Coercive control is a much better name for domestic abuse, domestic violence, or interpersonal violence because many people still picture abuse as only physical or sexual violence. The reality is that coercive control is a sustained pattern of power and control that slowly erodes another person’s autonomy, agency, and sense of self. It can look “subtle” or even invisible on the outside while feeling suffocating inside the relationship. The core issue is not conflict or a “bad marriage,” but a repeated system where one person’s preferences, needs, and voice get treated as irrelevant. Understanding coercive control helps survivors name what is happening, trust their perceptions again, and begin rebuilding safety, dignity, and emotional clarity.

A key distinction is the difference between a one-off hurtful moment and a repeating pattern. Everyone can speak sharply or act selfishly at times, then feel guilt, repair the harm, and take responsibility. To put it mildly, we can all be jerks now and again. Coercive control, by contrast, repeats and escalates. It often includes grooming behaviors that present as charm, devotion, or protectiveness while narrowing the victim’s choices over time. Many survivors describe a “captivity funnel” effect: the relationship starts wide with freedom and slowly tightens through pressure, dependency, and fear. Common tactics include gaslighting, rewriting reality, minimizing, and convincing the victim that their memory is unreliable, which can create chronic anxiety and constant self doubt.

Coercive control also shows up through spiritual abuse in Christian contexts, when someone weaponizes faith, Scripture, or religious authority to demand compliance. It can sound like “God wants you to submit” or “don’t question the Lord’s anointed,” especially when the controlling person is a pastor, leader, or highly respected figure. This fosters dependency and isolation by implying that safety and belonging require silence. Other coercive control behaviors include monitoring phones, location, and finances; restricting access to food, clothing, healthcare, or work; cutting off friends and support systems; and using emotional punishment like the silent treatment or withdrawal of affection to force behavior. Over time, the victim’s world becomes smaller and the cost of disagreement feels dangerously high.

Consent is another critical area. Sexual coercion can occur without overt force, including persistent badgering, guilt, threats of withdrawal, or spiritualized pressure about “wifely duties.” Assent is not consent; true consent is freely given and enthusiastic without manipulation. When a person cannot control their yes because they are worn down or afraid of consequences, that is not a genuine agreement. Naming these dynamics matters because coercive control thrives on confusion. Survivors often ask, “How did I get here?” The answer is usually incremental escalation paired with tactics that keep the victim off balance.

Coercive control is not only psychologically damaging; it is physically harmful. Chronic stress changes the body through neurochemicals and inflammation, increasing risk for health problems over time. That is why we are adamant that all abuse is physical abuse, even when no one is hit. If you suspect coercive control, don’t panic. Get curious, gather data, and think about safety, because asking questions and setting boundaries can increase risk. Seek support from trained advocates and therapists who understand domestic abuse dynamics. If you fear you may be the controlling person, change is possible but requires ownership, accountability, and individual work rather than couples counseling. The path forward involves radical honesty, repentance, and sustained effort to become a safe person who no longer needs control to feel secure.

Don’t go this alone. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. We are here to help heal – whether you are the controlled or the controller. One of our amazing therapists or coaches is happy to walk with you in healing.

The post Coercive Control Deep Dive appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

You’ve probably typed “Do I have anxiety?” into a search bar before. Just me? Because I sure have!

Maybe your heart races, your thoughts spin, or you find yourself restless and on edge. Anxiety is one of the most common struggles. And yet, what looks like anxiety on the surface may actually be something deeper: unresolved trauma. It’s so common for clients to come to The Journey and The Process and say, “I think I’m anxious.”

Understanding the difference matters. Why? Because healing anxiety symptoms that are actually rooted in trauma requires a different approach than general stress-management tips. Let’s explore how you can begin to tell the difference.

What Anxiety Looks Like

Anxiety is your body and mind’s way of preparing for potential danger, even when no real threat exists. Common symptoms include:

• Racing thoughts or overthinking
• Restlessness or difficulty sleeping
• Feeling “on edge” most of the time
• Difficulty concentrating
• Irritability or muscle tension
• Panic attacks or sudden waves of fear

Anxiety is often future-oriented. Your brain is trying to predict and prevent what might go wrong.

What Trauma Looks Like

Trauma, on the other hand, is the result of overwhelming experiences that left your nervous system stuck in survival mode. Trauma responses often mimic anxiety, but there are key differences. Signs of trauma may include:

• Intrusive memories or flashbacks
• Emotional numbing or feeling disconnected from yourself or others
• Intense startle response (feeling “jumpy”)
• Avoiding people, places, or memories linked to painful experiences
• Feeling unsafe even in safe environments
• Physical sensations that seem to “come out of nowhere” (like tightness in the chest, stomach pain, or shakiness)

While anxiety is often about the future, trauma tends to pull you back into the past. Your body remembers, even when your mind doesn’t want to.

Why Trauma Gets Mistaken for Anxiety

Here’s the tricky part: trauma and anxiety are deeply connected. Many trauma survivors describe “constant anxiety” as one of their biggest struggles. That’s because unresolved trauma keeps your nervous system in high alert, sending the same signals as anxiety disorders. And you DO have the future-thinking stuff, too! It’s called “hypervigilance.”

