You Might Be the Family Scapegoat if…

• You feel like the black sheep in your family.
• You are blamed for problems that were never fully yours.
• Your mistakes are remembered longer than anyone else’s.
• Your successes are minimized, ignored, or picked apart.
• You feel emotionally excluded from your own family.
• You learned to stay quiet, shrink yourself, or over-explain to avoid criticism.
• You feel responsible for keeping the peace, even when you are hurting too. 
• You constantly feel misunderstood by the people closest to you.

You were often overlooked, ignored. Even your successes were brushed aside. You took the blame — for everything — even when it wasn’t your fault. Maybe you learned to stay small. Maybe you leaned into the role they gave you: difficult, dramatic, broken, too much. Maybe part of you started believing it. If any of this sounds familiar, you may be the family scapegoat — and you are far from alone.

You were the Scapegoat. 

The family scapegoat — often called the problem child, the bad apple, or the black sheep — is the member of the family system who can do no right and always does wrong. The scapegoated child becomes the emotional dumping ground for the entire family, carrying blame so others do not have to face their own shame, guilt, or dysfunction.

Signs You Are the Family Scapegoat

In many ways, the Scapegoat is the opposite of the Golden Child. Where the Golden Child is looked upon with expectation, the Scapegoat is monitored with suspicion.

The Scapegoat is unfairly criticized more than any other family member [6]. They are often seen to not do much right. Their successes are often overlooked, or are picked apart. Their wins are taken from them. The Scapegoat is almost always cast in a negative light. The scapegoated child may also feel ignored by their family, even if it seems they have time for each other or people outside of the family system [5]. 

Rather than accountability being taken for the treatment of the Scapegoat or the things being blamed on them, the family often justifies the situation. Parents may find excuses as to why they have deemed one child the Scapegoat through evidence of past behaviors or mistakes [5].

The Emotional Weight of Being the Family Scapegoat

Being the Scapegoat can feel incredibly isolating. They are often blamed for all the problems going on at home: the arguments, the debt, or the mental health issues [2]. They take on all of the blame of hardship within the family system, giving others the space to not feel certain uncomfortable emotions, such as shame, blame, guilt, and inadequacy. This often leads to isolation or exclusion emotionally or physically from family activities, gatherings, or conversations [6]. Siblings may separate themselves from the Scapegoat in order to not be associated with the family shame, they may even join in on the blame. 

The Scapegoat often develops their own way of managing their situation–through humor or blunt honesty. Some Scapegoats survive by disconnecting from their emotions completely, while others feel everything intensely with no safe place to put them [2]. The Scapegoat is often left to cope on their own. This emotional abandonment and isolation can create emotional and social issues in the Scapegoat’s life as a child and through adulthood. They may act out or rebel, becoming the outcast their family treats them as [8]. 

Gaslighting is a common form of abuse toward the Scapegoat. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser distorts the reality of their victim to undermine their perception of truth [6]. In the case of scapegoating, the abuser may invalidate the Scapegoat’s experiences and emotions [6]. This leaves the Scapegoat to feel confused and vulnerable. 

How the Family Scapegoat Role Is Created

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

Many who have unresolved trauma as part of their story will go on to reenact those damaging patterns in other relationships. That may be the case for family systems with scapegoating dynamics [6]. Along with this, unprocessed generational trauma can wreak havoc on family systems [4].

The Scapegoat is often selected when a family is unable to work through their problems through healthy patterns, such as communication or honesty [2]. In these families, communication is usually poor and conflicts often are left unresolved [6].

Instead, these dysfunctional families select one child and project their blame and distress onto them. The Scapegoat becomes the identified problem, something for the family to be able to fix instead of focusing on the actual issues [8]. This allows the family to seek a false sense of security or stability through maintaining “homeostasis.” [4].

Myth Busting: There is a common myth that all scapegoating happens in families that are led by a parent with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies. Keep in mind that family scapegoating is a mechanism of the system and not just a personality trait of a parent, sibling, or other family members [4]. 

