel become the routes they default to. If your brain has been spiraling for years, it has become very good at spiraling.

All that said, those pathways can be changed. We can dig a new ditch and the water will, in fact, move. And the tool for building them is exactly what we’re talking about here, the intentional, repeated practice of noticing thoughts and choosing how to respond to them, rather than reacting automatically. And then, once we notice, we can make a different choice.

How Interrupting Negative Thoughts Actually Works

So what does interrupting negative thoughts look like in practice? It begins with one deceptively simple skill: noticing. I know, you’re getting sick of hearing the noticing. But we really do have to start there and then really practice it.

We aren’t analyzing or fixing. – yet. And we also don’t judge ourselves for having the thought in the first place. We observe the thought as if we are watching it pass by on a conveyor belt — Oh, there’s that thought again. Or: I’m noticing a worried thought right now. That small act of observation creates a gap between the thought and your reaction. And in that gap is where your power lives.

Now, what do we do with said thought? Glad you asked. From that place of noticing, you can begin to ask: Is this thought accurate? Is it based on facts, or is it based on fear? Is it helping me move toward my goals, or is it pulling me away from them? You don’t have to fight the thought or argue with it. You just don’t have to automatically believe it either.

Imagine if we all walked around with a PowerPoint presentation above our heads showing every thought we had. Nobody would leave the house. We all have all kinds of thoughts — strange ones, dark ones, anxious ones, silly ones. Having a thought doesn’t make it true.

The Role of the Present Moment

Most negative thought spirals have one thing in common: they are almost never about right now. They are about the past — what went wrong, what was said, what you should have done differently. Or they are about the future — what might happen, what could go wrong, what you’re afraid of.

The present moment is almost always safer than either of those places and it’s also the only place you have power. The past is complete and the future has not yet come, so right now is where you have agency. Right now, in this moment, you are okay. You are breathing. You are here. Interrupting negative thoughts often means gently redirecting your mind back to what is actually true right now, rather than what your brain is projecting onto the past or the future.

This is a Skill. You Can Learn It.

Many folks believe that interrupting negative thoughts is not something they are capable of.

That’s not true. The brain is remarkably changeable — woot for neuroplasticity! As we’ve mentioned, research shows that practicing mindful awareness for as little as 10 minutes a day over 8 weeks literally changes the structure of the brain. Noticing is part of mindfulness. Practicing it increases your capacity to notice, pause, and choose.

So, let’s be practical here. You notice your thoughts. You fact check them. Cool. And then you get to decide whether it’s going to be the boss of you. I’ve literally said out loud to my thoughts, “This isn’t factual and you are not the boss of me.” Yes, sometimes you have to do this over and over and over as you’re learning the process. Remember, we have to tread a lot of ground to wear that new ditch. And if you’re struggling with whether or not a thought is true, this is a space to have a great therapist or coach help out. You also can ask yourself something like this, “Can I allow 1% of me to consider this might not be accurate?” Or you can try, “What would I do if I didn’t believe this?” Both of those help create interruption in that negative spiral.

Over time and with practice, you build that new, neural pathway. You dig a new ditch and the water can flow in a new direction more easily.

Your mind is not the boss of you.

If you’re reading and thinking, “I really need some help with this,” We’ve got your back. Connect with one of our amazing therapists or coaches and start building your new ditch and watch that water flow in new places! Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation call.

Ready to start interrupting negative thoughts and take back control of your mind? Click below to learn more about the Taking Every Thought Captive course series. Use code RESET24 for 80% off.

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Norma Digeso, LCMHCA

The Journey and The Process would like to introduce Norma Digeso as part of our Wake Forest counseling team. Norma is a FABULOUS counselor and her clients love working with her. We thought we’d take a minute to let you get to know her. She might just be the counselor you have been looking for!

Why did you decide to become a therapist?

I wanted to help others in their journey towards healing. Therapy has been a part of my life and I found it very beneficial to my well-being and a valuable aspect in my healing process. We simply cannot do this on our own and it helps to have someone come alongside you. I consider it a privilege to walk with others in their healing process, just as others walked with me when I needed it.

