There is no doubt about it. Sex is an important topic, especially for intimate relationships! Typically one partner likes sex more frequently than the other. So the question is – what is the best foreplay to get both parties, regardless of sexual drive, in the mood for some lovin’?
Our bodies are designed to have pleasurable reactions to certain touch and stimulation. It feels good! Some couples, though, have trouble getting interested enough to get to that point. Physical touch is only part of the equation for a healthy sexual relationship. Foreplay actually starts well before the physical aspects.
I love John Gottman’s definition – “Foreplay is everything positive you do in a relationship.” No one wants to have sex with someone they don’t like. You may do it from time to time out of a sense of duty, but it won’t be the intimate coming together of souls sexual intercourse is designed to be. Will duty sex feel good? Probably. But physically feeling good isn’t enough to sustain a relationship for a lifetime. I think riding a roller coaster feels good, but I don’t want to be in relationship with it the rest of my life.
They key to the best foreplay ever is to be great friends first. Couples who are great friends are able to connect better with all levels of intimacy – both emotional and physical. Here are a couple tips to deepen (or even develop) your friendship, which is the best foreplay ever.
- Catch your partner doing good. This is something we do as parents with our kids all the time, but something we forget to do with our partners. When was the last time you really acknowledged the positive things your partner does? Even when things are not going well, there are still positives that happen in many relationships. Tell your partner you notice. If you’re convinced there is nothing good at all, take a step back. Is everything, literally everything bad? If not, then try to acknowledge the good things. Out loud. To your partner. Often we think them, but we don’t say them. They need to make it from our brains to our lips.
- Ask open-ended questions. When was the last time you asked your partner some open-ended questions? Often couples who have been together a long time fall into a rut of just doing the “business” of life. The conversation centers around the daily schedule, what the kids need, what time dinner is being served, etc. There is no real conversation about the day or each other’s hopes and dreams. Try scheduling a time to just talk to each other about each other. A good example might be, “If you could quit your job today and do anything, what would that be?” If you need help coming up with some open-ended questions, I encourage you to download the Gottman app (available on iOS and Android) Open Ended Questions.
These two, small things can start a revolution in your relationship. When you like each other more, that leads to trusting each other more, and that leads to way more interest in physical intimacy. Add these items to your foreplay toolbox and you might be surprised at what happens.
I know that sometimes problems run deeper than a couple pragmatic exercises. If you need help reconnecting and righting your relationship, I can help. Call 919.891.0525 or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org today to schedule a free phone consultation.