Romance Fiction Red Flags

Last week we began unpacking the red flags we see in romantic fiction. This week we unpack the final six in our two-part series.

7. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Non-Consensual or Coercive Behavior Portrayed as Desire

In romance fiction, a partner may kiss or touch the love interest without asking. In a passion scene, they may pin the other against the wall and continue their pursuance despite hesitation. The love interest may invade her space, touch her, smell her, or kiss her without consent. These scenes are depicted as passion with the belief that he “couldn’t help himself” or couldn’t “wait” any longer since he was so in love.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is marketed as spontaneity and confidence. In media, the lack of consent is often built into this passionate, confident moment, even if one of them wasn’t ready to admit their feelings. This forced intimacy can bring them to admit their feelings. For those whose stories include blurred consent, it can echo past experiences where boundaries were not respected and violation can be confused with desire.

In Reality

In reality, consent is sexy—coercion is not. Just as a reminder, consent is a full, enthusiastic “yes.” Passion without consent is not romantic, it’s predatory. Mutual desire requires ongoing communication, autonomy, and trust. Checking in with your partner, asking permission, and respecting hesitation are all signs of genuine care and respect, not barriers to romance.

8. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Dependency Framed as Devotion

In these stories, couples become entrenched in each other’s existences. They believe their entire purpose for existing is to love and be with their person. When faced with a reality that does not include their partner, they would choose to rather die than face it. Life becomes meaningless without this person.

As readers, we may fall for this because of the craved desire to belong and be significant for someone else. When we fear abandonment, it can feel so secure to be the reason someone is living. It is intoxicating to be someone’s very reason for existing.

In Reality

In reality, this promotes enmeshment rather than healthy interdependence. Love should expand your world, not shrink it. Healthy devotion allows for both people to have separate identities, passions, friendships, and goals. Two whole people choosing each other creates a stronger foundation than two halves trying to make a whole.

9. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Power Imbalances

In romantic fiction, love can be found in the most unlikely of places—between a boss and employee, teacher and student, or an older individual with a younger person. These taboo matches feel thrilling and forbidden and make their love feel unavoidable and real.

As readers, we may fall for this because power dynamics heighten tension and fantasy. These pairings in real life are fraught with drama and intrigue—often becoming the top storylines for news, documentaries, and other media outlets. For some, being chosen by someone powerful or forbidden feels affirming; as if nothing could get in the way of them choosing you.

In Reality

In reality, power imbalances can enable exploitation or abuse under the guise of “forbidden love.” Having unchecked, unequal power dynamics can make genuine consent impossible. These relationships often involve coercion, fear, or dependency. In sustaining, lasting love, mutual respect, equality, and freely given consent are necessary. The person with more power always has a responsibility to recognize and not exploit that dynamic.

10. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Isolation from Friends and Support Systems

In romance fiction, after the couple falls in love, the love interest becomes the center of the main character’s world. They may stop hanging out with their friends, don’t tell anyone where they’re going, hide arguments, or only confide in each other. This exclusivity is framed as intimacy and a belief that, “No one else could understand.”

As readers, we may fall for this because it taps into the fantasy of being someone’s entire world. Having total devotion in a relationship feels like ultimate, all-consuming love. For trauma survivors, isolation can mimic the “specialness” or enmeshment often experienced in grooming; since this is familiar, it may feel safe. (You can learn more about grooming in our series on it.)

In Reality

In reality, isolation is one of the first warning signs of an abusive, destructive relationship. Healthy love encourages connection and autonomy, not secrecy and co-dependency. If it feels as though you cannot talk to others about your relationship, that’s not privacy—that’s control. A partner who truly loves you will encourage your friendships and celebrate your connections outside the relationship.

11. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Violence During Intimacy

In romance fiction, strangulation, slapping, or the use of dangerous items during sex is portrayed as passionate, edgy, or proof of chemistry and trust. These are often normalized in “dark romance” fictional stories without context or discussion of consent and safety. Sometimes, the aggressor is not a human, as is the case with “romantasy” stories, making boundaries even more blurry.

As readers, we may fall for this because power and surrender can feel thrilling. Adrenaline and arousal often mimic each other and can become enmeshed in our arousal structures. The taboo nature can feel exciting and transgressive.

In Reality

In reality, consensual kinks practiced within a relationship with clear communication, boundaries, and aftercare are one thing (and kink is a broad, broad term), but unexamined violence is another. When physical harm is portrayed as the height of passion—especially without negotiation, aftercare, or enthusiastic consent—it can equate danger with desire. BDSM communities emphasize consent, safety, and care; fiction often skips these crucial elements. Additionally, strangulation is never, ever safe. Often called “sexual choking” it can lead to death and is the biggest indicator that domestic abuse will become lethal. And, it should be noted, here at The Journey and The Process, we encourage clients to be curious when violence shows up in their arousal templates; oftentimes, it stems from past sexual harm. For more information, you can check out Tabitha Westbrook’s book Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control.

12. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Female Submissiveness as Virtue

In these stories, the woman is constantly deferring to her partner—emotionally, sexually, or practically—and it is described as feminine or godly devotion. She may defer to her partner because he has more experience, is of higher rank, or because she wholly trusts him. Her lack of agency or voice is portrayed as proof of her goodness or femininity.