What is your favorite thing about your work with clients?

My clients are amazing and resilient! It is inspiring to see my clients gain a sense of self-worth as they progress through therapy. Seeing them begin to love themselves for who they are, despite what they have been through, is exciting and fills me with hope and encouragement.

What is something you wish people knew about counseling in Wake Forest?

I wish that people knew that counseling is not as scary as they might think. Being vulnerable with someone can be scary, especially when trauma or anxiety has ruled your life. Allowing someone who genuinely cares about you and your life help you heal from past hurts is essential to living and can move you from just surviving to fully thriving.

What would you like to say to someone who isn’t sure whether counseling in Wake Forest can help them?

I would encourage them to just give it a try. Often times, taking the first step is the most difficult and the scariest, but after that first step, you have already done the hardest part. Fear often holds us back from trying new things, especially when it involves healing from past hurts or talking about something we maybe haven’t before. Seeking counseling requires a bit of courage and fear’s goal is to keep us locked away and isolated, feeding us lies and deceiving us to keep us from who we were created to be. Reaching out for help disables fear’s ability to keep us trapped and allows us to find true healing.

Share a fun fact about you:

I love animals, especially cats. Someday, I would love to visit/volunteer at the Black Jaguar White Tiger Foundation. They rescue abused wild animals and give them a place to live in peace and freedom. My dream is to interact freely with the tigers (without being eaten, of course) or any of the other big cats they rescue. The irony of this dream is that my husband was bitten by a big cat when he was five years old and simply cannot understand my desire to have any part of this.

Norma is located in our Wake Forest counseling office and sees clients on Mondays and Thursdays. Norma has some evening hours as well for those who are negotiating work schedules. She specializes in working with men and women ages 18 and up who are struggling with anxiety, overcoming past or present traumatic experiences, or struggling with identity. More about her qualifications and specialties can be found here.

If Norma sounds just like what you’ve been looking for in a counselor, reach out today at 919-891-0525 for your free, 15-minute consultation for counseling in Wake Forest NC. You will be so glad that you did!

Why should you see a therapist? Here is a great article on it!

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The answer might just be yes – thankfulness can keep you from needing counseling in Wake Forest!

Did you know that a practice of giving thanks – sometimes called gratitude – can actually help you reduce feelings of anxiety and depression? If you practice gratitude regularly you may find you don’t need counseling in Wake Forest – and if you do need counseling it might not be as long!

The Science

Giving thanks (gratitude), no matter what form it takes, is associated with happiness. Expressing our gratitude also can support long-term relationships. Not only can gratitude boost your mood and strengthen relationships, but it also can improve your physical health. Research shows that practicing gratitude helps improve sleep and increase energy. It also shows that gratitude can be an “natural antidepressant” releasing dopamine and serotonin into the brain, which boosts mood. There is even evidence that maintaining a gratitude journal can reduce pain. Research conducted by HeartMath found that positive thoughts – like gratitude – can actually stop the physiological stress responses. There is even more information on how the practice of giving thanks can positively impact the brain structure, and this article is really great if you want o learn more!

The Practice

Here are some amazing (and easy!) ways to practice giving thanks so you can reap the amazing benefits this practice holds!