Projection

Projection can be a large motivator for the presence of scapegoating behaviors in a dysfunctional family system. Projection occurs when family members assign their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors onto the Scapegoat [6]. Sometimes, parents will choose the scapegoated child based on similarities they may see in the child to their own perceived failures, slights, or insecurities–the parent may see all the things they don’t like about themselves in the scapegoated child [6].

In turn, the Scapegoat is groomed to accept all the responsibility of the family’s faults so that the abusers can escape the pain of these emotions [3, 7].

Weaponized Traits

The Scapegoat can be selected for a variety of reasons, but it is never the child’s fault. Whatever the reason, the characteristics observed in the Scapegoat were chosen out of someone else’s shame, not based on any actual deficiency in the child’s being.

The Scapegoat often has characteristics that make them stand out in their family unit, traits that the dysfunctional family weaponizes. The Scapegoat may be unique, threatening the family’s demand for conformity (e.g., neurodivergence, LGBTQ+, different political views, challenging religious views, etc.) [4]. The Scapegoat may also be chosen based on how they challenge authority or point out the dysfunctional patterns in the family [1, 6]. They are often the family member who is reacting most honestly to the dysfunction around them. They may be the one who refuses to pretend that everything is okay.

When there is a family member who has a tangible concern that brings strain on the dysfunctional family system, that makes the child more likely to be chosen as the Scapegoat. Other family members may feel the child needs the most help, therefore they are the biggest issue [2]. When more focus is already placed on the child, it is easier to put more blame on them, further alienating them from the family system [7].

Long-term Effects of Growing Up as the Family Scapegoat

Growing up as the blamed child, the Scapegoat may become an adult who struggles with their relationships with others, especially with authority [8]. The Scapegoat can grow to have trust issues and may not believe others have their best interest at heart; they may be hesitant to be vulnerable or intimate with others in fear they will be treated the same way they were growing up [7]. 

This blame causes daily emotional abandonment from those in the child’s life who are meant to care most about them, and love them unconditionally [3]. When a child is blamed long enough, they often stop questioning the blame and start questioning themselves, their worth [7]. These beliefs can lead to self-sabotage. The Scapegoat may seek out relationships that mimic these patterns in platonic, work, and romantic relationships [7]. 

Scapegoated children may develop co-dependent tendencies in their relationships, finding responsibility in managing their partner’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. They may sacrifice their own needs in order to fulfill their partner’s in an attempt to gain their love and acceptance [3]. This tendency toward co-dependency is a form of fawning, a reaction of their nervous system in survival mode. 

The scapegoated child may grow to resent their family, themselves, and in-turn, isolate themselves further [7]. They may feel the need to constantly defend themselves, existing in survival mode. They may over-explain themselves to avoid blame, or assume people will misunderstand them. The constancy of living in this heightened state can develop into symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), especially if other manipulative and destructive tactics are utilized (e.g., gaslighting, villainizing) [7]. 

These negative narratives that have been spoken over them their entire life can become the framework for how they view themselves. The Scapegoat can begin to believe that they are “worthless,” or “broken,” or “the problem.” When a child is buried in criticism and judgment, they will naturally have emotional reactions to this maltreatment. In an environment where these emotions are not accepted or safe, the child may turn them inward [3]. 

One of the biggest pieces of collateral in the Scapegoat dynamic is the child’s feeling of self-worth. Low self-worth and intense experiences of shame and guilt can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy [7]. Many scapegoated children can grow up to not fully know who they are as a person outside of the perception of family members [6]. 

What Healing Looks Like

Parents of the Scapegoat

Parents of the Scapegoat, it isn’t too late to mend this damage. There are a number of ways to create healing in the family dynamic when there is a Scapegoat present: 

• Take Accountability

There is healing in speaking the truth out loud. The Scapegoat often comes to be because of the avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. When parents take accountability for this avoidance and genuinely acknowledge that the Scapegoat is carrying things that they were never meant to carry, healing can be possible. 

