Most people don’t often think about teen dating violence. Heck they may never think about it at all! Teen dating is often framed as awkward, dramatic, or something you’re supposed to just “get through.” Crushes, breakups, and big feelings are considered part of growing up. And while some emotional intensity is normal in adolescence, there’s an important distinction many teens (and adults) aren’t taught how to make:

Not all discomfort is just teen drama. Teens can get into destructive relationships and it’s vital to help teens know what healthy is and is not in relationships.

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and this invites us to slow down and talk honestly about what unhealthy dating patterns can look like—especially the subtle ones that don’t leave visible bruises but still leave a mark on the soul (and as you know – all abuse is physical abuse unless you can take your brain out of your body and stick it in a jar).

The Quiet Questions Teens Often Ask

Most teens don’t ask, “Am I being abused?”

They ask things like:

• “Am I overreacting?”
• “Is this just how relationships are?”
• “Why do I feel anxious all the time?”
• “Why do I feel guilty when I try to set boundaries?”
• “I mean this is what it looks like in movies, porn, or novels I read…”

When a relationship doesn’t feel right, teens often assume the problem is them—that they’re too sensitive, too emotional, or too inexperienced to know better. And, let’s be honest, those who are coercive controllers use things like love bombing and gaslighting to make it easier to doubt your own experience.

That self-doubt is often where unhealthy dynamics quietly take root.

Red Flags That Often Get Missed

Unhealthy patterns in teen dating don’t usually start with obvious cruelty. They often begin disguised as care, attention, or intensity.

Here are some common red flags that are easy to overlook:

1. Jealousy That’s Framed as Love

• “I just worry about you.”
• “I don’t trust your friends.”
• “If you loved me, you wouldn’t need them.”

Jealousy isn’t proof of love, in fact it’s a big ‘ol red flag. It often turns into isolation and control.

2. Pressure Disguised as Affection

• Pressure to text constantly or share passwords
• Expecting immediate replies
• Getting upset when a teen needs space
• Pressure to engage in sexual activity

Healthy relationships allow room to breathe. Constant access isn’t the same as closeness. And pressure for any sexual activity is deeply concerning.

3. Guilt When Boundaries Are Set

• Sulking, withdrawing, or anger after a boundary
• Statements like “You’re hurting me” or “I guess I don’t matter”

Boundaries shouldn’t be punished. When they are, something important is being revealed. And true consent honors boundaries. Someone who really loves you honors your boundaries.

4. Control Over Choices

• Comments about clothing, friends, or activities
• Making decisions for the other person
• Framing control as “knowing what’s best”

Care supports autonomy. Control erodes it. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean your partner gets to decide all things. And if there is spiritual abuse or manipulation happening, that is even more concerning. “One day we’re gonna get married so you have to submit now” is not only total bunk, but also totally unbiblical.

5. Emotional Ups and Downs That Feel Extreme

• Walking on eggshells
• Feeling responsible for a partner’s emotions
• High highs followed by intense lows

These patterns can dysregulate a teen’s nervous system (and anyone else’s for that matter), even if no one ever raises a hand. Also threatening self-harm or suicide if someone does not get their way is incredibly concerning and a big indicator that the relationship is not healthy.

Why Teens Often Don’t Name This as Harm

Teen brains are still developing, especially the parts responsible for risk assessment and long-term thinking. Add in:

• First relationships
• Intense attachment
• Cultural messages that intensity equals love

…and it makes sense that many teens don’t recognize unhealthy patterns while they’re in the middle of them.

If a teen has already experienced trauma, instability, or neglect, their nervous system may confuse familiar stress with connection. This is especially true if toxic relationships are modeled at home.

Discomfort is Data

Feeling anxious, small, confused, or pressured in a relationship isn’t a sign of weakness or immaturity. It’s telling you important things.

It’s often the body’s way of saying:

“Something here isn’t safe for me.”

Learning to listen to that signal is a skill—one many adults were never taught, either.

How Adults Can Help Stop Teen Dating Violence Without Pushing Teens Away

If you’re a parent, caregiver, or trusted adult, your response matters more than your advice.

Helpful responses sound like:

• “I’m really glad you told me.”
• “That sounds confusing and heavy.”
• “You don’t have to figure this out alone.”

Unhelpful responses often include panic, lectures, or ultimatums—even when they come from love.

Safety grows in relationships where curiosity comes before control. It’s also really important to listen and invite the teen to consider what he/she is noticing in his/her body. What are their friends saying? Help them come to the conclusions about their relationship versus telling them what to do.

I will say, in some instances, there is a time to step in with more. If the teen is in danger or potential danger then responsible adults need to step in to protect. If you aren’t sure what steps to take, get help from a trained advocate or therapist.

