One of the most confusing—and discouraging—parts of healing from trauma is this:

You finally start doing the work, and instead of feeling better, you feel worse at first.

You feel more emotional, more tired, more tender. Sometimes you also feel more angry, sad, or overwhelmed than before. That can feel super frustrating when what you’re trying to do through healing is feel better.

If that’s where you find yourself, this is not failure. Very often, it’s actually a sign that healing is happening.

Healing is More Like Surgery than a Spa Day

Yes, we realize that is lame. Spa days are far more fun in the moment. Many people expect healing to feel immediately relieving—like rest, peace, or clarity. The bummer is trauma healing doesn’t usually work that way.

A more accurate comparison is surgery.

Before surgery, the injury or illness exists, but the body has learned to compensate. We might learn to walk with a limp. Or we might get used to a baseline level of pain. After surgery—after something real has been addressed—there is pain, swelling, fatigue, and vulnerability. We’re more tender in those moments. That’s not because something went wrong, but because something important and disruptive happened.

Trauma therapy works similarly. When you begin to gently open places that were sealed for survival, your system responds. Emotions that were frozen, postponed, or numbed begin to move. We feel tender and the movement can hurt.

Healing Can Be Loud Before It Is Gentle

There’s another image that helps explain this phase of healing. I had no idea this was a thing until literally as I was writing this and I went, “Oh my goodness. That feels super related to this article I’m writing on healing…” So I have no other choice but to include it. You’re welcome.

When temperatures drop suddenly, frozen lakes sometimes make startling sounds—booms, groans, screeches, even noises that sound like metal cracking or explosions. It can feel alarming if you don’t know what’s happening. Imagine standing by a peaceful, frozen lake and it starts screaming at you.

But those sounds aren’t signs of something terrible. though please don’t stand on the ice in that moment because it’s shifting. Those noises signal the ice moving – there is a rapid stress change and release. The ice shrinks suddenly and it has a whole lot to say about it.

Healing can be quite vocal, too.

When safety increases—when therapy, support, or compassion enter the picture—your nervous system may finally release what it’s been holding. The emotions can feel intense, unfamiliar, even frightening.

That doesn’t mean you’re breaking more. It really means something long-frozen is thawing out and clamoring for attention.

Grief Often Emerges When Healing Begins

Another reason healing can feel harder before it feels better is this: grief tends to surface once safety is present. We say it often – all trauma work is grief work.

Grief for what you endured.
Grief for what you didn’t receive.
Grief for the parts of yourself that had to disappear to survive.

Grief work is often a necessary part of healing. We often avoid it like the plague, but it’s needed. It actually helps you expand and grown. It’s looking at the reality of the harm that happened and entering into lament. Your system is no longer just surviving—it’s beginning to process and moving toward truly living.

There Are No Bad Emotions

When difficult emotions surface, many people immediately worry they’re doing something wrong. In fact, we often refer to the less pleasant emotions as “negative”. But emotions like sadness, anger, fear, grief, and even despair are not problems to eliminate.

There are no bad emotions.

Emotions are signals. They carry information. They move when they are allowed space, pacing, and support. As therapist Emma Ward notes, they are tunnels to move through.

Feeling deeply does not mean you are broken, it really means your body and mind are responding honestly to what you’ve lived through. Also, feeling depth is unique to the individual. My depth and yours don’ have to be the same to be profound. Your healing process is yours and comparing to others isn’t helpful.

When This is the Moment to Reach for Support

Just like recovery after surgery—or navigating unstable ice that may or may not be screaming at you—this is not work meant to be done alone.

If healing feels louder, heavier, or more emotionally demanding right now, that doesn’t mean you should stop. It may mean you need steady, skilled support to help your system regulate while the deeper work unfolds.

Trauma-informed therapy and coaching offers a place where:

• Emotions can move without overwhelming you
• Grief can be held with care
• Your nervous system can learn safety, not just endurance

If you’re considering therapy—or already in it and wondering if what you’re experiencing is normal—you’re not weak, behind, or failing. You may be in the very place where meaningful healing is taking root.