• Do The Work

The Scapegoat often develops because of the unresolved trauma in the family unit. Parents of scapegoated children, this means you. It is normal for unresolved trauma to be reenacted, that does not make it okay. Seeking help and guidance in a therapist can be a great place to start.

Many of these scapegoating dynamics exist because of the avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. Learning how to sit with discomfort, failure, conflict, and honesty can allow healing to happen. 

• Accept Boundaries

Forgiveness may not be immediate, if ever present, in the healing journey with a scapegoated child. This repair can be offered through consistency, change, and boundaries. The scapegoated child may need space, distance, or silence from the family dynamic that brought so much harm. Allowing them the space to heal is honoring.

The Scapegoat

You deserve healing. None of this was ever your fault. The narratives those who were meant to love you put on you are not true. You might not know how to get out from under them. You don’t have to do it alone. 

• Setting Boundaries

The Scapegoat deserves boundaries, especially when they were rarely given. When the scapegoating dynamic is present, it is not a reflection on the child and their worth, but on the family’s dysfunction. It is okay to set boundaries with family, especially if they are not in a place to acknowledge the damage done [1].

• Reparenting Yourself

There can be so much healing in providing oneself with care, love, acceptance, and attention that was lacking in childhood [7]. Getting to know their own needs, healthy ways to self-soothe, and discovering their strengths can be healing for the Scapegoat. 

Exploring their identity outside of the family narrative can be a great way to grow. It can be healing to explore hobbies or interests that may have been dismissed by family members. Then, the Scapegoat can decide for themselves if it is something worth doing [1].

 Note: This is one of the biggest roadblocks in the Scapegoat’s healing journey. It can be difficult and feel wrong to intentionally seek themselves after being the family’s problem their whole life [8]. You are so worth knowing. It is not selfish to get to know yourself.

• Therapy & Community

Healing happens in community. Reconnecting with others can help the Scapegoat overcome the isolation and lies told to them by their dysfunctional family unit. Finding who they are among others can bring healing and growth. This community can be found in support groups, friendships, and other professional communities, such as a therapist [1]. A therapist can help the Scapegoat challenge and identify the narratives that have been woven into their identity. 

Family therapy would be beneficial for this broken dynamic, though it is doubtful that the family would agree to attend sessions [6]. 

Final Thoughts

The problem child. The bad apple. The punching bag. The rebellious one. The difficult child. The family scapegoat. Whatever name was given to you, it was never the truth of who you are.

It may have felt like you couldn’t do anything right. You may feel rotten, broken, or completely at fault. You are worth so much more than these lies that were spoken over you. You don’t have to do this alone. Healing is difficult, it can feel wrong, and completely isolating. But it is worth it, you are worth it. You were never meant to carry an entire family’s pain alone. 

If any of this is resonating with you, whether you’re the scapegoated child or the parents realizing that maybe this is something you did or are doing, and you’d like to speak with someone about it, we have a team of wonderful therapists and coaches here at the Journey and the Process who would love to walk alongside your healing journey. You don’t have to go it alone and healing is possible. We would love to walk with you! Reach out below for a free, 15-minute consultation today.

Did you miss the last blog? Grab it here!

References

[1] Alpern, P. (2024). The family scapegoat: A symptom of dysfunction. Center Psychology Group. https://www.centerpsychologygroup.com/2024/12/12/the-family-scapegoat-a-symptom-of-dysfunction/ 

[2] Embark Behavioral Health (2025). Dysfunctional Family Roles: Identifying and Addressing Them. Embark Behavioral Health. https://www.embarkbh.com/treatment/therapies/family-therapy/dysfunctional-family-roles/ 

[3] Kindera, J. (2023). Codependency & Trauma–The scapegoat unmasked. CPTSD Foundation. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/11/28/codependency-trauma-the-scapegoat-unmasked/ 

