Coercive control is a much better name for domestic abuse, domestic violence, or interpersonal violence because many people still picture abuse as only physical or sexual violence. The reality is that coercive control is a sustained pattern of power and control that slowly erodes another person’s autonomy, agency, and sense of self. It can look “subtle” or even invisible on the outside while feeling suffocating inside the relationship. The core issue is not conflict or a “bad marriage,” but a repeated system where one person’s preferences, needs, and voice get treated as irrelevant. Understanding coercive control helps survivors name what is happening, trust their perceptions again, and begin rebuilding safety, dignity, and emotional clarity.

A key distinction is the difference between a one-off hurtful moment and a repeating pattern. Everyone can speak sharply or act selfishly at times, then feel guilt, repair the harm, and take responsibility. To put it mildly, we can all be jerks now and again. Coercive control, by contrast, repeats and escalates. It often includes grooming behaviors that present as charm, devotion, or protectiveness while narrowing the victim’s choices over time. Many survivors describe a “captivity funnel” effect: the relationship starts wide with freedom and slowly tightens through pressure, dependency, and fear. Common tactics include gaslighting, rewriting reality, minimizing, and convincing the victim that their memory is unreliable, which can create chronic anxiety and constant self doubt.

Coercive control also shows up through spiritual abuse in Christian contexts, when someone weaponizes faith, Scripture, or religious authority to demand compliance. It can sound like “God wants you to submit” or “don’t question the Lord’s anointed,” especially when the controlling person is a pastor, leader, or highly respected figure. This fosters dependency and isolation by implying that safety and belonging require silence. Other coercive control behaviors include monitoring phones, location, and finances; restricting access to food, clothing, healthcare, or work; cutting off friends and support systems; and using emotional punishment like the silent treatment or withdrawal of affection to force behavior. Over time, the victim’s world becomes smaller and the cost of disagreement feels dangerously high.

Consent is another critical area. Sexual coercion can occur without overt force, including persistent badgering, guilt, threats of withdrawal, or spiritualized pressure about “wifely duties.” Assent is not consent; true consent is freely given and enthusiastic without manipulation. When a person cannot control their yes because they are worn down or afraid of consequences, that is not a genuine agreement. Naming these dynamics matters because coercive control thrives on confusion. Survivors often ask, “How did I get here?” The answer is usually incremental escalation paired with tactics that keep the victim off balance.

Coercive control is not only psychologically damaging; it is physically harmful. Chronic stress changes the body through neurochemicals and inflammation, increasing risk for health problems over time. That is why we are adamant that all abuse is physical abuse, even when no one is hit. If you suspect coercive control, don’t panic. Get curious, gather data, and think about safety, because asking questions and setting boundaries can increase risk. Seek support from trained advocates and therapists who understand domestic abuse dynamics. If you fear you may be the controlling person, change is possible but requires ownership, accountability, and individual work rather than couples counseling. The path forward involves radical honesty, repentance, and sustained effort to become a safe person who no longer needs control to feel secure.

Don’t go this alone. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation. We are here to help heal – whether you are the controlled or the controller. One of our amazing therapists or coaches is happy to walk with you in healing.

The post Coercive Control Deep Dive appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Romance Fiction – Part 1

Falling in love through romance fiction is a common pastime for many creatives and story-lovers alike. We read of star-crossed lovers defying the odds, of enemies-to-lovers who choose each other despite their flaws, and friends who find each other to be so much more. Fictional stories offer us a reprieve from the mundane or difficult in our daily lives.

While it can be a wonderful thing to escape into a story, it is important to recognize some of the problematic and destructive behaviors that are often romanticized in these narratives. In this two-part series, we’ll explore common romance tropes that normalize unhealthy relationship dynamics, examine why they resonate with us, and discuss what healthy love actually looks like. Today we’re going to start with the first six romance fiction red flags.

1. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Love Cures All

In stories, it is often romanticized that love from a romantic partner can “heal” someone’s deepest wounds and traumas. When the love interests find each other, it is as if the bounds of their previous pain no longer bind them. All that matters is that they found love, and from then on, they are a healed version of themselves.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is a comforting belief to think love can erase pain. In many ways, it feels as though connection and unconditional acceptance is what can heal what feels broken within us. If someone else views us as lovable and savable, then perhaps we are. For those who have experienced trauma, this idea can validate the longing to be fully seen and accepted, without having to do the hard work of healing.