If you’d like support as you navigate this tender season, our therapists and coaches are here to walk alongside you with care, expertise, and respect for your whole person—mind, body, and spirit. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation.

The post Why Healing Feels Worse Before it Feels Better (and Why That’s Not Failure) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Experiencing grief differs for each person. How we endure, experience, and eventually thrive is unique to each individual. Although Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are very well known, they are still imperfect: not everyone will experience those exact emotions. There is no road map and no timeline when it comes to grief. When you start to feel better is largely up to you.

One of the most important things to recognize when it comes to grief is that the length of time you spend in mourning, or the depths of the sadness you feel, are not a measure of how much you treasured the loved one you lost. At the same time, it’s unhealthy to try and “skip over” the period of mourning by burying yourself in work or play. The only way to the destination at the end is to walk the road and to do that you must let the feelings come up: cry when you need to cry, and laugh when you need to laugh. If the sorrow you’re experiencing is overwhelming, here are some activities to try and alleviate it.

Schedule time to cry. If you find yourself spending too much time crying and upset, schedule a time to feel sad. Give yourself one hour when you can cry as much as you like. But when the hour is up, wash your face and do something nice for yourself.

Do something in honor of your loved one. This can be making a donation in their name, volunteering, planting a tree, or baking their favorite cake.

Write. Write your loved one a letter or journal your feelings.

Meditate. Find a quiet place to meditate or pray. Visit your place of worship or read religious books you find comforting.

Exercise. Go for a walk, go to the gym, or take a yoga class. Try something new, or do something familiar – whichever feels better to you.

Although someone you loved has died, who they were has left a permanent mark on you: you are forever changed because of them. Honor their memory by honoring their life, and honor their life by making the best out of yours.

If you’re feeling stuck in your grief and would like to explore how counseling might be helpful, feel free to reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute phone consultation. I would be happy to explore how I may be able to help you. If we are a good fit, appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

The post When Will I Start Feeling Better? Experiencing Grief for the First Time appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Returning to work while grieving is quite tough. You need to figure out how to be productive and deal with your colleagues who may start to act differently around you because they don’t know how to comfort you. You may not be able to control how everyone else acts, but you can make your return to work while grieving a little easier. From dealing with awkward conversations to accomplishing tasks, here are a few tips to help you navigate your work life while grieving.

1. Have an honest conversation with your employer- Be frank with your employer, and let them know your struggles. Explain that you might not operate at an optimal level for a while. Tell them exactly what you need, so they can help you. Ask for mental health days, work from home opportunities or anything else that you need while you grieve.

2. Focus on doing- It might be tempting to shut down and do nothing, but trying to be productive and crossing tasks off your checklists can distract you and prevent you from being consumed by painful feelings.

3. Ask for help- People generally want to help those who are grieving but don’t know exactly how to go about it. Don’t be ashamed to ask your colleagues for help. Instead of insisting that everything is great, tell them what you need. They’d be happy to pick up your workload, so you can focus more on healing.

4. Create a sanctuary- Find a quiet place to retreat to when things get a little too much, and you just want to have a good cry. It could be your car, or a room where people don’t go into often.

5. Carry tissues- You might find yourself crying a lot when you least expect it. Keep tissues handy, so you can clean your tears or runny nose when you’re done.

Always remember that grief is an important step to healing, in the wake of a loved one’s death. When you get back to work, be honest about how you feel with yourself and others. Don’t try to rush the mourning process. The sooner you confront your grief, and live through it, the sooner you’d be able to live the rest of your life in a happier and productive manner.

It really helps to see a grief counsellor or therapist if you feel like you need assistance coping with your emotions. Remember, it’s not a sign of weakness but an intelligent decision to help you move forward. If you want to explore delving into your grief with a therapist, I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help. Reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. Appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

The post 5 Suggestions for Coping with Grief at Work appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

When dealing with grief, it may feel like you can’t move forward, or you don’t know how you can continue living in a world without your loved one in it.