This overlap is why so many people think they “just have anxiety” when in reality, their body is carrying old wounds that haven’t yet healed.

How to Begin Telling the Difference

If you’re wondering whether what you’re experiencing is trauma, here are a few reflection points:

• Does your fear feel bigger than the situation? Trauma responses are often disproportionate because your body is reliving the past.
• Do you feel unsafe even when nothing is wrong? Trauma can create a baseline of hypervigilance, like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• Do certain memories, sounds, or smells trigger intense reactions? This is more common with trauma than with generalized anxiety.
• Do you notice your body reacting before your brain catches up? Trauma is stored in the body and often shows up somatically.

If several of these resonate with you, your “anxiety” may actually be trauma.

Anxiety is Not All Bad

And, regardless, some level of anxiety will happen for people. Not all stress is bad – preparing for a wedding or buying a house or having a baby all bring some levels of anxiety, yet these are all generally perceived as positive life events. We don’t want to vilify healthy emotions. Even moments of strong anxiety – like a fear response if you encounter a bear while hiking – is good. It’s letting you know that you may need to take action!

Healing Is Possible

Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, trauma, or both, it doesn’t have to control your life. Healing happens when you give your nervous system a chance to settle, learn new patterns, and gently process old wounds.

Here at The Journey and The Process, we specialize in whole-person trauma therapy that goes beyond talk therapy. Using evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems, we help you address the root – not just the symptoms.

You don’t have to live in constant fear, restlessness, or disconnection. Healing is possible. And you don’t have to do it alone.

Next Step

If you’ve been wondering, “Is it anxiety or trauma?” you don’t have to guess anymore. One of our trained trauma therapists or biblical counselors can help you sort through the symptoms and find a path forward that brings peace, clarity, and relief. Reach out today to schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.

The post Is it Anxiety or Trauma? How to Tell the Difference appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Breathwork is often talked about as helpful, and for good reason. Deep breathing exercises, often called breathwork, and somatic practices that emphasize the breath can absolutely help many people calm their nervous systems, reconnect with their bodies, and find peace.

But what happens when it doesn’t help? What happens when slowing your breath makes your heart race faster? When closing your eyes and “going inward” takes you straight into a trauma vortex? When breathwork doesn’t actually feel like peace, instead it feels like drowning?

If that’s you, you’re not doing it wrong. You’re not broken. You’re not resistant to healing. You may simply be someone whose nervous system, because of past trauma, interprets “stillness” as danger.

Trauma Rewires the Nervous System and the Breath

When you’ve experienced trauma, especially complex trauma or abuse/coercive control that involved a lack of safety over time, your body gets really good at scanning for danger. In technical terms, your autonomic nervous system becomes biased toward survival. This often keeps you in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

So, when a well-meaning therapist says, “Just take a deep breath and feel safe in your body,” your system might scream, “Absolutely not.”

For trauma survivors, slowing down can be triggering. Stillness may have been when the deepest harm occurred. Breathwork can even mimic the sensations of a traumatic event: tightness in the chest, loss of control, dizziness, or helplessness. Our bodies freak out and then nope you right out of it.

In other words—breathwork might be too much, too soon.

Regulation Isn’t One Size Fits All

Trauma-specialized care means we don’t force strategies onto people, we follow the nervous system. Breathing and learning breathwork is can eventually be useful, but might not be the best way for you to start.

Some clients need to move before they breathe. Others need to speak, sing, stomp, or sway. Some need their eyes open. Some need a therapist present. Some need to not go inward at all. Sometimes you need to learn breathwork slowly. 

And all of that is valid.

It’s not about mastering breathwork, it’s about helping your body find safety.

What to Try Instead

If breathwork makes you feel worse, don’t push through. Try these instead:

• Orient to the present. Open your eyes. Look around the room. Name what you see, hear, and smell.
• Use movement. Rocking, walking, or stretching can help regulate before stillness.
• Try grounding through the senses. Hold a warm mug, run water over your hands, or squeeze a weighted pillow.
• Use external rhythm. Clap, tap to music, or listen to bilateral sounds (sounds that alternate from ear to ear – you can find some on YouTube). This can support regulation in a way the breath can’t yet for you.

Eventually, breathwork might become accessible to you. But only once your system says yes, not because someone told you it’s what you “should” do.

Neither You nor Your Body is the Problem

If breathwork feels scary or overwhelming, the problem isn’t you. The problem is the mismatch between what your body has lived through and what it’s being asked to tolerate. Go slow. Give yourself grace and compassion. 

Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to do what others say works. It’s about learning what safety actually feels like – for you.

And sometimes, the safest thing you can do… is not take a deep breath.

Here at The Journey and The Process, we specialize in trauma-focused, whole-person care. We have tools like EMDR and Brainspotting that can help you heal the way your nervous system needs. We’d love to come alongside you and help. Reach out today for your free discovery call and start healing. 

The post When Breathwork Backfires – Why It’s Not Always Safe for Trauma Recovery appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.