[4] Mandeville, R.C. (n.d.). Healing from family scapegoating abuse: The power of naming the unseen. Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) Recovery. https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/what-is-family-scapegoating-abuse/ 

[5] Mimms, K. (2023). Family scapegoat: Signs, effects, & How to cope. Choosing Therapy. Medically reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/family-scapegoat/ 

[6] Schwartz, A. (2025). Toxic families and the scapegoat role. Mental Health. https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/toxic-families-navigating-the-challenges-of-being-a-family-scapegoat 

[7] Smith, A. (2024). From blame to empowerment–Healing as the family scapegoat. Boston Post Adoption Resources. https://bpar.org/from-blame-to-empowerment-healing-as-the-family-scapegoat/ 

[8] Wright, A. (2026). The golden child: The burden of being the ‘easy’ one. Annie Wright. https://anniewright.com/golden-child-high-achieving-women/ 

The post The Family Scapegoat: Understanding the Black Sheep Role and How to Heal appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

You Might Be Experiencing the Golden Child Syndrome If…

• You feel anxious when you’re not being productive
• You struggle to know what you actually want
• You seek acceptance, but praise often feels uncomfortable
• You fear disappointing people more than anything
• You put everyone else’s needs above your own
• You’ve been called “mature for your age” your entire life

You were the easy one, the pleasure to have in class, the one your parents didn’t have to worry about. You knew how to be good. You had everything together. You made it look so easy. No one saw what it cost you to stay that way.

You were the Golden Child.

In a family system, each person often falls into a role – spoken or unspoken. It’s the way the system seems to function, with each member fulfilling a duty. This 14-part series explores common family roles found in dysfunctional family systems and how they shape the way we show up in relationships, work, and identity. We’re starting with the one that often gets praised the most…and questioned the least. Golden child syndrome.

The Golden Child is the favored child who often receives special treatment, high praise, and meets high standards. The Golden Child is often the one who can do no wrong – or more accurately, the one who is not allowed to.

Let’s also quickly explain what we mean here by syndrome. A syndrome is a group of behaviors or traits that tend to occur together. A syndrome describes what is happening, but unlike a disorder, it doesn’t always have a single, clearly understood root cause. As you’ll see, the Golden Child Syndrome is formed through a varied family system dynamic that has many layers that include the role he/she is placed in and learns and his/her own way of being that is part of the innate self.

What it Looks Like:

From the outside, The Golden Child may look privileged and highly regarded in their family. They may receive constant praise for their achievements, earned or not. But this praise comes with strings attached.

The Golden Child is often held to unrealistic expectations and face consequences when they are not met. Consequences in this role do not often look like punishment in the traditional sense but instead may come in the form of the withholding of love and acceptance. The Golden Child learns quickly: if they are not “perfect,” they are not worthy of love.

What it Feels Like to Be the Golden Child

Being the Golden Child can be incredibly lonely. They are often ostracized from their siblings; the pedestal they’re placed on keeps them out of reach. The siblings of the Golden Child often develop resentment and jealousy. The Golden Child may cope with this elevated status by developing entitlement-oriented and superiority-driven traits that live up to this “perfect” image they seek to obtain. From the outside, their suffering can look like privilege. What it really is, though, is a coping mechanism to receive love and care.

The Golden Child often develops intense people-pleasing tendencies, carrying the belief that others’ needs must come before their own. Many Golden Children struggle to identify what their own needs could be, their identity slowly shaping itself around expectations and external praise.

Perfectionism and the fear of failure become the armor the Golden Child learns to wear. When someone is taught that their worth is directly derived from their ability to be “perfect,” failure becomes a terrifying option.

How the Golden Child is Formed (Golden Child Syndrome)

Favoritism plays a lead role in the formation of golden child syndrome. One child is often selected as the idol in the sibling line-up, assigned to take on the expectations and dreams of the family system.