As readers, we may fall for this because cultural or religious narratives often equate submission with love or worthiness. Being “chosen” by a strong, dominant man can feel validating and loving. Having someone take control and control the narrative can feel safe, especially for those who grew up with the burden of too much responsibility.

In Reality

In reality, true partnership and intimacy allow both people to be strong, curious, and autonomous. Submission without choice isn’t loving—it’s coercive. It’s also not submission – it’s subjugation. In these dynamics, the highlight should not be focused on how the woman submits, but whether the man is worthy of her trust and whether her submission is a free choice made from a place of power, not powerlessness. Healthy relationships evidence mutuality.

Reading Responsibly

Fiction and romance provide an escape where other worlds can be real and love can be unconditional. While many of these tropes and themes are common in fictional romance, it is important to explore the impact they can have on us as readers and what the romance fiction red flags are. Here are some ways to engage with romantic fiction more mindfully:

• Stay curious, not judgmental. If a trope or theme attracts you, ask why. Does it mirror something from your past or a wound you’re still healing from? There’s no shame in what resonates with us—curiosity helps us understand ourselves better. Many people never get curious about their arousal templates (the constellation of things that bring sexual arousal), but being curious is the pathway to beginning to understand and healing sexual harm and brokenness.
• Differentiate fantasy from desire. You can enjoy a story without wanting that dynamic in your real life. Fiction can be just that—fiction. Enjoying something on the page doesn’t mean you want or deserve it in reality. But if you are becoming habituated – used to – the fantasy and find it starting to show up in your inner world, you may want to determine whether a given book or series is for you.
• Notice your body’s response. Does a scene make you tense, anxious, or activated? That might be a cue from your nervous system. Stay curious about what these responses are telling you.
• Seek representations of healthy love. If this post resonated with you, consider exploring stories where communication, consent, and safety are just as compelling as chaos. These stories exist and can help reshape our understanding of what love can look like. In fact, there are whole series of books that depict healthy relationships and are not smarmy or dumb.
• Reflect, don’t shame. These tropes are popular because they touch deep human longings—belonging, passion, redemption, being chosen. Awareness lets us reclaim these needs and meet them in healthier ways, both in fiction and in life.

We hope this two-part series on romance fiction red flags has helped you become more curious about what you are reading. If you want to explore some of these themes and how your body responds to them or you’re curious about what exactly has gotten woven into your arousal template, we at the Journey and the Process would be happy to walk alongside you. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are here to help you thrive.

The Journey and The Process – Counseling & Coaching that helps you thrive!

The post Romance Fiction Red Flags: Unpacking Harmful Tropes in Fictional Love Stories (Part 2) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Romance Fiction – Part 1

Falling in love through romance fiction is a common pastime for many creatives and story-lovers alike. We read of star-crossed lovers defying the odds, of enemies-to-lovers who choose each other despite their flaws, and friends who find each other to be so much more. Fictional stories offer us a reprieve from the mundane or difficult in our daily lives.

While it can be a wonderful thing to escape into a story, it is important to recognize some of the problematic and destructive behaviors that are often romanticized in these narratives. In this two-part series, we’ll explore common romance tropes that normalize unhealthy relationship dynamics, examine why they resonate with us, and discuss what healthy love actually looks like. Today we’re going to start with the first six romance fiction red flags.

1. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Love Cures All

In stories, it is often romanticized that love from a romantic partner can “heal” someone’s deepest wounds and traumas. When the love interests find each other, it is as if the bounds of their previous pain no longer bind them. All that matters is that they found love, and from then on, they are a healed version of themselves.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is a comforting belief to think love can erase pain. In many ways, it feels as though connection and unconditional acceptance is what can heal what feels broken within us. If someone else views us as lovable and savable, then perhaps we are. For those who have experienced trauma, this idea can validate the longing to be fully seen and accepted, without having to do the hard work of healing.

In Reality

In reality, this view minimizes the need for therapy, growth, and self-work. Love is a wonderful support for healing, but it cannot do the healing for us. Healthy relationships can create a safe space where healing becomes possible, and experiencing consistent care can teach us what love should feel like. However, expecting a partner to cure trauma or other wounds can lead to disappointment or destructive patterns in the relationship, like co-dependency. The relationship provides the support; the individual must do the work.

2. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Ignoring Boundaries as Persistence

In these stories, there is a romanticized gesture of the love interest continuing to show up and pursue the main character, even if she says, “No.” It is framed as devotion and persistence. Even if she doesn’t fall for him first, he just “knew they were meant to be” and refuses to “give up on her.” He may show up at her place of work, leave her gifts at her door, or continue to call her after she asks for space.

As readers, we may fall for this because persistence and confidence can be flattering. To know someone is so entirely confident in their love for you that there are no boundaries to what they will do to be with you can feel special. Often, we are taught that being pursued equates to being valued. For those whose stories have been framed by conditional or inconsistent love, the idea of someone refusing to give up on them can feel like proof of their worth.

