Grooming in Adulthood

When we think about grooming, we often picture child victims and adult perpetrators. But grooming isn’t limited to children; it’s also a key factor in the abuse many adults experience.

It can sometimes be difficult to separate genuine kindness from coercive tactics, just like it is with childhood grooming. That’s why this post will explore how grooming can show up in romantic relationships, friendships, and the workplace.

What is Grooming?

Grooming behaviors often mimic the natural kindness found in healthy friendships and relationships, but with a sinister twist. The kindness is a false kindness with strings attached. Perpetrators use false kindness to move closer to their victims, often placing themselves in roles that feel essential in the victim’s life. That closeness is then what grants them ongoing access.

The more trusted or central the perpetrator becomes, the harder it can be for a victim to disclose what’s happening – whether to friends, family, or authorities. In fact, only 4–8% of adults who experience sexual grooming ever report it due to shame, guilt, and fear. Survivors may feel embarrassed that they “fell for it,” or fear that speaking up will harm their reputation, community, or relationships. We know from understanding coercive control dynamics that perpetrators often look good from the outside making it tough for the community to see what is truly happening.

Consent

Before looking at how grooming plays out in different relationships, we need to clarify what consent is and what it isn’t.

Consent is an agreement between adults where everyone involved is free to say “no” or withdraw consent at any time. Consent can be verbal or nonverbal, but it cannot be present when someone is:

• under the influence of substances,
• pressured by power dynamics, or
• coerced or intimidated.

A lack of the word “no” does not equal consent. Many survivors are unable to say “no” in the moment. Instead, they may try safer statements like “I need to go home” or “I have to leave.” Others may freeze or fawn, unable to speak at all.

As Tabitha Westbrook, LMFT, LCMHC, LPC, said on her Hey Tabi! podcast:

“If it is not a yes—a full, enthusiastic yes—then it was a NO. There is no in between.”

A Model of Grooming in Adulthood

While grooming can look different in every situation, researcher Grant Sinnamon identified a seven-stage model often used by perpetrators [1]:

1. Vulnerability

They identify victims who appear emotionally, socially, or otherwise vulnerable. Many position themselves as trustworthy or respectable, which can be especially effective if the groomer is in a helping profession (e.g., pastor, therapist).

2. Information Gathering

They study the victim’s needs and weaknesses, building trust by seeming helpful. And some things offered may be legitimately helpfu, but they come with strings attached.

3. Isolation

They gradually distance the victim from their support system, creating false intimacy and dependency

4. Exploiting Needs

They meet key emotional, financial, physical, or spiritual needs, deepening reliance. If the perpetrator can get past this stage, they have successfully manipulated their victim.

5. Emotional Dependency

They desensitize the victim to boundary violations and chip away at confidence. It’s often slow and subtle. Pushing here and there to see what will be tolerated. As more is tolerated, more boundaries are pushed.

6. Sexual Contact (in sexual grooming)

In romantic or routine contexts, they coerce sexual activity while framing it as consensual. They also minimize boundary-violating contact as “accidental.” For example, a boss might brush the bottom of an employee and brush it off as “accidental.”

7. Control

They maintain power through secrecy, shame, threats, and blackmail, convincing victims that disclosure would ruin them. They also may use overt threats of physical harm to maintain control. Often, they will use emotional manipulation to ensure the victim believes it’s his/her fault.

Romantic Grooming

Romantic grooming often combines emotional and sexual exploitation, leaving survivors with long-lasting social, emotional, and physical impacts.

Adult sexual grooming refers to situations where an adult is manipulated into sexual contact through emotional or psychological tactics [1]. These tactics can include pressure, guilt, badgering, blackmail, and the use of drugs or alcohol.

According to the CDC (2024), more than 1 in 2 women and 1 in 3 men experience sexual violence, including unwanted physical contact, in their lifetime. If you’re stunned by that statistic, you should be. It truly is that prevalent.

Love Bombing

Love bombing is one of the most common, and dangerous, romantic grooming tactics. It involves overwhelming a person with attention, gifts, and grand gestures [2]. For someone who feels unseen or lonely, this intensity can be intoxicating.