The Golden Child’s existence may revolve around the parents’ attempt to live vicariously through them. Rather than being a separate being with their own strengths, weaknesses, hopes, and dreams, the Golden Child becomes an extension of the parent or caregiver. This version of themselves the parents see through their Golden Child is an idealized version. When the Golden Child does not live up to this dream and ambition, they are often harshly criticized.

This criticism often comes wrapped in the package of coercion. The family system makes it unsafe for the Golden Child to be anything aside from “perfect.” The child may not feel safe voicing their opinions or feelings.

Conditional love becomes the foundation of the Golden Child’s world. Their identity, motivations, and role become defined by the approval and acceptance of their family system. Yet, the system has taught them that the only way they can gain this approval and acceptance is through performance. This codependent and symbiotic relationship between parents and the Golden Child fuels the system and ensures the Golden Child continues seeking approval and strives to accomplish the family’s goals. The Golden Child learns that if they stop performing properly or agreeing wholly, the love vanishes. Their nervous systems become wired for relentless achievement and hypervigilance in seeking acceptance or rejection.

What it Costs You to Be the Golden Child

Bessel van der Kolk, MD, a psychiatrist and trauma researcher, found that childhoods fraught with conditional approval produces hyperactive threat-detection systems in the nervous system that endure into adulthood. Conditional love breeds hypervigilance in Golden Children – one of the most enduring effects of golden child syndrome. These Golden Children often grow into adults who are trained to monitor and respond to others’ emotional states in order to maintain their own safety. Existing in a constant state of fearing rejection can quickly escalate to emotional burnout, chronic stress, and other states of havoc in the Golden Child’s nervous system. The Golden Child’s body may stay on high alert, even in moments that are supposed to feel safe.

Growing up in a home where their parents offered love in return for accomplishment, the Golden Child often seeks external validation. They may struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and autonomy outside of their parents’ expectations and validation. As adults, this can morph into a desire to hear external validation from other authority figures, such as a boss, or from their romantic partners.

The Golden Child from childhood to adulthood may struggle with criticism. In their role, failure or perceived weakness was enough to challenge their worth as a human. If they were to not meet expectations, they were no longer worthy of being loved. When someone criticizes them, even constructively, it can feel like a personal attack. Many Golden Children do not tolerate this type of feedback.

In turn, the Golden Child as an adult may also struggle to accept positive feedback as well. Growing up in a home where their identity was crafted by praise, receiving compliments may feel dangerous and trigger their same anxiety from childhood.

The Golden Child’s self-image is one of the most devastating casualties of golden child syndrome. Unable to form an identity outside of their family’s acceptance and praise, the Golden Child may view themselves constantly as “not good enough” when “perfect” is out of reach. This inadequacy haunts the Golden Child throughout their life, in their relationships, career aspirations, and achievements unless they begin to examine their way of being. They may find it difficult to trust their own judgment, leading to difficulties becoming independent and making decisions. In their roles as adults, they may develop imposter syndrome, not believing they are capable or worthy of their positions because they are never quite “good enough.”

Dan Siegel, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry, found that children raised with performance-based, conditional love are significantly more likely to show symptoms of anxiety and lower inherent motivation in adulthood compared to the children in homes with unconditional positive regard. We worked with a teen client whose parents were exacting in their expectations and she, needing their love and support, worked hard to meet them. The result was burnout and suicidality at the tender age of just sixteen.

The Golden Children as Golden Adults become anxious and struggle to find motivation away from their parents’ approval. Rest can begin to feel unsafe, even if earned. Slowing down can feel like losing your worth. It often leads the Golden Child to constantly over-book or overload themselves in an attempt to avoid that feeling.

Relationships with family are often casualties to being anointed the Golden Child. Sibling dynamics are often fraught with jealousy and resentment from the other siblings and guilt from the Golden Child. They often carry guilt–knowing, even if they couldn’t fully name it, that the way they were treated wasn’t the same as everyone else. The Golden Child may develop resentment toward their parents, creating a complicated source of inadequacy, lost worth, and lack of identity.