To help deal with these intense and overwhelming emotions, turning to meditation can help. Meditation is a practice of calm and being mindful, where the frenetic thoughts and worries in your mind are quieted for a moment of reflection and being present. Through meditation, you can begin to calm your emotions, assess your feelings, and come to a place of acceptance and peace.

A Meditation to Cope with Grief:

Choose a quiet, comfortable space to sit where you can be alone for 15 to 20 minutes. Play some soft ambient music if you like.

Close your eyes and begin by taking slow, mindful and natural deep breaths: in through the nose, then slowly exhale.

Try to push away any thoughts or worries and concentrate only on being in this moment.

Think of the face of the person you’re missing, and imagine them before you, now. You can imagine that their spirit is there with you, or you can simply envision their face.

Express anything you’d like to them. Focus on making the conversation loving and compassionate. If you’d like, you can reimagine a memory. Put yourself back in time with your loved one and imagine experiencing everything in that moment.

Thank your loved one for being part of your life. Express gratitude for the wonderful memories they provided while they were with you.

Slowly bring your awareness back to the room. Feel the energy of yourself from the top of your head to your toes as you take slow and natural deep breaths.

Try this meditation any time you feel the need to do so.

There are apps you can download for your smartphone or tablet to help guide you through different meditations; just search for “meditation” in the App Store. One of my favorites is the Calm app. Another great one for background music is the Relax app. You can also search YouTube for “meditations for grief” and try the guided meditations available there for free.

There is no one way to grieve; everyone grieves differently. There’s also no time table or deadline. The journey of grief is a very personal one, and the only way to get through it is to deal with the emotions you’re experiencing as they come.

Grief and loss are hard and sometimes getting counseling can be helpful. If you or a loved one could use professional support after a loss, feel free to reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. Appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

The post Coping With Grief Through Meditation appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Many times, it’s easier to offer a virtual hug or send a text instead of picking up the phone or talking face-to-face. Of course, the most difficult things for us to do are what can be the most helpful to a person in mourning.

Listen

When someone is grieving, they tend to hear clichés such as: “They’re in a better place”, “at least they’re not suffering” and “it was his time”. Instead of a cliché, offer an ear. Ask them about their loved one by name (“Tell me about Jim”) and encourage them to talk about their memories.

Share Memories

If you knew the deceased, you can offer a great deal of condolence by sharing positive memories that perhaps your loved one was unaware of.

Give a Gift or Memento

Simple gestures such as a card, a plant or other small gift can bring comfort to your friend or relative in their time of grief. It also can be easier to approach them if you have a small card or gift in tow. If your loved one is a person of faith, then be sure to get an appropriately themed card or book to encourage them to lean on their faith. Be mindful not to use scriptures as a cliché. While “all things work together for good” may be biblical truth, it also may not be helpful if it’s used to minimize the pain of loss.

Offer Help and Hope

Instead of saying “let me know how I can help”, offer specific help such as bringing a meal on a particular day, running an errand for them or helping with child care or housework. You can also ask, “What can I do to help?” If you are offering help, be sure you mean it. Don’t offer to help in an area unless you really want to do so.

Offer hope by believing in their ability to move forward. You can also offer to take your loved one to a grief support group at their church or a local Meetup group. It can help the bereaved to talk or listen to others going through the same thing.

Check in with them later

With our own busy lives, it can be difficult to remember to follow up, so set a reminder on your phone or calendar to check up on your friend down the road. Give them a call or drop by to visit them and see how they’re doing. Often there is an outpouring of support immediately following a death; however, the grieving will go on for many weeks, months, or even years. Checking in weeks and months later, especially near anniversaries or other important dates, can be very comforting and supportive.

With a little love and support, you can help your loved one on their journey through the grieving process.

Grief and loss are hard and sometimes getting counseling can be helpful. If you or a loved one could use professional support after a loss, feel free to reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. Appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

The post How to Help Someone Who is Grieving appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.