Love bombing triggers dopamine, the same brain chemical involved in sex, sugar, and addictive drugs [6]. Victims often become hooked on the “high,” chasing it even as the abuser begins withdrawing affection or layering in abuse [2]. And, worse yet, the perpetrator is using what we all legitimately need – care – to lure in their victims. Of course we would get a “high” from being loved! We are wired that way!

In healthy relationships, connection grows gradually through mutual trust. With love bombing, things feel fast, intense, and “too good to be true.” [6].

Common signs of love bombing include:

• Soulmate language: “You’re the one.” “We’re destined to be together.” “God told me you were my future spouse.”
• Future talk as fact: “When we get married…” “When we go to Europe…”
• Exaggerated compliments: Placing the victim on a pedestal only they control.
• Over-the-top gifts: From expensive jewelry to smaller gestures that create a sense of obligation. This often happens far too early in the relationship. We have worked with clients who were whisked away to fancy destinations within a week of meeting a person.
• Communication overload: Constant calls, texts, and demands for attention. The perpetrator wants to be the victim’s entire world.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting, a term now widely used, means making someone doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity. In grooming, perpetrators may act hostile when confronted, leaving victims feeling responsible for the relationship’s problems [2]. Gaslighting is different than disagreement. In disagreement people can hold two different perspectives and neither person is made to feel as if they are crazy or un-human or stupid for holding an opposing viewpoint.

Grooming the Support System

This is one the most important facts about grooming in adulthood. Perpetrators don’t just groom the victim – they often groom the victim’s entire community. By appearing generous, charming, or trustworthy, they make disclosure harder because people see the perpetrator as wonderful or a pillar of the community. Survivors may fear no one will believe them or that others will side with the perpetrator.

Grooming Romanticized in Culture

Culture plays a powerful role in how grooming behaviors are normalized and even celebrated.

The term rape culture describes an environment where sexually aggressive or predatory behavior is minimized, excused, or framed as acceptable. This culture makes space for grooming to flourish by:

• Victim-blaming – Suggesting survivors are responsible for the abuse because of their clothing, intoxication, or behavior.
• Disregard for boundaries – Framing harassment or coercion as romantic persistence: “He just couldn’t give up on her.”
• Trivializing sexual assault – Dismissing violence with phrases like “boys will be boys” or treating survivors’ reports as “he said, she said.”
  

These messages are reinforced in popular culture. In books, movies, and TV, storylines often portray coercive behaviors as romantic:

• A persistent admirer ignores “no” until the reluctant love interest “finally gives in.”
• Controlling or possessive partners are framed as protective.
• Intense, boundary-crossing behavior is celebrated as proof of passion.
  

In one study of 50 mainstream movies, 77% of sexual interactions relied on nonverbal cues rather than explicit consent [1]. This blurs the cultural understanding of consent and leaves room for coercion to be misread as intimacy.

When media glamorizes coercion, younger audiences especially may grow up believing that healthy, respectful relationships are boring, while unsafe or boundary-violating ones are “romantic.” This cultural backdrop makes grooming harder to spot and harder to name because it has already been normalized for us. Pornography adds to this paradigm significantly because it often depicts both violence and lack of consent as being “normal” parts of physical intimacy. There is ample data to demonstrate that regular pornography use rewires the brain in harmful ways.

Friendship Grooming in Adulthood

Friendships are powerful, but they’re often less discussed compared to discussion around romantic relationships. Cultural messages like “ride-or-die” loyalty or “found family” can make it hard to notice when dependency tips into something unhealthy. To be clear, loyal friends and chosen family can be incredibly healthy and life giving. We want to help you know the difference between healthy connection and grooming in adulthood.

Just like in romantic relationships, grooming in friendships can start with love bombing – intense loyalty, flattery, or secret-sharing that creates a false sense of closeness. While it may feel encouraging at first, it can quickly move into dependency and control.

How it Can Look

• Isolation – The friend discourages other relationships, takes up most of your time, or subtly discredits others with comments like, “I just don’t think they get you like I do.” Gossip is common: they may badmouth people in your life to you, leaving you wondering if they gossip about you as well. This creates an “us vs. them” bond.
• Gaslighting & Coercion – Boundaries are slowly eroded – financially (“I thought you’d cover this for me”), emotionally (“I need you to pick up, even at 2 AM”), or socially (selective inclusion/exclusion to make you feel responsible or unsafe). If you confront them, you may be told you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy.”
  