What Healing Looks Like:

Parents

Parents of Golden Children, it isn’t too late to mend this imbalance. There are a number of ways to create healing in the family dynamic when you realize you’ve inadvertently created Golden Child syndrome for one of your children:

1. Setting Healthy Boundaries

Creating boundaries in the family that ensures attention is balanced between siblings is a strong way to amend the damage created by the Golden Child role. With our young client, the parents were able to see as we worked together how their expectations were formed by their own struggles and fears and were able to balance the family dynamic.

1. Encourage Identity Independent of Praise

Parental praise cannot be the end-all-be-all of the child’s worth. Encouraging the children to explore their own experiences and feelings about them can help remediate this damage. Rather than praising the child’s accomplishments, parents can honor the traits the child exhibited (e.g., courage, strength, wisdom, kindness, honesty, empathy, curiosity, etc.). For our client and her family, her parents actively praised things other than her accomplishments. They also praised her accomplishments, which is appropriate and needed, but it was no longer the sum total of the praise they gave.

Outside of praise, creating a space where children can explore their own identity, interests, and beliefs can be a wonderful way to help bring healing to the Golden Child. Encourage the children to make decisions based on their values rather than on the influence of the parents. For our client family, this meant looking carefully over the extracurricular activities for the teen. Some serious cuts were made in her schedule and she was able to lean more fully into her interests and activities, not just what her parents thought would get her into the best college.

1. Therapy

Surprise, surprise that the therapist is recommending therapy as a remedy for this dynamic. I hear you. Let me explain. Therapy for both the parents and the children can be a wonderful way to create a safe space for everyone to examine what was going on for this dynamic to be present. Whether it’s individual or family therapy, it can bring in an empathetic third-party who is rooting for all of you, willing to get in the trenches with you to explore this and bring healing. It’s not easy work, but you don’t have to do it alone. Our client family did excellent work both individually and as a family. We saw much of the anxiety our teen client was experiencing melt away as the pressure was lifted.

The Golden Child

Healing is very possible. You are so deserving of it. Healing often begins when you realize your worth was never meant to be earned. You might start to wonder who you actually are outside of who you were expected to be.

1. Gather Your Tribe

It is not all on the Golden Child to heal. Healing is done in community and in practice. Through self-reflection, open-communication, and emotional support, healing is available. And, yes, therapy is incredibly helpful for those who are on this healing journey. Having a therapist on your side can help facilitate this growth and healing.

1. Boundaries

Just as the parents need boundaries when raising their children, it is important for Golden Children to establish boundaries when healing. The Golden Child is encouraged to set boundaries based on their own values and beliefs, to recognize their own needs and limitations. Our teen client was able to express the activities she liked and did not like. At first it was super scary for her since she’d never given her own opinion to her parents. She was able to learn to speak up and respectfully state what she enjoyed and what was too much in her schedule.

1. Reclaim Independence

In healing, adult Golden Children are encouraged to explore their own interests, apart from the expectations put on them as children. Relocation can potentially be an option, if needing physical space away from their family. The healing Golden Child is encouraged to find themselves, through play, through choice, through vulnerability.

Conclusion

The easy one. The pleasure to have in class. The hero. The saint. The Golden Child.

So much was expected of you–and even more was taken from you. Oftentimes parents don’t mean this with malice, but it doesn’t make Golden Child syndrome any easier. Healing is possible. I know it feels like you have to do it perfectly, that you have to do it right. It takes learning and practice to let go of those standards set for you so long ago. You don’t have to do it alone. Healing is messy, but it is worth it. You are worth it.

If any of this is resonating with you and you’re ready to finally rest and heal, we’d love to help you. Reach out today for a free, 15-minute consultation with one of our amazing therapists or coaches.