A Gentle Invitation

Teen dating violence isn’t always super obvious. Often, it is more hidden and it can start slow and subtle. Knowing what is and is not healthy is important to learn.

Teaching teens to trust their internal cues—to notice when something doesn’t feel right—is one of the most powerful forms of prevention we have.

If you or your teen need support sorting through confusing relationship dynamics, trauma-informed counseling can help make sense of those signals with care and compassion. Our incredible team of trauma therapists and coaches are happy to walk with you. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. You don’t have to figure it out alone.

The post When it Doesn’t Feel Right: How to Recognize Teen Dating Violence appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Keep Your Cool

It may be difficult to keep your cool when your teen is yelling at you, but as the adult, it’s important that you maintain control. Refrain from yelling, cursing, or name-calling your teen. Verbal abuse will only escalate the argument and will have a long-term impact on your child and your relationship. If your child is being verbally abusive, apply consequences to their behavior and speak in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

Accountability, Not Control

Rather than trying to control your teen and their behavior, make them accountable. Set clear boundaries, and establish rules and consequences.

Listen

It can be difficult to listen when your child is yelling or angry. Your initial reaction may be to defend yourself or criticize. Rather than offering advice or judgment, actively listen to your teen. Be silent as they express themselves, and ask questions to better understand how they’re feeling. You can also calmly express that it’s difficult to listen to them when they’re angry and yelling. By genuinely trying to listen and understand them, you can teach them how to control their emotions and express themselves calmly.

Give Them Space

When your teen is angry and wants to storm off, let them go instead of following them and trying to continue or resolve the argument. It’s healthy for both of you to give each other space and time to cool off so you can revisit the discussion when you’re both feeling calmer.

Pick Your Battles

Your teen is going through a difficult phase, and needs empathy. Remember back to the times when you were a teen to help you empathize. There will be times when your teen is making a bigger deal of something than it needs to be, and as the adult it’s your job to know when to stand your ground, and when to let things go. Talk with your spouse to set boundaries and determine priorities of issues that can be compromised, and issues that are non-negotiable.

If you have a teen that may be struggling with anger, feel free to reach out to our team at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. We would be happy to explore how we may be able to help you. If we are a good fit, appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online from anywhere in North Carolina.

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When I was a teenager, my friends and I would go out bowling or to get a pizza or we’d talk on the phone until all hours (Mom: “Make sure you answer the beep [call waiting indicator]!”). We’d actually make eye contact with one another and, you know, talk. But pay attention to the gaggles of teens in malls and other public spaces and they all have their heads down, eyes glued to their phones! It would seem the smartphone is the modern security blanket and no teen wants to be without theirs.

In this way, you could almost classify this dependency on technology as an outright addiction. A strong word for sure, but perhaps one that fits perfectly in this case. The University of Maryland conducted a study as part of The World Unplugged project where researchers evaluated students from 10 different countries to see what would happen when the students had to forgo their smartphone for 24 hours. Their results were eye opening. They found that the majority of students experienced distressed during this 24-hour period.

Another large-scale study involving more than 2,500 college students found that 60% of them admitted to being addicted to their phone.

But this addiction can sometimes lead to unhealthy mental behaviors. For instance, researchers at the Catholic University of Daegu in South Korea found that teens who used their smartphones the most showed troubling psychological issues such as aggression, depression, anxiety and tended to withdrawal more. If we pair this with the research that Facebook use also can increase depression, we could have a potential issue here.

While more research is needed, and while not everyone in the mental health community categorizes cellphone addiction as a real disorder (yet), it is clear that teens are having trouble curbing their own technological desires.

Signs Your Teen May be Addicted to Their Phone

How do you prevent your own kid from experiencing the aggression, depression and anxiety associated with overuse of a smartphone? First, you must recognize signs that there may be a problem:

– They feel the need to respond to everything immediately. They seem unable to resist that urge.
– They constantly check their phone, even when it isn’t ringing or vibrating. This behavior actually has a name and is called ‘phantom vibration’. This is a definite sign that your teen may have an addiction.
– They are disconnected from the real world and ignore what is happening right in front of them.
– They feel anxious and even angry when they are away from their phone.

What You Can Do?

First, try speaking with your teen about their phone use. They may or may not be receptive to the talk, but it’s a good idea to make the effort before you suddenly throw down new cellphone rules and regulations.

Next, set some rules. Understand this will be hard for your teen to accept, so go a bit easy. You may want to start by saying cellphones are not allowed at the dinner table. Of course, you as a parent must follow your own rules. Be mindful of the concept of “extinction burst” as an unwanted behavior is changing – there is more conflict right before the new boundary is accepted. Hold your ground lovingly, but firmly.