• Manipulative minimization – When confronted, they may flip the script with self-deprecating lines like, “I’m the worst friend,” or “I never do anything right.” This tactic pulls the focus away from your concern and forces you into caretaking them instead.
• Financial pressure – Expecting large gifts, pressuring you to pay, or guilting you into covering expenses.
• Boundary violations – Disrespecting your time, expecting constant availability, or tracking your location under the guise of concern.
• Threats & blackmail – Using the possibility of ending the friendship or exposing secrets to maintain control.

Why It Matters

Healthy friendships are built on trust, respect, and freedom. Destructive ones thrive on secrecy, dependency, and guilt. Over time, coercive friendships erode self-esteem, foster confusion, and damage self-worth. Recognizing these signs allows you to name what’s happening and take back your boundaries.

Workplace Grooming in Adulthood

Workplace grooming can be uniquely destructive because of the built-in power imbalance and the reality of financial dependence. Many people minimize or ignore these patterns in order to maintain job security, making them especially difficult to confront. You’ll notice the tactics are the same as other areas of grooming in adulthood – but the context in which they are used is different.

Common Tactics

• Boundary Crossing – Favoritism or “special treatment” is framed as mentorship or career advancement, but in reality it blurs professional lines. Over time, this can normalize inappropriate demands on time, labor, or loyalty.
• Exploitation of Loyalty – Some workplaces highlight their “family culture” to pressure employees into rule-bending, unpaid overtime, or sacrificing personal boundaries. Refusing can lead to being labeled disloyal or uncommitted.
• Sexual Grooming – Perpetrators may start by testing boundaries with jokes or comments that seem questionable but “harmless.” This can escalate into private meetings, inappropriate touch, or coercion into a sexual relationship.

Why It’s Hard to Report

Silencing mechanisms in the workplace can be especially powerful due to:

• Fear of retaliation or career loss
• Damage to reputation in the industry
• Shame, self-blame, or minimization (“maybe I misunderstood”)

When victims weigh these risks, many choose silence, allowing the abuse to continue unchecked.

Telling the Difference

There is genuine kindness in this world and in relationships. This chart can help you understand which is which.

How to Spot Grooming in Adulthood

1. Trust your gut. If the relationship always feels intense, or you feel uneasy, listen to that inner warning. Writing down behaviors can help separate fact from emotion.
2. Stay connected. Grooming often relies on isolation. If a relationship is pulling you away from friends, family, or yourself, take note.
3. Notice their reaction when you push back. If setting boundaries leads to hostility, blame-shifting, or guilt-tripping, that’s a red flag. And as we often say here, “Those red flags don’t mean it’s a carnival!”

Remember: grooming thrives in confusion. The more you recognize the signs, the harder it is for someone to manipulate your boundaries or autonomy.

Final Note about Grooming in Adulthood

At The Journey and The Process, we specialize in supporting survivors of complex trauma, including those who have experienced grooming in adulthood and abuse of all kinds. Our whole-person, evidence-based therapy helps survivors heal and feel safe in their bodies, relationships, and faith again.

We are experts in EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems. We also offer trauma-informed biblical counseling that goes beyond “take two verses and call me in the morning.”

You are not alone. We are here for you. Don’t let one more day pass by without getting the help you need. Reach out for a free, 15-minute consultation and let us help you walk the healing path.

References

[1] Atletky, C., Sharma, B., Carbajal, J., & Eubank, T. (2025). Adult sexual grooming: A systemic review. Journal of Social Work in the Global Community, 9(1-17). https://doi.10.5590/jswgc.2025.09.1058

[2] DVSN (2024). The manipulative “romance” of grooming & love bombing. Domestic Violence Services Network, Inc. https://www.dvsn.org/february-2024-the-manipulative-romance-of-grooming-love-bombing/

[3] Morrison, W. (2019). Abusive friendships are real. Here’s how to recognize you’re in one. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-recognize-abusive-friendships#1