In Reality

In reality, the disregard of boundaries is not romance—it’s disrespect. In a healthy pursuit, autonomy and choice are honored. If someone keeps pushing after a “No,” it is not passion, it’s entitlement. This normalizes stalking, coercion, and emotionally manipulative behaviors. True devotion respects your right to say no and trusts that if it’s meant to be, it will happen with mutual consent.

3. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Possessive Behaviors

In romance fiction, the love interest may display possessive behaviors through constantly monitoring the main character’s location, who they are with, and what they are doing. They may become angry, violent, or incensed at the idea of anyone else’s attention being on the main character. They may use the phrase, “You’re mine,” as a way to claim their deep devotion and love.

As readers, we may fall for this because possession can be mistaken for protection. It can feel comforting for someone to take charge. For people whose stories have caregivers who did not protect them, or partners who deliberately hurt them, having a partner who is undeniably devoted can feel safe. Being claimed can feel an awful lot like reassurance.

In Reality

In reality, possessive behaviors are rooted in insecurity, jealousy, and ownership—not connection, love, and trust. These possessive behaviors are not protective, but rather coercive. True love does not require ownership, surveillance, or control. True love trusts and allows freedom.

4. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Jealousy as Proof of Love

In romantic fiction, jealous outbursts are often portrayed as proof of passion. The jealous partner may become violent when faced with a competitor. They may storm away from the main character, later declaring their undying love. This reaction can stem from benign encounters, such as the main character talking to another man or smiling at someone else.

As readers, we may fall for this since jealousy can be confused with intensity and passion. Jealousy can look a lot like love rather than insecurity. When someone becomes incensed at the mere thought of losing you, it’s understandable to feel a certain level of safety. For those who have been cheated on or overlooked in past relationships, this unhinged devotion can feel secure.

In Reality

In reality, jealousy is a normal and very human feeling, but it is our responsibility to regulate it and never weaponize it. In healthy relationships, jealousy is communicated and navigated, not glamorized and weaponized. When jealousy manifests as control or rage, it moves from being a vulnerable emotion to being emotionally manipulative and potentially dangerous.

5. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Emotional Turmoil as Chemistry

In these stories, couples often experience constant arguing, break-ups, and emotional whiplash. It is rare to find a couple that is steady and consistent; truly, it may not make for a good story if they were completely healthy. The couples fight hard, love hard, and the chaos is marketed as proof of their connection and passion.

A common trope that highlights emotional turmoil as chemistry is the miscommunication trope. In fiction, the plot may rely on constant misunderstandings, withheld information, or one partner manipulating the other’s perception of reality. One partner might lie about their identity, hide crucial information, or deliberately mislead the other “for their own good.” These interactions are often brushed off as tension or drama, with the intended purpose of driving the plot forward. When taken to an extreme, this becomes gaslighting—making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

As readers, we may fall for this because adrenaline can feel like chemistry. For those who grew up associating love with inconsistency or anxiety, calm and steady relationships can feel boring. Chaos, on the other hand, feels familiar and it feels exciting. The makeup after the fight can feel intensely intimate, creating an addictive cycle.

In Reality

In reality, emotional chaos is not chemistry and love does not have to be hard to be worth it. While all couples have disagreements, constant turmoil is exhausting and damaging. Gaslighting is psychological abuse—it erodes self-trust, leaving you dependent on the abuser for truth. True intimacy feels safe, steady, and often uneventful. Peace can be love’s most powerful evidence.

6. Romance Fiction Red Flag: “Fixing” the Brooding/Dangerous Partner

In this type of fiction, the emotionally unavailable, angry, and self-destructive man may “soften” only for her. She—and their love—become the only reason for his change. He may approach others with an, “I hate everyone except you,” attitude. This dynamic is often found in the grumpy-sunshine trope in which he is the grumpy, sulky character and she is a human ray of sunshine. He may have extreme anger or hostility that is only calmed by her voice, presence, or touch.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is the fantasy of redemption. It mirrors our own wish to be the exception. It is a common misconception that women believe, “I can save him,” and these stories are proof of the possibility. It is tempting and romantic to think that our love could rewrite someone’s story, someone’s pain. For caretakers and survivors, this can mirror old patterns of earning love through healing others.

In Reality

In reality, this encourages caretaking behavior and self-abandonment. It is not possible to heal someone who does not want to heal; it is up to them to do the hard work and face their pain. Love can inspire and foster change and growth, but it cannot create it. Real transformation requires accountability and choice, not saviors. You cannot love someone into wellness, and trying to do so will deplete you.

Where Do You See These Red Flags?

These are some of the romance fiction red flags. As you read these did any stand out as being part of your favorite novel? We aren’t trying to shame you, but we do want you to be aware! Our next post will talk more about how to read responsibly, but in the interim if you’re recognizing some of these patterns in your real relationships we’re here to help. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are honored to walk alongside you in your exploration and curiosity. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation to see how we can help you.

The Journey and The Process – Counseling and Coaching that helps you thrive!

The post Romance Fiction Red Flags: Unpacking Harmful Tropes in Fictional Love Stories (Part 1) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.