1. Gratitude journal – No need to be all fancy here (unless that’s your jam). A simple notebook is sufficient. Take a few minutes each day to write down at least five things for which you are grateful. It can be literally anything, even “I’m grateful I had enough gas in my car to get to work today.” Even on the worst days there are at least five things to be thankful for. If you’re afraid you’ll forget, set an alarm or reminder on your phone.
2. I Appreciate – Tell someone three things you appreciate about them. You can appreciate anything – even the day-to-day stuff that you’re thankful for but never comment on. For example, if your spouse or child takes out the trash you can say, “Thank you so much for taking out the trash. I appreciate it.” I know you might be saying, “But it’s their job to take out the trash. It has to be done anyway.” Yes, that is true, but you are still grateful because it’s done and now you don’t have to worry about it. We practice this one with couples all the time. It is amazing to see how it changes and strengthens relationships to simply be appreciative.
3. Say “thank you” – Most of us are conditioned to do this, at least a bit. But do we thank everyone? Do we actually mean it when we say it? Make it a practice to genuinely thank the cashier at the grocery store, the person helping you at the DMV, and the kids for finally picking up their socks.
4. Pay it forward – When you can, do a random act of kindness. That can be as simple as picking up litter you find or as elaborate as paying for the person’s order behind you in line at Starbucks.
5. Write a note to a friend – You can do this on actual paper or through a text or email. There is a lot of value in actually doing it on paper. It slows your brain down and uses a whole different processing mechanism than an electronic format does. If you mail the note to the friend that can be really powerful and meaningful. How awesome is it to get mail that isn’t a bill or junk?
6. Thankfulness jar – Get a mason jar and some small slips of paper. Starting on Thanksgiving, and then daily thereafter, write down one thing for which you are thankful. Have each family member do it with you. Next Thanksgiving you’ll have 365 reminders of the good things you experienced throughout the year.

The art of giving thanks is one that can have a huge reward for those who practice it – maybe even keeping you from needing counseling in Wake Forest. If you’re feeling stuck and not sure how to even a thankfulness practice started, we would be happy to chat with you about counseling in our Wake Forest office. Reach out today at 919-891-0525 for your free, 15-minute consultation.

The post Thankfulness Instead of Counseling in Wake Forest? appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Studies have found that teens who have presented with a mood disorder or who abuse drugs are at the greatest risk of attempting suicide. While research suggests girls attempt suicide more often, boys more often die from it.

Unfortunately, there is still much stigma surrounding depression and suicide, and so often these kids keep their emotional pain to themselves.

What can parents of teenagers do to keep their children safe and healthy?

Speak with Your Kid

Many parents believe that trying to speak with their kids about their moods and feelings will only push them farther away. This is a dangerous misconception. In reality, teenagers need to know they are safe, loved, and cared for.

You may want to begin your conversation by asking general questions about what’s going on in their life. When the time feels right, you can ask if they have ever had thoughts of self-harm. If their answer alarms you, ask specifically if they are planning on or intending to harm themselves. Do not freak out and yell. That is only going to keep them from telling you more. Be concerned, and ask questions. As hard as it is to hear your teen is having these thoughts, it’s so important for you to be a safe place they can share them.

Validate Their Feelings

Once you’ve begun this sensitive dialogue with your teen, it’s important to actively listen and validate their feelings. Your kid must really believe you are a) hearing what they’re telling you and b) recognizing the importance of it. Try and listen without judgement. This will help your child relax and open up, thereby giving you an opportunity to learn even more about their inner emotional life. If you don’t know how to validate someone in this situation without expressing agreement, please reach out so we can explore how I may be able to help in this area (919-891-0525).

Clarify the Situation

If your teen confides they are having thoughts of suicide, it’s incredibly important that you remain calm and ask questions that will help you clarify the situation. You will want to determine if they are mentioning suicide because they:

• Want to tell you just how bad they are feeling.
• Alert you to something they need but are not getting.
• Need to vocalize their desire to stop feeling so many emotions.
• Have actually planned how and when they will take their life.

Seek Professional Guidance

Any talk of suicide is a serious matter and requires professional guidance by a trained therapist, even if you think they aren’t going to make a suicide attempt. It’s important not to force your teen into any treatment plan, but instead, allow them to help direct the course of their plan. Some of their depression might stem from an overall lack of control they feel they have in their own life, so it’s important you let them have a voice in the direction of treatment. You may also find that you will want to speak with someone through this difficult time.

That said, if there is a plan and immediate danger you need to take your teen to the hospital. Keeping them alive long enough so they can help determine the course of treatment is paramount. All threats regarding suicide should be taken seriously. No matter what time of day it is, you can reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. 

If you or a loved one is seeking treatment options for a troubled teen, I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help your family. Reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. Appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

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