[4] Payne, S. (2022). 16 signs you’re in an abusive friendship & how to respond. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/abusive-friendship/

[5] Wolfe & Mote Law Group, LLC. (2022). Is it sexual assault if they didn’t say “No?” Wolfe Law Group. https://www.wvwlegal.com/blog/is-it-sexual-assault-if-they-didnt-say-no/

[6] Woodward, C. (2022). Love bombing–The ultimate grooming technique. National Center for Domestic Violence. https://www.ncdv.org.uk/love-bombing-the-ultimate-grooming-technique/

The post Grooming in Adulthood: How It Shows Up in Love, Friendship, and Work appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

First, like we do with all new clients we do a free, 15-minute phone consultation to make sure we’re the best fit (which you can schedule here). If we aren’t, we are going to do our best to help you find the therapist that’s best for you. Our main priority is you getting the help you need, even if that means it isn’t us!

If we’re a good fit for you then we help you have all the information you’ll need for your first session. We’ll let you know what platform we’re using (including backups in the event of a technological hiccup), how to access it, and some tips and tricks to help you make it awesome.

Then, we connect via video. This might be very familiar to you if you’ve done WebEx or Zoom meetings at work. Our system is super similar to that and is HIPAA compliant so we know your information is safe and protected! At the time of your session we log on and you log on and we get to see each other’s faces, just like when you walk into our physical office.

Finally, we get down to business. We dive in and we work on your goals, work to get you where you want to go, and help you be the best you – even when the whole world feels as if it’s turned upside down.

You might be thinking, “Wow. That doesn’t sound super different.” And you’d be right. It’s not. The main difference in how we connect via teletherapy is just the method we use. You’re still greeted with a smile, still get the same amazing therapy (even things like EMDR can be done via telehealth), your same wonderful therapist, and  the same support, encouragement, and tools you’d get in our physical office.

We know it can seem like an unknown when you think about starting teletherapy with one of our Wake Forest counselors so we wanted to give you a better understanding. If you have more questions we didn’t answer here, we’d love to connect with you. Feel free to reach out to us at 919-891-0525 and we’re happy to answer any questions you have! If you’re ready to schedule your free, 15-minute phone consultation click here.

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Keep Your Cool

It may be difficult to keep your cool when your teen is yelling at you, but as the adult, it’s important that you maintain control. Refrain from yelling, cursing, or name-calling your teen. Verbal abuse will only escalate the argument and will have a long-term impact on your child and your relationship. If your child is being verbally abusive, apply consequences to their behavior and speak in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

Accountability, Not Control

Rather than trying to control your teen and their behavior, make them accountable. Set clear boundaries, and establish rules and consequences.

Listen

It can be difficult to listen when your child is yelling or angry. Your initial reaction may be to defend yourself or criticize. Rather than offering advice or judgment, actively listen to your teen. Be silent as they express themselves, and ask questions to better understand how they’re feeling. You can also calmly express that it’s difficult to listen to them when they’re angry and yelling. By genuinely trying to listen and understand them, you can teach them how to control their emotions and express themselves calmly.

Give Them Space

When your teen is angry and wants to storm off, let them go instead of following them and trying to continue or resolve the argument. It’s healthy for both of you to give each other space and time to cool off so you can revisit the discussion when you’re both feeling calmer.

Pick Your Battles

Your teen is going through a difficult phase, and needs empathy. Remember back to the times when you were a teen to help you empathize. There will be times when your teen is making a bigger deal of something than it needs to be, and as the adult it’s your job to know when to stand your ground, and when to let things go. Talk with your spouse to set boundaries and determine priorities of issues that can be compromised, and issues that are non-negotiable.

If you have a teen that may be struggling with anger, feel free to reach out to our team at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute consultation. We would be happy to explore how we may be able to help you. If we are a good fit, appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online from anywhere in North Carolina.

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1. Focus on the Children

By maintaining the focus on what’s best for your children, you can work toward providing as peaceful a home as possible for them. Providing them loving stability and structure will help ease them through this time of transition. That means putting your own hurts from the divorce aside when talking to or parenting your kids. Even if that means taking loads of deep breaths if you hear something about which you may not agree.