In Reality

In reality, this view minimizes the need for therapy, growth, and self-work. Love is a wonderful support for healing, but it cannot do the healing for us. Healthy relationships can create a safe space where healing becomes possible, and experiencing consistent care can teach us what love should feel like. However, expecting a partner to cure trauma or other wounds can lead to disappointment or destructive patterns in the relationship, like co-dependency. The relationship provides the support; the individual must do the work.

2. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Ignoring Boundaries as Persistence

In these stories, there is a romanticized gesture of the love interest continuing to show up and pursue the main character, even if she says, “No.” It is framed as devotion and persistence. Even if she doesn’t fall for him first, he just “knew they were meant to be” and refuses to “give up on her.” He may show up at her place of work, leave her gifts at her door, or continue to call her after she asks for space.

As readers, we may fall for this because persistence and confidence can be flattering. To know someone is so entirely confident in their love for you that there are no boundaries to what they will do to be with you can feel special. Often, we are taught that being pursued equates to being valued. For those whose stories have been framed by conditional or inconsistent love, the idea of someone refusing to give up on them can feel like proof of their worth.

In Reality

In reality, the disregard of boundaries is not romance—it’s disrespect. In a healthy pursuit, autonomy and choice are honored. If someone keeps pushing after a “No,” it is not passion, it’s entitlement. This normalizes stalking, coercion, and emotionally manipulative behaviors. True devotion respects your right to say no and trusts that if it’s meant to be, it will happen with mutual consent.

3. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Possessive Behaviors

In romance fiction, the love interest may display possessive behaviors through constantly monitoring the main character’s location, who they are with, and what they are doing. They may become angry, violent, or incensed at the idea of anyone else’s attention being on the main character. They may use the phrase, “You’re mine,” as a way to claim their deep devotion and love.

As readers, we may fall for this because possession can be mistaken for protection. It can feel comforting for someone to take charge. For people whose stories have caregivers who did not protect them, or partners who deliberately hurt them, having a partner who is undeniably devoted can feel safe. Being claimed can feel an awful lot like reassurance.

In Reality

In reality, possessive behaviors are rooted in insecurity, jealousy, and ownership—not connection, love, and trust. These possessive behaviors are not protective, but rather coercive. True love does not require ownership, surveillance, or control. True love trusts and allows freedom.

4. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Jealousy as Proof of Love

In romantic fiction, jealous outbursts are often portrayed as proof of passion. The jealous partner may become violent when faced with a competitor. They may storm away from the main character, later declaring their undying love. This reaction can stem from benign encounters, such as the main character talking to another man or smiling at someone else.

As readers, we may fall for this since jealousy can be confused with intensity and passion. Jealousy can look a lot like love rather than insecurity. When someone becomes incensed at the mere thought of losing you, it’s understandable to feel a certain level of safety. For those who have been cheated on or overlooked in past relationships, this unhinged devotion can feel secure.

In Reality

In reality, jealousy is a normal and very human feeling, but it is our responsibility to regulate it and never weaponize it. In healthy relationships, jealousy is communicated and navigated, not glamorized and weaponized. When jealousy manifests as control or rage, it moves from being a vulnerable emotion to being emotionally manipulative and potentially dangerous.

5. Romance Fiction Red Flag: Emotional Turmoil as Chemistry

In these stories, couples often experience constant arguing, break-ups, and emotional whiplash. It is rare to find a couple that is steady and consistent; truly, it may not make for a good story if they were completely healthy. The couples fight hard, love hard, and the chaos is marketed as proof of their connection and passion.

A common trope that highlights emotional turmoil as chemistry is the miscommunication trope. In fiction, the plot may rely on constant misunderstandings, withheld information, or one partner manipulating the other’s perception of reality. One partner might lie about their identity, hide crucial information, or deliberately mislead the other “for their own good.” These interactions are often brushed off as tension or drama, with the intended purpose of driving the plot forward. When taken to an extreme, this becomes gaslighting—making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

As readers, we may fall for this because adrenaline can feel like chemistry. For those who grew up associating love with inconsistency or anxiety, calm and steady relationships can feel boring. Chaos, on the other hand, feels familiar and it feels exciting. The makeup after the fight can feel intensely intimate, creating an addictive cycle.