References

[1] Bay Area CBT Center (2024). Exploring the golden child syndrome: Navigating the complexities with trauma therapy. Bay Area CBT Center. https://bayareacbtcenter.com/golden-child/

[2] DeWitt, H. (2024). Golden child syndrome: How does it develop, and what effect does it have? Thriveworks. Clinically reviewed by Christine Ridley, LCSW. https://thriveworks.com/help-with/children-teens-adolescents/golden-child-syndrome/

[3] Embark Behavioral Health (2025). Dysfunctional family roles: Identifying and addressing them. Embark Behavioral Health. https://www.embarkbh.com/treatment/therapies/family-therapy/dysfunctional-family-roles/

[4] Martino, M. (2025). Understanding golden child syndrome: Symptoms, impacts, and strategies for healing. Handspring. Medically reviewed by Amy Kranzler, PhD. https://www.handspringhealth.com/post/understanding-golden-child-syndrome

[5] Wright, A. (2026). The golden child: The burden of being the ‘easy’ one. Annie Wright. https://anniewright.com/golden-child-high-achieving-women/

The post Golden Child Syndrome – What it is and how to heal appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Make a To-Do List
Ruminating on worries can cause lots of stress. Clear your mind by making a to-do list. Put down everything that needs to be done into your phone or onto a sheet of paper, and as you write them down, visualize yourself removing this task from your mind onto the list. If you can delegate some parenting to a partner that may be a great help. If not, also be mindful of what you can and cannot do and learn to be okay with the cannot do list.

Watch Your Language
Many times parents believe things will get better when their children move on to the next phase of their maturity. However, the truth is that the worry will continue until you change your pattern of thought. To do this, watch the language you use to describe things. Don’t use phrases such as, “this will be a disaster if I don’t get it done on time” or “I’ll die of embarrassment if I forget.”

Also change thoughts of “I have to” to “I want to”. For example, instead of saying “I have to sign the kids up for karate” say, “I want to sign the kids up for karate because I know they’ll love it.”

There is no competition
Parenting sometimes feels like a competition – kid’s grades, extracurricular activities, etc. get put under a microscope. “Are we doing enough? Will our kiddo get into a good college?” It’s important to remember it’s not a competition. Your kiddo is unique and what may work for one family may not work for yours. Are you a single parent with a special needs child? Maybe you don’t want to enroll your kiddo in all kinds extracurricular activities so each night of the week is taken. Do you have multiple kiddos? Maybe they all aren’t enrolled in four sports each. Be balanced. Your kiddo does not need fourteen pages of extracurricular stuff to go to college or trade school.

Practice Mindfulness Exercises
If your anxiety is difficult to control, try deep-breathing from your belly. While you do this, concentrate on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. This can help calm you when you’re feeling a panic or anxiety attack start to arise.

Use Your Support Network
Call your friends or family to chat or ask for advice. It may also help to vent with a Facebook parenting group or other online message board. Be mindful here, though! Anything said online sticks around – do not vent about your kids or be overly personal about struggles. Your children deserve some respect and privacy and one day they could read what you wrote. Also, people are more likely to say things on social media they’d never say in person – if you’re upset wait awhile before you post! You can also call your therapist and make an appointment and work through your challenges.

Try these tips to control and cope with your anxiety, and enjoy the time with your children free from worry.

If you’re feeling frazzled and like you can’t get out and would like to explore how counseling might be helpful, feel free to reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute phone consultation. I would be happy to explore how I may be able to help you. If we are a good fit, appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

The post 5 Ways to Cope with Parenting and Anxiety appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

1. Focus on the Children

By maintaining the focus on what’s best for your children, you can work toward providing as peaceful a home as possible for them. Providing them loving stability and structure will help ease them through this time of transition. That means putting your own hurts from the divorce aside when talking to or parenting your kids. Even if that means taking loads of deep breaths if you hear something about which you may not agree.

2. Communication is Essential

As you go through your divorce, your communication with your ex will inevitably suffer. It may be difficult to communicate with him/her; you may not want to talk to, or hear from, your ex. However, it’s important that communication regarding the children is maintained, and that your children are not used as messengers (i.e., “Tell your father you have a recital on Friday”). Communicate directly with your spouse, finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary (text, email, letters, etc.). You can communicate in many ways, such as text or email, if talking in person or on the phone is too challenging.