2. Communication is Essential

As you go through your divorce, your communication with your ex will inevitably suffer. It may be difficult to communicate with him/her; you may not want to talk to, or hear from, your ex. However, it’s important that communication regarding the children is maintained, and that your children are not used as messengers (i.e., “Tell your father you have a recital on Friday”). Communicate directly with your spouse, finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary (text, email, letters, etc.). You can communicate in many ways, such as text or email, if talking in person or on the phone is too challenging.

3. Just the Facts

If you’re harboring resentment or have unfinished emotional business with your ex, the desire to express your emotional needs can feel overwhelming. Make a commitment to yourself that for the sake of your children’s well being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues. If you are struggling a lot, consider seeing a therapist and working through those feelings.

4. Embrace Change

As you go through your divorce, there will be a great deal of change for yourself, your ex and your children. By expecting and embracing change, you’ll reduce the stress you feel when the unexpected presents itself. Do not, under any circumstances, speak negatively about your ex to your children. Remember the other person is their parent and they don’t need to feel like they have to choose a loyalty.

5. Prioritize Your Health

Maintaining your health is important not only for you, but for your children as well. As they learn to cope with the changes in their family, having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust. Your children depend on you, and you owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent. Additionally, taking time to exercise and eat healthy will help you take the focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, and making positive changes in your life.

As we go through a divorce, we mourn the relationship lost, and the dreams we had of the future. Although your ex is no longer your partner, your ex is still your child’s parent, and you will always be co-parents of the children you have together. Learning to get along and communicate will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with their parents’ divorce.

If you’re going through a divorce and struggling to co-parent effectively, call me today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

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So what is enabling? It’s, quite simply, allowing a child to stay or take advantage of a situation. Parents are literally enabling – making it possible for – the behavior to continue.

Here are three (3) warning signs you may have children who are too dependent on you, and three (3) ways you can stop enabling them.

Red Flags

1. You are Responsible for Them

If you find yourself shouldering your adult child’s responsibilities, and he or she is perfectly happy to let you do it, you may have a problem. If your child is non-productive while you take on a second job to pay off his or her debt or pay his car insurance, it may be time to have a talk.

2. Your Child is Constantly Borrowing Money from You

It’s perfectly fine to financially help out your adult child every once in a while. But if your son or daughter is constantly borrowing money from you because they can’t seem to hold down a job, and if they constantly promise to pay it back but never do, this is a red flag.

3. You are Often Disrespected

Young people who are struggling to find their place in the world and start their own life are often moody.. But there is a fine line between a bad mood and blatant disrespect in your direction.

Does your son or daughter seem respectful and even loving when they want or need help from you, and then become disrespectful or passive-aggressive should you say “no” to their requests? Though you may want to give them the benefit of the doubt and pass off this behavior to those bad moods, this is a warning sign that your child is taking advantage of you and you may be enabling him/her.

Encourage Independence

It’s important that you encourage your child to be independent. It’s equally important that you remain upbeat and avoid being adversarial when talking with them. Calmness, yet firmness, will go a long way in setting healthy boundaries in the relationship.

1. Agree on a time limit

Sit down with your child and discuss an exit plan. Yes, they may stay but only for an agreed upon amount of time. Stick to this plan – if the child realizes you don’t intend to enforce it he/she will not make the necessary steps to exit.

2. Have them contribute

Having no financial responsibilities while living with you will not help your adult child prepare for the real world. Ask your son or daughter to contribute to the monthly expenses. If they are currently unemployed, ask them to do chores like gardening, grocery shopping, or cleaning. People don’t take things as seriously if they don’t have “skin in the game,” so to speak. This helps them take ownership of their lives.

3. Don’t indiscriminately give money

Borrowing money to get on their feet and make a car payment is one thing. But you cannot continue to give your adult child money forever. You may lend money with the understanding it should be paid back. Again, you’ll have to enforce this. If you don’t, there is no incentive for change.

Sometimes, having a heartfelt discussion with your son or daughter can be difficult. At times like these, it’s often helpful to have a family therapist, a neutral third party, guide the discussion and make sure everyone is heard.

If you or a loved one is interested in getting some launching help, please contact me today for your free, 15-minute consultation. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

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