Next, you might want to enforce a “no bedtime” rule. Studies have found electronic equipment like laptops and smartphones hinder sleep. Try and encourage your teen to leave their phone in their bag and try some quiet time before bed by reading or listening to music. Many parents take the smartphone at 9PM and return it in the morning. Every teen I see where parents do that complain; however, all who stick with it end up feeling less depressed and anxious. Many teens will protest saying they listen to music on their phone. Cool. You can get an Amazon Alexa device for like $50 and stream music that way. Or they can use this thing called a radio. No, it’s not “on demand” or your favorite playlist, but it does handle the music thing. My own teen listens to the local classical music station at night.

Above all, encourage your teen to start regulating their own behaviors. That’s what growing up is all about. Ask for their input before setting rules but be firm about enforcing them. Be sure to talk to your kiddo about the why. Even if they complain and eye roll like it’s a championship eye-rolling event they will hear you. And when they’re 26 they may even thank you.

If you find you have trouble speaking with your teen, you may want to seek the guidance of a trained therapist who can facilitate communication and offer tools for managing any upsets moving forward. This is something I often do with families to help them find and set appropriate limits on smartphones.

If you would like to talk more about setting limits or anything else related to your teen, feel free to reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. I would be happy to explore how I may be able to help you. If we are a good fit, appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

The post Why You Should Limit Smartphone Time For Your Teen appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Here are 5 signs that your teen may be suffering from atypical depression and asking for help.

1. Mood Swings

Thanks to the cocktail of hormones suddenly surging through a teenager’s body, it is quite normal for them to have mood swings. So how can you tell what’s normal and what is a sign of mental illness? You have to trust your parental instincts here. You know your child better than anyone and should be able to recognize any significant shift in mood. Particularly look for mood shifts that seem to have no root cause. Adolescent depression can show up in irritability, not just sadness.

2. A Change in Behavior

It is normal for a teenager to have a certain kind of behavioral change. Normal changes include challenging authority a bit more and claiming their independence. What’s not normal is for your child to suddenly start presenting as a different person to you. This can be a sign of adolescent depression.

3. Substance Abuse

Most teens experiment a bit with drugs and alcohol. But you should see red flags if your teenager is chronically abusing substances and coming home drunk or high on a fairly regular basis. It is especially important to act immediately if your family has a history of substance abuse. Don’t shy away from stepping in – it could mean the difference between life and death for you child.

4. Self-harm

Those teens who are experiencing significant emotional turmoil may choose to take their emotions out on themselves by cutting, hitting or hurting themselves in some other manner. If you notice cuts or scrapes, ask your kiddo about them. Odds are, if they are symmetrical, it wasn’t running into a bush or playing with the cat.

5. Talk of Suicide

While teenagers can definitely be prone to drama and overreacting to events, no parent should ever ignore talk of suicide. With teen suicide rates on the rise, particularly among girls, any mention or attempt should immediately result in professional help.

If you or someone you know has a teenager who is showing one or more of these signs and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I might be able to help.

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As much as we wish these things never happened, protecting our kids from hard truths is not the answer. Parents have to talk to kids about reality, in an age-appropriate manner, of course. Children will hear about terrifying events eventually, and it could scare your child more if you are reluctant to speak with them about it. You can keep these things from becoming a defining childhood trauma if you meet the issue head on with your kids.

Here are some ways you can help your child understand terrifying events:

Try to Stay Calm

Children not only listen to the words you tell them, they, at the very same time, look for your emotional reaction. From this they gauge what is actually going on and how they should react. Even if you don’t say you feel anxious, your kids can feel it.

Though it may be difficult, it’s important that you try and remain as calm as possible to reassure your child, while, at the same time, letting them know it’s okay for them to feel upset. This can be really hard when whatever has happened in the world is upsetting to you. Before talking to your kiddo, work through your own emotion.

Determine What Your Child is Really Worried About

When children hear about scary events, they will have many questions, such as, “Did people die? Why would somebody hurt people? Were they bad people? Will I be killed by a bad person? Are we going to war?” Some children will ask many more questions than this, but what they are really trying to determine is if THEY are safe. The answers you give should be truthful but age-appropriate, with a final assurance that your family is safe. For many teens at the high school mentioned earlier, they just need to talk and be heard. They needed to express fear and sadness and have a caring adult listen to them without trying to make it a life lesson or minimize their feelings.

Keep Your Daily Routines

Scary stuff is unpredictable stuff. Therefore, your child will be reassured by predictability. Stick to your routines as best you can. Along with talking to your children about the events, make sure they have a sense of regularity in their lives.

Seek Professional Help if Necessary

If your child continues to show signs of stress or agitation, it might be a good idea to talk with a licensed mental health professional who can help you navigate how to best help your child. If the traumatic event happened directly to your child (for example, they were at a school where a shooting took place), then the whole family may need professional support to process the experience.

If you or your kiddo is struggling with traumatic events that have taken place, I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help your family. Reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. Appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

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