3. Just the Facts

If you’re harboring resentment or have unfinished emotional business with your ex, the desire to express your emotional needs can feel overwhelming. Make a commitment to yourself that for the sake of your children’s well being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues. If you are struggling a lot, consider seeing a therapist and working through those feelings.

4. Embrace Change

As you go through your divorce, there will be a great deal of change for yourself, your ex and your children. By expecting and embracing change, you’ll reduce the stress you feel when the unexpected presents itself. Do not, under any circumstances, speak negatively about your ex to your children. Remember the other person is their parent and they don’t need to feel like they have to choose a loyalty.

5. Prioritize Your Health

Maintaining your health is important not only for you, but for your children as well. As they learn to cope with the changes in their family, having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust. Your children depend on you, and you owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent. Additionally, taking time to exercise and eat healthy will help you take the focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, and making positive changes in your life.

As we go through a divorce, we mourn the relationship lost, and the dreams we had of the future. Although your ex is no longer your partner, your ex is still your child’s parent, and you will always be co-parents of the children you have together. Learning to get along and communicate will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with their parents’ divorce.

If you’re going through a divorce and struggling to co-parent effectively, call me today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

The post Co-Parenting Strategies for Divorced Parents appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Studies have found that teens who have presented with a mood disorder or who abuse drugs are at the greatest risk of attempting suicide. While research suggests girls attempt suicide more often, boys more often die from it.

Unfortunately, there is still much stigma surrounding depression and suicide, and so often these kids keep their emotional pain to themselves.

What can parents of teenagers do to keep their children safe and healthy?

Speak with Your Kid

Many parents believe that trying to speak with their kids about their moods and feelings will only push them farther away. This is a dangerous misconception. In reality, teenagers need to know they are safe, loved, and cared for.

You may want to begin your conversation by asking general questions about what’s going on in their life. When the time feels right, you can ask if they have ever had thoughts of self-harm. If their answer alarms you, ask specifically if they are planning on or intending to harm themselves. Do not freak out and yell. That is only going to keep them from telling you more. Be concerned, and ask questions. As hard as it is to hear your teen is having these thoughts, it’s so important for you to be a safe place they can share them.

Validate Their Feelings

Once you’ve begun this sensitive dialogue with your teen, it’s important to actively listen and validate their feelings. Your kid must really believe you are a) hearing what they’re telling you and b) recognizing the importance of it. Try and listen without judgement. This will help your child relax and open up, thereby giving you an opportunity to learn even more about their inner emotional life. If you don’t know how to validate someone in this situation without expressing agreement, please reach out so we can explore how I may be able to help in this area (919-891-0525).

Clarify the Situation

If your teen confides they are having thoughts of suicide, it’s incredibly important that you remain calm and ask questions that will help you clarify the situation. You will want to determine if they are mentioning suicide because they:

• Want to tell you just how bad they are feeling.
• Alert you to something they need but are not getting.
• Need to vocalize their desire to stop feeling so many emotions.
• Have actually planned how and when they will take their life.

Seek Professional Guidance

Any talk of suicide is a serious matter and requires professional guidance by a trained therapist, even if you think they aren’t going to make a suicide attempt. It’s important not to force your teen into any treatment plan, but instead, allow them to help direct the course of their plan. Some of their depression might stem from an overall lack of control they feel they have in their own life, so it’s important you let them have a voice in the direction of treatment. You may also find that you will want to speak with someone through this difficult time.

That said, if there is a plan and immediate danger you need to take your teen to the hospital. Keeping them alive long enough so they can help determine the course of treatment is paramount. All threats regarding suicide should be taken seriously. No matter what time of day it is, you can reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. 

If you or a loved one is seeking treatment options for a troubled teen, I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help your family. Reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. Appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

The post A Parent’s Guide to Teen Depression and Suicide appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.