In Reality

In reality, emotional chaos is not chemistry and love does not have to be hard to be worth it. While all couples have disagreements, constant turmoil is exhausting and damaging. Gaslighting is psychological abuse—it erodes self-trust, leaving you dependent on the abuser for truth. True intimacy feels safe, steady, and often uneventful. Peace can be love’s most powerful evidence.

6. Romance Fiction Red Flag: “Fixing” the Brooding/Dangerous Partner

In this type of fiction, the emotionally unavailable, angry, and self-destructive man may “soften” only for her. She—and their love—become the only reason for his change. He may approach others with an, “I hate everyone except you,” attitude. This dynamic is often found in the grumpy-sunshine trope in which he is the grumpy, sulky character and she is a human ray of sunshine. He may have extreme anger or hostility that is only calmed by her voice, presence, or touch.

As readers, we may fall for this because it is the fantasy of redemption. It mirrors our own wish to be the exception. It is a common misconception that women believe, “I can save him,” and these stories are proof of the possibility. It is tempting and romantic to think that our love could rewrite someone’s story, someone’s pain. For caretakers and survivors, this can mirror old patterns of earning love through healing others.

In Reality

In reality, this encourages caretaking behavior and self-abandonment. It is not possible to heal someone who does not want to heal; it is up to them to do the hard work and face their pain. Love can inspire and foster change and growth, but it cannot create it. Real transformation requires accountability and choice, not saviors. You cannot love someone into wellness, and trying to do so will deplete you.

Where Do You See These Red Flags?

These are some of the romance fiction red flags. As you read these did any stand out as being part of your favorite novel? We aren’t trying to shame you, but we do want you to be aware! Our next post will talk more about how to read responsibly, but in the interim if you’re recognizing some of these patterns in your real relationships we’re here to help. As story-lovers and trauma-healers, we are honored to walk alongside you in your exploration and curiosity. Reach out today for your free, 15-minute consultation to see how we can help you.

The Journey and The Process – Counseling and Coaching that helps you thrive!

The post Romance Fiction Red Flags: Unpacking Harmful Tropes in Fictional Love Stories (Part 1) appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

First, like we do with all new clients we do a free, 15-minute phone consultation to make sure we’re the best fit (which you can schedule here). If we aren’t, we are going to do our best to help you find the therapist that’s best for you. Our main priority is you getting the help you need, even if that means it isn’t us!

If we’re a good fit for you then we help you have all the information you’ll need for your first session. We’ll let you know what platform we’re using (including backups in the event of a technological hiccup), how to access it, and some tips and tricks to help you make it awesome.

Then, we connect via video. This might be very familiar to you if you’ve done WebEx or Zoom meetings at work. Our system is super similar to that and is HIPAA compliant so we know your information is safe and protected! At the time of your session we log on and you log on and we get to see each other’s faces, just like when you walk into our physical office.

Finally, we get down to business. We dive in and we work on your goals, work to get you where you want to go, and help you be the best you – even when the whole world feels as if it’s turned upside down.

You might be thinking, “Wow. That doesn’t sound super different.” And you’d be right. It’s not. The main difference in how we connect via teletherapy is just the method we use. You’re still greeted with a smile, still get the same amazing therapy (even things like EMDR can be done via telehealth), your same wonderful therapist, and  the same support, encouragement, and tools you’d get in our physical office.

We know it can seem like an unknown when you think about starting teletherapy with one of our Wake Forest counselors so we wanted to give you a better understanding. If you have more questions we didn’t answer here, we’d love to connect with you. Feel free to reach out to us at 919-891-0525 and we’re happy to answer any questions you have! If you’re ready to schedule your free, 15-minute phone consultation click here.

The post What Teletherapy Is Like with Our Wake Forest Counselors appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

I know that things may feel dark right now, but I’ve got two great pieces of news for you. One, you’re not alone – your struggle and experience is valid and difficult, but you can take strength knowing that many other men and women like you find a way to fight through similar tough experiences all the time. And you can too.

The second piece of good news is that you have the power to make yourself feel better. Now, I’m not trying to say you can snap your fingers or simply make a mental decision, and suddenly you’ll feel better. However, you are strong and capable, and there are many things you can do to help yourself climb out of this hole and back towards your personal “normal.”

Let’s get you started with a handful of solid first steps you can take.

1. Practice self-care.Instead of wallowing in your misery, distract yourself by indulging in something you truly enjoy after all self-love is the most important love! Do something you’ve always wanted to do, take yourself on dates or buy yourself a present. It will definitely help you feel better.

2. Use social media smartly.You might want to stay off social media during this period. Seeing pictures of happy couples on your Facebook or Instagram feed might unnecessarily trigger you. Remember that nobody’s life is as perfect as it appears to be on social media.

3. Rely on your support system. Nobody should have to go through a breakup alone. Calling your BFF and crying it out on the phone can be extremely cathartic, plus you get to hear someone you love remind you of how awesome you are. Allow your friends and family to be there for you.

4. Find a good therapist. Talk therapy can help you with some much-needed evaluation. It can help you see what went wrong in the relationship, what you really need in a relationship, and who you really are.

5. Seek your passion.Find something that you’re really happy doing, and spend a lot of time doing it. That way, you have something positive to channel your emotions to, and you’d be too busy having fun to think about your ex.

6. Practice gratitude. Think about all the other people in your life who love you completely, and be thankful for them.

7. Focus on becoming a better person for YOU. Now is a great time to do those things you’ve always wanted to do. Start exercising, eat healthily, learn a new skill, and travel somewhere new. Grow in as many ways as possible and watch yourself flourish.

Remember, grieving the loss of a relationship is completely normal. Give yourself the time and space you need to get through the breakup. If you’re feeling stuck in trying to move forward and would like to explore how counseling might be helpful, feel free to reach out to me at 919-891-0525 today for a free, 15-minute phone consultation. I would be happy to explore how I may be able to help you. If we are a good fit, appointments may be scheduled for my Wake Forest counseling office or online.

The post 7 Tips for Getting Through a Breakup appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.

Expectations play a huge role in relationship satisfaction. Couples who are frustrated say things like “You weren’t very supportive of me when I changed careers” or “You didn’t plan any special activity for our anniversary.” These sentiments stem from an expectation of response that was not met. Allowing anger and frustration to remain unresolved can lead to resentment and create an unhappy relationship.

Here are some practical tips to help you reduce frustration towards your partner.

1.     Communicate – You need to inform your partner of your expectations ahead of time because they can’t read your mind. If you want them to text you more often, or take you on more dates, tell them why it is important to you.

2.     Manage your expectations – Beyond the basic things that are necessary for a happy relationship, decide what’s really important to you and let go of some frivolous things. Remember that your happiness is directly related to your level of expectations. Examine your expectations to determine whether or not they are realistic. If your partner is a first responder (police officer, firefighter, paramedic, etc.) expecting him/her to call or text if he/she is going to be late may not be possible. This is something you can talk to your partner about so you can figure out together what might work best.

3.     Appreciate – Be grateful for everything that your partner does for you. Appreciate your similarities and differences, and your gratitude will help you unlock a whole new level of love, passion and satisfaction in your relationship. This means even appreciating the things your partner is “supposed” to do like take out the trash or fold the laundry. We all like to know what we do to keep a household running matters, even if it’s mundane tasks.

4.     Don’t keep score – Keeping a mental scorecard of what your partner does or doesn’t do based on your expectations will only cause hurt and frustration. Kill your mental scorecard and remember that if they aren’t aware of your expectations, they can’t possibly live up to them. Frankly, relationships are not tit for tat. They are about mutual service to each other. Letting anger fester because you’ve given more during a given week isn’t helpful.

5.     Accept your partner – Acceptance is key. Love your partner for who they are, not who you imagine them to be. Accepting your partner’s differences and peculiarities, makes them feel safe and respected. Judgement causes them to feel blamed and become defensive.

6.     Understand your partner – Understanding your partner’s personality and motivations could help you be less frustrated when they don’t meet expectations. For example, if they hate sports they’re probably not going to take the initiative to buy you tickets to see your favorite team play unless you’ve told them how important it is to you. Aim to understand your partner’s way of seeing the world.

7.     Learn to calm yourself – Controlling your emotions and response when your expectations aren’t met can be the difference between a happy relationship and an unhappy one that’s bound to end. This means you need to take out time to settle and soothe yourself before talking to your partner about it.

Decide what expectations are important to you, and communicate them to your partner properly. If you are able to accept and appreciate your differences, then you can have a loving and fulfilling relationship.

If you’re struggling to resolve frustration and anger in your relationship I may be able to help. If you would like marriage counseling or relationship counseling, please contact me.

The post Feeling Angry and Frustrated With Your Partner? These Tips May Help appeared first on Tabitha Westbrook.